Archive for November, 2007

You Can’t Do That On YouTube


There’s a video going around the net. I’m guessing you’ve heard about it. The title is 2 Girls 1Cup. It’s possible the most disgusting thing ever put on film. I imagine the camera was cringing and trying to get away when they forced the poor thing to film it. I managed to make it through a whopping 15 seconds before the upchuck factor set in.

Why blog about it? Not for the video itself, but for the reaction videos. Some enterprising young college student has filmed his unsuspecting friends watching it. It starts out like any respectable porn film then goes horribly, horribly awry. And that’s where the funny sets in. You’d think watching people watch a video would be boring but no, my friends, it’s hysterical. Watching world wise and intelligent young men and women run for the bathroom is a time waster worth it’s salt.

This one is my favorite. The faces the main watcher makes are priceless. And while most of the friends don’t watch even a full minute this one makes it for a full minute and twenty five. Kudos. But the best part comes at the end when another friend accidentally shows up to catch the least appealing parts. While holding what could possibly be his lunch.

If you’ve got a little time to kill and like to laugh at the discomfort of others, dial up the YouTube and type in “2girls1cup reaction”. It’s better than a night of drunken cow tipping.


What, Me Worry?


This article in TheDaily Kos postulates that:

1. The public is not aware that it is the Republicans who are gumming up the works and slowing down passage of bills.

Yes we are.

2. Democrats are weak and unwilling to fight filibusters and lo the days of the dealmakers are gone. Deep Sigh.

We know that first part and as for the second well, isn’t dealmaking how we ended up in this position in the first place?

3. Buy the book, don’t see the movie.

I am sick of pundit bullshit artists writing books. They always say the same things and never really draw the conclusions that are necessary to complete the thought. No book written by a Washington insider is going to solve the myriad of problems facing this nation. It only increases their personal profits.

4. It’s all the fault of Trent “I’m outta here” Lott and Newt “What Career” Gingirch.

I’d say it was the collective of people who sought to install President Straw Man. Singling people out just makes for good copy. That’s right, I blame the southern fundies and their B.S. agenda.(Psst.. evolution is real and if climate problems continue, you’ll get to see it up close and personal.)


Say What?


Today’s big long post is about magical realism vs. post modernism in new millennium film.

Just kidding.

Actually, it’s about how people use too many words to say nothing at all. I just finished reading a two page interview and when I finished, I had to go back and read it three more times. It occurred to me after I still didn’t understand what the hell was going on that, albeit, I may not be as smart as I’d like to think, I should have at least gotten a gist. Just a gist. But no. Then I realized that’s because the interviewee didn’t answer any of the interviewers questions. Not a one. And you’d think Obama would be just a little more articulate.

Now I understand why they call it spin. When you are finished listening to this garbage, you’re dizzy. And confused. And a bit pissed off.

Why does everything have to sound like a Fox newscast? Just because you have a dictionary, doesn’t mean you need to abuse it this way.

It not just political figures either. I eavesdrop all the time. And what I hear makes my internal English teacher cringe. The long winded explanations about why girl number one didn’t make it to girl number two’s party. Hey chickee, say it with flowers, would you. Because the verbal assault that is coming out of your mouth makes me want to tap dance on you. Ok, maybe not, but I usually have to move to some place quiet and rock back and forth for several minutes.

Shakespeare said that “Brevity is the soul of wit.” He should have said “Verbosity is the soul of twit”

Life is not MySpace. Stop treating every conversation like a social networking page. This means you, Hilary, Mitt, and Rudy. But most especially you Fred! Honestly, what the heck was that tirade all about anyway? Absolutely nothing, that’s what.

Sometimes, wait no, most of the time, the less countable words coming out of the mouth is better. Use precision and you won’t have to keep explaining yourself.

And OMG, textspeak is not language, it’s language reduced to the lowest common denominator.

I feel better.


Fahrenheit What The Hell?


You know how sometimes your house catches on fire? And firefighters show up with their big hoses and start tromping around your house making everything you own into a soggy ashy mess? There you stand on the sidewalk shocked and a little worried about how Spot the cat might not have made it out? Yeah, I have some advice. Don’t let the men in the big rubber suits into your house.

