I Woke Up Cranky

Hello.

My best friend told me I’d better get back to the blogging or else. And I was afraid.

Actually, does anyone know why any government would need a thirty thousand pound bomb? Well, we have one and apparently we are going to use it to blow up caves in the eternal search for Osama Bin Laden.

Couple of things.

One. I’ve always felt that the strongest government was one that had a large military and no need to use it.  Our leaders seem to feel that just because we have a large standing army we should be engaged in war all over the globe. I am sick of this childish saber rattling. Especially at Iran. Why are we poking the fire ants with a stick? As I always say, the one who says fuck you first, loses.

Second. Is there anyone left in this country who thinks Osama is still alive? We can find Hussein in a hole in a remote village but we can’t find Bin Laden? Oh, stuff your charts and graphs up yer hole g-men.

The fact is the government needs a boogie man to scare the population into compliance. Be it Bin Laden or Iran or losing health care for poor children. They will use whatever makes the citizens of this country quake to get what they want. And do you really think they have the American people at the front of their minds while they are making these decisions? No, they don’t. They have their careers and their money and their power at the foremost. Finding Bin Laden would be a disaster. So would Iran suddenly saying “Ok you win. We will dismantle the reactors.” Because then everyone would realize that we are at war. A war that is being perpetuated because the money men like it that way.

War is good for the economy they say. If that’s true, then why is ours on the point of collapse?

Dogwoman

The Children’s Crusade

Hello.

I wasn’t going to post today. Nothing had really tripped my trigger and I was just going to let sleeping blogs lie.

Then the mail came.

Remember how I mentioned that my daughter’s Glamour keeps coming to the ‘House? We got another one today. It’s got Mariah Carey on the front wearing what can only be described as a liquid disco ball with hair by Farrah Faucet. I snorted and threw it upside down on the coffee table.

And saw the greatest advertising travesty I have ever seen. I am still speechless.

On the back cover is an advertisement for the world’s finest profiteering scheme. Yes, the Red Program . Only this time there is an 11 year old wearing one of those ridiculous sweatshop shirts. And so is her Curious George.

Ah! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!(repeat this for about five minutes to get the full effect)

If an adult wants to advertise for these money grabbing bastards that’s their business. But children? Babies?

No. No .No. No.No.

My eleven year old is only interested in dancing, band, and how to build new structures out of her bedroom furniture. And I have yet to meet a baby who is socially conscious. Mostly babies spend time trying to remove their socks. Now I am sure there are eleven year olds who care about the planet and others blah, blah, blah, so don’t send me e-mails.

At these ages clothing is still bought by the parents and if you are dressing your children in these kinds of clothing, you should have your head examined. It’s a Giant Lie. A Scam. A ‘business model’. It’s about the business of making money. Bono and Bobby can bang on from now until the end of time about how beneficial this program is, but it’s crap. And they know it. I know they know it because they never offer statistics, Why? Because they don’t have any, that’s why. It’s a giant money making machine for companies they are attached to in some way. Like Apple. Like The Gap. And dragging children into it is just shit.

Hey, while they’re at it maybe they could offer me a bigger penis or money if only I cash an international cashiers check for them.

What I really want to know is: what did Curious George ever do to the marketing analysts at The Gap that would make them want to hurt him in such a demeaning way?

To make a serious difference and not just show off, go to Kiva.org or Buy (less) Crap. You’ll find the links in my blogroll.

I need to go take a pill, I think my blood pressure just shot way, way, up.

Unbelievable.
Dogwoman

Le Marchand De La Mort

Hello.

It’s that time of year again. The leaves are peacefully jumping to their deaths and the thermometer is gently falling to just under eighties degrees here in the North. With the smell of apples rotting in the air it’s hard to believe but the time has come for the most ironic set of prizes ever invented.

The Nobel Prizes are up for announcement this week. Don’t get me wrong I love the Nobel Prizes. They are a testament to the incredible irony of the human spirit.

Arthur Nobel through hard work and a few mishaps, one which resulted in the death of his brother, invented dynamite. On the Nobel website they talk about how it greatly reduced the cost of mining and industrial manufacturing. Not to mention the population problem. Over the years governments and mad scientists have greatly improved upon Nobels’ original formula eventually culminating in Atomic bombs. No messy gel with that one.

Without Nobels’ invention, how would we ever be able to band together when 3500 South African gold miners get trapped? There would be no gold, people. And without gold, we’d have no gold standard. And without the gold standard, we’d have no money. And without money we’d have nothing to fight over. Or give to the prize winners.

But I over simplify. The point is Monsieur Nobel made a crap load of money inventing a product that has been seriously misused. Like the manufacturers of Oxycontin. And on his death bed he said to himself, “How can I rectify this situation? Ah, Oui, I shall set up a Foundation that gives money to random people a select group of individuals think are the best of the best in their field causing jealousy and backbiting among otherwise rational and intelligent human beings. And perhaps someday the money will go to an overfed, loudmouthed Irish dwarf. That will be good.” Then he died.

