Archive for February, 2008

But This One Goes To Eleven


My computer is a giant boil on the ass of my life. It’s so old it needs a lap rug and a cat. Not a cute cat either, one of those sheddy ones with the squashed faces.

I am in the market for something sleeker, more user friendly, preferably from this century. But it can’t come from a demon computer genius conglomerate. I have standards. Which I am completely willing to bend if the price is right.

Have you ever been computer shopping? The problems start when the 7 year old ‘geek’ starts talking. It sounds like it might be English but there are all these strange words thrown in. Firewall, hacker, mega ramalamadingdong, … but the one word they love is speed. They will talk your ear off about how fast a computer can access the net. I am old-er. My love for speed died around 1991. Now I am all about the “If I plug it in will it work?” mentality. And have you noticed how excited they get about the latest features? You always know when they’re about to talk about something new because the pitch in their voice goes way up. They sound like little helium people. It’s so entertaining, I wait until they finish, then ask them to repeat themselves. Good times.

The point being, speed or no speed, I just want , just once, some middle age man to reluctantly waddle over to me and point out the computer that will do what I want it to when I want it to with a very small margin for operator error. That’s all.

I want the remedial computer, you know the one in the special class. It doesn’t have to have killer sustain or go to eleven. It just has to work.

And find it’s way to my desk by itself without getting lost.