According to a news source the government is now training firefighters to look around for evidence of ‘terrorism’ in houses they go into. Things like chemicals(what if you are a high school chemistry teacher), blueprints(an engineer), lack of furniture(poor). Then they are supposed to report their findings to Homeland Security. I can understand it if there are RPGs stacked in the living room, in which case, you might want to run because the heat will set them off. But some things are innocent until proven guilty. Take for example gardeners, botanists and others who work with plants. Those people tend to have a great many chemicals and ‘suspicious’ items lying about because of their work.

It’s a slippery slope my friends. And telling those who come to your home for emergency purposes that it’s best to mention the grow room, which might actually be a solarium for saliva, not hemp, to the Federal government is a bad, bad, thing. They are supposed to be saving you and your family, not spying for the White House. Taking an entire force of those who are paid to help and turning them into tattletales and rats is one step below evil. Not to mention pushing the bounds of constitutionally correct behavior just a little further to the right. Or wrong.

So next time the Santa Anas’ wreak a little havoc on the 30 million dollar house you built in one of the driest places on earth outside of an actual desert or Condaleeza Rice’s sense of humor, think twice before allowing masked men into your home to gather evidence put out the fire.

Oh, and that goes for paramedics, too. Have the heart attack, it’s probably going to cause you less trouble.


Chirrup, Chirrup “Hi! It’s The DEA, We’ve Got You Surrounded”


Aren’t cell phones the most convenient devices on the planet? The government thinks so. Especially if they want to track you because they think you might be a ‘criminal’. The Washington Post had an article yesterday detailing how law enforcement has been seeking multiple warrants to track those engaged in criminal activity through their cell phones.

Their reasoning?

“And in December 2005, Magistrate Judge Gabriel W. Gorenstein of the Southern District of New York, approving a request for cell-site data, wrote that because the government did not install the “tracking device” and the user chose to carry the phone and permit transmission of its information to a carrier, no warrant was needed.”

That’s right, because a cell phone was purchased, the government has the right to track you at any time without a warrant or that old nemesis, probable cause .

Even if that were true, which it’s not, how many times have you said the following phrase to a friend:

“Can I use your phone?” or “Let me see your phone.” or “Hey, have you got your phone on you?”

See where that can lead? Just because a phone is tracked doesn’t mean that the person using it is the person who owns it. I’ve held on to cell phones that weren’t mine for days at the owners request. Or put someone else’s phone into my pocket because they were pocket poor at the time.

All fourth and first amendment rights being horribly violated aside, just because a cell phone is logged as belonging to someone doesn’t mean that the person on the ground, shackled and bleeding, is the actual owner.

As always with me, the part of the article I found most offensive came at the end. One line :

“Justice Department officials said to the best of their knowledge, agents are obtaining court approval unless the carriersprovide(sic) the data voluntarily”

Oh, that makes it so much better. To know that your cell phone provider may just be handing out your information like Halloween candy.

Let’s face it, the definition of “criminal” has become pretty elastic over the last few years. As has the term the term “terrorist”. Those two words are pretty stretchy. As in the government has stretched them all out of proportion. Anyone who doesn’t agree with their politics has to reasonably expect that at sometime their right to privacy or free speech will be revoked using one of the new handy little changes, such as the wiretapping proviso or the Patriot Act.

I expect my letter will arrive any day now.


Only In America


Happy Thanksgiving to all.

Ah Thanksgiving. It’s a purely American holiday. It’s friendly. Everyone at one point in time has invited an acquaintance home just because that person had nowhere else to go. And it’s a sin to be alone on this particular day. So even though we don’t really mean it, we must invite strangers to our house for Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving brings new meaning to the word gluttony. Since more than half of our population is obese, I blame Thanksgiving. We eat until we can’t move and then wait a few hours and eat some more. Trust me we’ve all had the Turkey hangover.That’s where you have to fast for three days after Thanksgiving because the sight of anything edible makes you want to vomit.

Thanksgiving is where we give thanks for all of the things we have. Our cell phones, our PS3s, our shiny cars. That’s right, we’re a nation of haves and we are grateful for it. Every year my son insists that he is grateful for his gameboy. To be honest, there are times when I am grateful for his gameboy. Especially on long car trips.

And lastly we give thanks to the Native Americans for helping our ancestors through that second winter (The first winter was a bit of a bust.) And ensuring that our break with England would eventually come to fruition.

