Archive for September, 2008

Now I Know Why They Go Postal

Hello.

I’m exhausted. I’ve spent the entire weekend running away from people with clipboards. Some of them were wearing Obama shirts and some were wearing McCain shirts.  At one point I had a group of twelve year-olds literally chasing me around the laundromat. “Hey, Lady areyouregisteredtovote?”

Yes, Yes, dagnab it, I am  registered to vote. I am, I swear. I even have the card to prove it. Yes, I am a legal resident of the United States. If not, my parents have some ‘splainin’ to do.

And, No, Mr.College student who looks as though he could use a hot meal and a bath, I do not know who I am going to vote for.  That’s right, I am one of those pesky undecideds.

Now, quit showing up at my door, or following me to the grocery store, the gym, the laundromat and the Library.

I’ll tell you who I’m voting for, on November 8th.

Dogwoman

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Stopping For Death

Hello. (sniff)

Paul Newman died today.  A man who not only was a brilliant actor but a true philanthropist. You know, the kind who don’t seem to exist anymore.

This Doghouse will fly at half mast today in honor of this great man.

Let the wailing begin.

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh.

Dogwoman

Arrgh and Avast

Hello.

Before I forget (because that’s what old people do), today is International Talk Like A Pirate Day!

Go Here for all your Talking Like a Pirate needs, matey.

(On a personal note: Due to an eye infection it has been recommended that I use an eye patch for a couple of days. The irony is staggering as this is probably the only day I could get away with it. Of course, it’s not going to happen but, still, ……arrrgh)

Dogwoman

Rock and Roll Hall Of Shame

Hello.

If you had to choose between a group of musicians the thinking world considers brilliant and a band known mostly for their fabulous hair, which would you choose?

Well, you’re wrong. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is getting set to announce their inductees and would you believe BON JOVI is the critics pick? I don’t know whether to weep or send angry invective laden e-mails. I thought they could sink no lower when Madonna made the list but, holy roaming cows.

And Bon Jovi is getting the nod over a band like Rush. Rush. One of the most eclectic and inventive bands in history. One of the first bands to begin using technology in their music. That’s right it wasn’t U(f’n)2. It was pioneers like Rush and Yes that started that craze.

On this list of  possible inductees are bands like the Smiths and the Cure who were never considered rock bands. Also Donna Summer and Chic two groups that are strictly Disco. Run DMC and the Beastie Boys are  on the list as well.

And what a dismal list. Is this really the best they can do? Have we run out of great musicians to induct and are now scraping the bottom of the musical barrel?

Did I mention that Metallica is on the list? They have been around forever, are still making great music and their albums always go to the top of the charts as soon as they are released. Even those who don’t generally listen to Heavy Metal can hum Enter Sandman. And they are being ignored for Bon Jovi? A group that is barely one step ahead of Milli Vanilli. Why don’t they just induct Ratt and Vanilla Ice and end the whole pretense?

If you’d like to put in your two cents worth, go here to vote for the band of your choice.

And it better not be Bon Freakin’ Jovi. Seriously. I have your IP and I can find you.

Dogwoman

No Panties! No Panties!

Hello.

Let’s get straight to it.

If a bartender offered you free drinks to take off your panties and hang them above the bar would you? Would you flash the patrons for a glass of champagne? You would? Well, have I got  bar for you.

Yeah, you’d have to go to Australia, but it could be worth it.

People are upset. Think of the children, they cry. What are children doing in a bar? It’s a bar. It’s supposed to set a bad example. That’s the whole point of drinking establishments. And I say if a woman wants to wander about the place with her bottom half uncovered, silkies swinging above the bartender,  Go to it, sister. As for the flashing, have these people never been to Mardi Gras ? That place is flash central and proud of it. What about Carnival? Nude beaches?

Oi, sometimes a person just wants to break out the mold, unrut their rutted life, do something a little off the beaten track. If that something involves a few hours of half naked drinking, so be it. Is it irresponsible, foolish, and darned childish ? Yes, yes, it is and that’s the point.

So off with the knickers and on with the drinking.

Wha? Me? Oh, no. No, couldn’t possibly. The sheer size of my delicates would weigh down the pantie line, smothering the bartender and what fun would that be?

Dogwoman

Everybody Panic!!!!!!!!

Hello.

I awoke so early this morning that even the birds were still asleep. When I tried to wake them, they gave me the middle feather. Cheeky bustards.

After reading the news, I turned to my abnormally cheerful husband and wailed “But, I was only gone for five hours!”

Here’s what I found :

The banking sector of the United States is in Chicken Little mode with every newspaper screaming that the sky is falling. As it may well be. When the smoke clears, will Bank of America be the only financial institution still standing? One pundit goes so far as to hint the “thousands” of banks will now fail in the coming months. Which is of course a signal for everyone to begin pulling their money out of the bank and hiding it in their mattresses. Failure to help people fully understand what the collapse of these financial giants means for the average Joe almost guarantees a run of worried customers, causing further panic and instability. If they can soft pedal of war of indeterminate length and destruction, why can’t they lie about the money problems of the entire country?