The Nobel Peace Prize is the pinnacle of Irony and Satire. A man who invented new and better ways to commit war left a foundation that gives money, one of the driving forces of war, to those who pursue the elusive ideal of Peace.

Brings a whole new meaning to Orwell’s statement “War is Peace”. According to the Nobel foundation that not just a slogan, it’s a reality.

I think they should just get a Sponge Bob inspired congratulatory handshake. But that’s just me.

The point of this rant is that there exists in the world too many Foundations, Governments and NGO’s handing out medals, awards and honors. So much so that the whole idea of honoring the best of our brethren has lost a little meaning. No, a lot of  meaning. No one even pays attention to prizes like the Nobels anymore. I blame the Oscars. And kidding aside, back in the day achieving the Nobel was huge. It came at the end of a lifetime of work and sacrifice. It was the biggest, stickiest, sweetest rose on the birthday cake of life.

Now, well let’s just say this:

How many people know, without leaving my post to look it up, who won last year’s Peace Prize? And no, it’ wasn’t Bono.

Dogwoman

What’s Wrong With This Statement ?

Hello.

Regarding the torture conflict, I read this in the news:

“Mr Bush defended his administration’s methods and said interrogations were carried out by “highly-trained professionals”.

And I thought, “Well, that’s good. We wouldn’t want it carried out by untrained professionals.”

It’s nice to know that while we sleep the Bush Administration is keeping the world safe through the exacerbated use of the water-board. On suspects, not convicted criminals. And that those doing the torture have been to school. I know when I’m stuck in a concrete room tied to a chair I like to know that the person with the shiny metal instruments is a professional. That this is not just a part time job on the weekends. I like my torture to have a certain panache, don’t you?

What, do they have their degree in illegal torture methods hanging on the wall?

I am sickened by the fact that I live in a country where this sort of statement could be made by anyone, much less our PRESIDENT. And don’t give me what I’ve come to regard as “The Freedom Speech”. It’s all red, shite and blue smoke being blown up our backsides. Torture was prohibited by the Geneva convention for a reason. About six million of them, actually. And for the U.S. government to blithely decide they don’t feel like complying and rewording everything to make it look tame is garbage.

Where is the International Criminal Court on this one?

Dogwoman

Just a Healthy Note

Hello.

Dear King Bush,

You are absolutely right, we don’t need health care for children in this country. They can just put some spit on it and run back out and play. Unless of course, they have some sort of life threatening disease or severe medical need. Then I guess they are just shit out of luck aren’t they? Too many unattractive attachments means poor children can learn to live with their ills.

Maybe we should veto your excellent health plan, you vermicious knidd.

with ire,

Dogwoman

Random Poll # 4

Hello.

I know we just had one, but hey, my blog, my rules.

At what level of both blindness and irony are we operating when our government pillories a company they hired to “protect” (read:shoot people who try to shoot them) dignitaries during a war that has no justification?

Just wondering.

Dogwoman

The Missing Piece

Hello.

As I drag my self to the computer I always wonder to myself, “What stupid thing did the GOP do while I was unconscious ?”. Well today’s prize goes not to the Group of Old Poops. It goes to a man and his smokehouse leg.

So many questions arise from this little tale I’ve not the time to list them all. But here’s the big one: Who keeps their severed leg in a barbecue?

I know when I lose a limb, I like to give it to science, or use it to play tricks on neighborhood children. Now that’s good fun.

I guess the moral is, if you’re going to put your body parts in a storage unit, make sure you pay the fees.

Dogwoman

Mayday, Mayday, Government Down!

Hello.

Our state government shut down for three hours last night.

It was horrible, I tell you, horrible. For all of twenty minutes you couldn’t buy lottery tickets or booze. There were villagers with torches and screaming children wandering the streets.

But that’s not the worst part. No, the apex was all those poor campers who wanted to camp out in the fall on a Sunday night. Well, they were locked out of the parks. That’s right, nowhere to pitch a tent for them. I’m so glad they got everything under control or all the bow hunters might have converged on the Capital, making it impossible to get to work. And that would be a freakin’ tragedy wouldn’t it ? Though, the phone call would be funny:

“I’m sorry, I can’t make it to your school, the roads are blocked by angry bow hunters who were forced out of the national parks last night when the government shut down for thirty seconds.”

“I see. Any chance you could walk here?”

“Walk? Uh….”

At any rate by upping the income tax and raising sales tax on services they have managed to save the day. So all of the government workers can get back to their red tape. Of course, the lawmakers themselves get the day off. Well done, well done.

It never occurred to them to just take a pay cut. Why does that solution never catch on with overpaid lawmakers. I suspect it’s their student loans.

Anyway, crisis averted and hopefully this dire situation will not happen again.

Dogwoman