So then why do I see an increasing amount of news articles about the British celebrating Thanksgiving? That’s a little ironic. But given that state of the world these days, I imagine that they are grateful for not being at all responsible for us. And show it by eating too much and watching football(that’s soccer for those who are globally challenged).

Well, whatever country you are in today, Good luck. May your turkey (or goose) be juicy and your relatives be just a little less snippy than last year. Amen.


Stop, Baby

U2 Goes down in a blaze of Glockenspiel


So, my friend says to me, “Have you heard they turned U2 songs into lullabies for babies.” I laughed, ” It’s a spoof, don’t believe everything you read.”

No it’s true.

Against the dulcet tones of the glockenspiel one can now let the wee one drift off to the classic lullabye “Sunday Bloody Sunday”. Because when I think bedtime music for innocent children, I think U2. Yes, the images of a war torn country and children being shot or starving to death are just what I want my children to listen to before they can even dribble out “momma”.

But wait, it’s gets better. The song list includes “One” a song about an AIDS patient singing to his heartless father just before he dies.Yes, that is what that song is about so, stop playing it at weddings. Or how about “Angel of Harlem”, the one about Billie Holiday and her heroin addiction. My favorite is “The Sweetest Thing” in which Bono declares his wife is “even better than The Real Thing.” That’s nice. I know when my husband declares that I am better than an illegal drug, I get all gushy. And I want my children to hear all about it.

Ya know, the day I heard a U2 song played as muszak in an elevator I thought, “Good lord, I am old and isn’t New Years Day lovely when played by a thousand faceless studio musicians?” I thought that was the lowest anyone could sink, musically speaking. I figure once all your hard work has become fluffy tunes to not think by, that’s it, career over. But no, always breaking new ground, U2 has actually found a level lower than elevator music. They have opened a whole new vista of selling out. Compared to this, the iPod is nothing.

I would have loved to be in on that meeting:

“Uh yeah there boys, a company called Flying Peas would like to turn all of your music into syrupy campy versions of their former glory to market to morons with no musical taste or understanding of your lyrics, so how bout it? ”

“Will it be bigger than the U2 Euchrist they play in American churches?”

“Of course.”

“Then we’re in.”

There is a point where marketing takes a left turn and I think U2 reached it sometime in the late nineties. At this point they are just whores trying to coast on their past success.

Of course if you are not a U2 fan, you can always get the lullaby version of U2 Light Coldplay’s greatest hits. Personally, I am waiting for the Beastie Boys edition, because their songs really hit you where you live. Who doesn’t want their toddlers to Fight for their Right to Paaaaarty?


Anybody Got An Asprin, I Think I Have A Cold


Last week some poor scientisty person kicked it due to Plague. That sucks for him. And anyone he may have coughed on.

This week I have been noticing some pretty ominous ads on Televsion. One is an ad sponsored by the CDC (I think) stating that this years flu season could be deadly so get your flu shots. The others are some grim ads by Lysol about germ transfer. It implies that if there are germs in your house, you and your whole family will die. I scoffed, as who wouldn’t, until I read this mornings news and then I thought, oh well, thanks for the info and does anyone know where I can get a Hazmat suit?

There’s a new sheriff in town and he looks a lot like an old sheriff in new clothes. The cold virus has new attitude. It has been killing people for the last year and a half. Quoi? And of course they are just telling us now. Surprise it’s not the Bird Flu, it’s a cold virus.

The CDC can’t seem to get their opinions together. In one article: it’s ok, nothing to be alarmed about, just though you might like to know. And in the next the CDC is practically screaming that we’re all gonna die.

I suspect the truth is somewhere in between. It’s a mutation they have never seen before on a virus everyone has had at least once. Scary, the unknown. Yet, only ten people have actually died though hundreds have been infected.

I like to think back fondly on the Flu Epidemic of 1918. When people thought God was passing judgment and millions of soldiers died in trenches, hacking and coughing themselves to death. Where one in every three people died. Yes, that was the hey day of viruses.

Of course we invented ways to stop that sort of thing. Now the viruses are reinventing themselves like some over blown eighties pop star who wants to re-issue an album that was good when it was first put out, but now really is kind of dated and frankly, hasn’t everybody heard all of these tracks, do we really need at twentieth anniversary edition?