Also, because I have to live here, this really pisses me off and makes me hate the GOP more, which I didn’t think possible, but there it is. The Michigan GOP is trying to use the nifty Right-To-Vote laws here in Michigan to keep those who have been foreclosed upon from voting. Last time I checked the only groups of people not eligible to vote in the U.S. are illegal immigrants and currently incarcerated felons. Is the Michigan GOP trying to say that those who lost their homes to the shady dealings of the mortgage companies are actually criminals???? That’s one way to misdirect to mislead. Which seems to be the GOP’s SOP.

This one is more of an observational question. If oil is now selling for under a hundred dollars a barrel, why am I paying almost 4.50 a gallon this morning? If you say Ike I will issue a horrible Ancient Roman Curse upon you and your family. And your dog. While the closing of the refineries was probably a factor it does not explain to my personal satisfaction a jump of nearly 70 cents in two days. Especially with the price of oil continually falling. At one point on Friday a gas station here in Michigan was selling at 5.99 a gallon. Clearly, they were gouging. Yet, are the oil companies now gouging on the speculation of the maybe of things to come? So it would seem. Starting a mass panic can be profitable.

There was also a story about a house burning to the ground in North Texas because some geniuses disconnected the fire hydrants. Why, you ask? Because they were afraid that terrorists would poison the water supply. *Headslap* Good God, I knew this country was going backwards but, all the way back to the Middle Ages?

If you haven’t yet started running about your abode wailing in terror, scrabbling for your bankbook and refusing to drink the tap water, well, there just might be hope for you yet.

Dogwoman

Not To Complain But…..

Hello.

It’s been a long week.

It went something like this:

Hello I ‘m here to-

Room 22. Here are your keys.

Uh thanks.

(Shuffle, Shuffle, click. Science??? This is supposed to be English. Darn.) Hmmm. Lesson plans, lesson plans. (I rifle the desk and look through the file cabinets which I’ve mentioned before I really hate doing.) Uh, where are the lesson plans????

Teacher from next door comes in. “Yeah Mrs. — was called away suddenly. Did she leave any lesson plans?”

No

“Oh, well I’ll see what I can come up with” she says running for the door as students begin to flood the classroom.

Oh dear, think think, think. (doing my Winnie the Pooh impression)

That was Monday.

Tuesday I was a Temporary Librarian.

HI I’m your-

Could you make copies of these and then I’ll tell you what you’re doing today.

Then she forgot to tell me what she wanted done. My job was to stand behind the desk and use my angry giantess superpowers to look imposing as students filed past to get their textbooks. “Grrrr, you evil students. Shhh, quit, this is a Library. Stop molesting the dictionary. What on earth are you doing to that book???” That’s right, I got paid to be a book bodyguard.

Thursday? Oh Thursday.

Two schools. One day.

School one.

Volunteers to read. How about you?

I don’t know how to read. (class laughs, until I give them THE LOOK)

Really. (Checking the class schedule) Is this not the honors class?

Yes but I can’t read. (class snickers)

That’s very sad. Maybe you should go to East office and let them know so they can put you in a different class.

Never mind

Are you sure? I wouldn’t want you to do anything you’re not ready for.

I can read it.

Oh well, you know what, let”s get someone else for now and I’ll let Mrs. — know you have trouble with reading.

Bitch, I hate you.

School Two:

Hi I’m-

Resource room upstairs end of the hall. And you’re late.

Sorry about that, I was coming from another school. I did call.

Mrs— is still there so maybe you can catch her before she leaves.

Great

Hi I’m-

Here are the lesson plans. watch out for K and I, have a great day. ( I think her high heels actually left skid marks as she raced for the exit.)

Students come in.

Hello. Mrs — isn’t here today. My name is Dogwoman and I’ll be helping you during her absence. Please get out your workbooks and I’ll come around and help-

Reading charts go flying as one student becomes upset. Next the book cart, three chairs and a math book that hits me in the back. Don’t worry, it was soft cover. When I called the office to have the student removed this was their reply

Oh, yeah, K,. The teachers next door can help. click.

Whaa..????? ( Now he’s screaming, flipping me off and using language reserved for Ice Road Truckers.)

Three teachers materialize and start talking to him like he’s a rabid dog they don’t want to get to close to. He hides in the media cabinet. Two other students begin fighting over who gets to use the computers first.

Eventually, three of the six students I started with have to be removed.

Later, they come back and it’s like nothing happened. Perfect gentlemen, every one of them. Gahhhh!

In my car on the way home I think about intense drug therapy and how it can be beneficial in these situations. No, not for the students, for me. I think a heroin script would really do the trick and I might mention it to my doctor next time I see her. Because, clearly, the vodka is not working.

Dogwoman