Wait, where was I?

Oh yeah. Getting a flu shot won’t help. It’s a cold virus, not a flu virus. Lysoling everything within a twelve mile radius will not help either. Unless you are taking a Lysol bath. Sneeze and infect. Cough and infect. Talk and infect. It’s called droplet transmission . It’s also the reason I don’t like to eat out. The cooks talk over your food while they re cooking and, and well… ick.

So good luck everyone. Try to stay warm and cold free because the cure for the common cold is the same as it was for the Flu back in 1918. And you remember how effective that was.


LALALALA, I Can’t Hear You…


In a push yet again to end the American occupation of Iraq, the Senate has drafted a timetable of withdrawal and attached it to a spending bill.

“In exchange for short-term funding, Democrats would require the president to begin withdrawing U.S. troops within 30 days of enactment. They set only a goal of pulling most combat forces out by December 15th, 2008.”

This seems reasonable as most of the citizens of this country want us to withdraw immediately. But what do White House staffers have to say? Well, let’s listen in as Diane Perino has her say:

“But this brought a renewed veto threat from the White House, where press secretary Dana Perino briefed reporters. “Once again they plan to send the president a bill that they know he will veto. This is for political posturing and to appease radical groups,” she said.”

Political posturing and appeasing the radical groups. I like that. It sort of takes your breath away when you consider how hard she had to work to come up with that. Because America is in fact a hotbed of radical groups. Groups like: Everyone but the Republicans. Well, even some of them are starting to turn against their own party. Except the ones who are being outed on a daily basis. Those ‘Pubs have to say whatever they are told in order to keep their jobs.

The GOP has raped our country into a quivering mass of uselessness. They took a tragedy and turned it into a tagline. They have pilloried anyone who disagrees and thrown in jail anyone who looks slantwise at the Administration. The have loosened regulatory services to the point where toys are not safe for our children to play with, our meat is not safe to eat, and gas is due to hit 4.00 a gallon by next summer. They have purposed endless tax cuts for the wealthy but forced states into poverty by slashing domestic services and foisting them off on private institutions like uh,churches. They have taken Education and reduced it to a test and hounded critical thinking into the dark corner of ignorance. They lie to their own citizens about everything from war to wiretapping.

But we who want our troops to come home and the war to end are the radicals. Us. In our own country. The country and citizens the GOP is supposed to be helping and protecting. Not raping and pillaging.

I have only one response for you Diane, baby: In the Immortal words of the Gingerbread Man,



When Good Germs Go Bad


A scientist contracted pneumonic plague after hanging out with a cat. Okay, a relatively big cat, but still.

The doctors thought he had a cold. Yeah, a relatively big cold.

Pneumonic plague is one of the most contagious forms of plague to catch. It’s not the most interesting as there are no buboes and one doesn’t turn black. A person becomes delirious and coughs blood. Lots of blood, as the plague actually turns a human into jelly from the inside out.

Sadly, this is not the first outbreak of the Black Death this year, there was another outbreak that killed over a hundred people in Africa. It was in the news briefly then disappeared so, I have no idea if they contained it or not.

In these modern medical times I can see how a doctor would have no clue what they were looking at. They have no reference point for the Black Death. There hasn’t been any use for the dead cart in a while. Yet, with medieval diseases making a comeback maybe it’s time we stopped working on stem cell research and began to look into the question of time travel.

With a time machine, one could go back, pluck a bloodletting barber from his shop, haul him into a medical facility in our time and get his expert opinion on what ails the patient. Of course, he’d have to be kept away from the shiny sharp instruments and be given a bath. There are always drawbacks but, in time, these could be overcome.

Yes, I think this is the way to go and should be proposed to Congress as soon as possible. It couldn’t be any more outrageous than some of their other ideas and is much less likely to be subject to Presidential veto. Or perhaps, we could bring Yesernia Pestis to justice, American style. Have the little germ tried before a secret criminal court and sent to Guantanamo. Waterboarding might not work, but I am sure the professionally trained torturers the President is so proud of could come up with something.

So there you are, contact your congresspeople as soon as possible about the Black Death before it becomes an epidemic. Let them know you want this pestilence brought to justice. Murdering microscopic bastard.