Archive for the ‘advice for political figures’ Category

Careful There, You Almost Stepped In It

Hello.

Dearest Rush Limbaugh,

When you were a child, did you know that one day you would grow up to be  a heinous individual whose verbal incontinence caused people to want to ram steak knives into their ear canals? Did you?

I was only asking because comparing our President to the entire Nazi regime and encouraging hillbilly followers to disrupt town hall meetings and/or physically abuse complete strangers seems like a unusual life goal.  I understand the need to have a goal. I have goals. I have a great dream where it is illegal to spread slander. Oh wait, (headslap) that’s not a dream.

You, my fat bellied friend, are skating really close to the edge of a dangerous pond.  While one may in fact poke fun at the President of the United States, and I for one, really miss having the ammunition to do so, one cannot imply that one knows for certain that he is a Nazi,without actual proof.  You are probably wondering how you did that. It comes from stating, however vaguely, that the swastika is used in any manner by  the United States government or in this case, President Obama. The use of said emblem in any way would by association imply that our President is indeed a Nazi. And then the big bad Government agencies that you would like to see let loose on common citizens would actually be after…you. For slander of a public figure. Which you have barely escaped doing in your little tirade yesterday.

The most fun part of this is that the swastika is only being used  by your fellow right wingers on their protest signs. They are carrying the emblem. And waving it about. And shouting threatening slogans at innocent bystanders. So, by your own wise definition system, are they not in fact advertising themselves to be…….I’ll let you figure that one out.

Have a great, big, giant, red white and blue day! And see if you can’t work on getting some kind of internal editor before you end up back in the slammer.

Dogwoman

Palin’s Power Of Protest Pales

Hello.

So many things changed in the five months I was gone. Neil Gaiman got himself a girlfriend, Dick Cheney finally decided to open his mouth, and has there been even more celebrity up-skirting or am I just seeing things?

Oh and why is Sarah Palin still talking? I thought the Republican Party made themselves clear at the end of the election. She’s become a sort of diva politician. Irritating. Even her exceptions to Dave Letterman’s remarks are uncouth and confusing. She cannot make her self understood. Palin should take a  road trip with Tom Petty and Bob Dylan, she’s so succinct. I read her comments and I can’t decide if she’s upset about the cheap shot taken at her daughter or just milking the whole thing for more media time.  If it were anyone with an ounce of grace ,they would protest clearly and concisely and then drop it in order to keep their child’s name from circulating through the press. But Palin actually seems to enjoy parading her daughter through the media as some sort of Saint of the Unwed Teenage Mothers.  Looking at the skyrocketing statistics from the past ten years, this is  not something that should be encouraged. Most teen mothers are poor and lose choices for a better life. They are not the spoiled self -involved child of a politician who talks like a Dr. Suess character.

Maybe it’s just that Palin can’t  keep a clear thought in her head. Maybe her  Hubble telescope glasses are interfering with her neruons. Perhaps if she opted for a smaller style when she spoke the rest of us Earthlings could understand her tirades . Until that happens, maybe she should just shhh.

 

Dogwoman

I Do Not Think That Word Means What You Think It Means

Hello.

Dear John McCain,

I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but you must stop using the ‘s’ word when referring to Barak Obama. The only people it’s having any impact with are those from your own party. Everyone else is laughing at you.

Are you aware that the most popular book right now was written by a man named Karl Marx? Seriously, that dry unyielding tome is flying off the shelves.

Also, being a self confessed man of the world, vastly experienced in foreign policy, you should be aware that France and Italy are both socialist countries. Italy is a mecca for social acceptance and France, aside from hating Americans on principle, has quite  a bit to recommend it.

I think you are using the word “Socialist” to mean another word that Americans fear. Communist. And the Red Scare died a few years back. So, are you attempting to call Obama a Communist without actually using the word? That’s just stupid and desperate.

In the current state of populist politics it might be best if you found another way to discredit your opponent. All you are accomplishing with your bogus ‘socialist ‘ rhetoric is jacking up Obama’s poll rankings. Which is probably not the outcome you were looking for.

I’ve got other words you might want to avoid but who has time to teach semantics to a man who hired a white trash Governor to be his running mate?

Dogwoman

Now I Know Why They Go Postal

Hello.

I’m exhausted. I’ve spent the entire weekend running away from people with clipboards. Some of them were wearing Obama shirts and some were wearing McCain shirts.  At one point I had a group of twelve year-olds literally chasing me around the laundromat. “Hey, Lady areyouregisteredtovote?”

Yes, Yes, dagnab it, I am  registered to vote. I am, I swear. I even have the card to prove it. Yes, I am a legal resident of the United States. If not, my parents have some ‘splainin’ to do.

And, No, Mr.College student who looks as though he could use a hot meal and a bath, I do not know who I am going to vote for.  That’s right, I am one of those pesky undecideds.

Now, quit showing up at my door, or following me to the grocery store, the gym, the laundromat and the Library.

I’ll tell you who I’m voting for, on November 8th.

Dogwoman

The Dog’s Advice

Hello.

Dear Dogwoman,

I am a woman in my mid forties with a busy family including the arrival of a new grandchild by my seventeen year old unmarried daughter. I am also currently running for the Vice-Presidential slot in the next election. My question is: How do I balance these responsibilities in the face of a media onslaught?

-just a barracuda

Dear Barracuda,

Being a working mom can be tough. With so many different jobs during the day one can become overwhelmed. My advice is to fly back to your home state as quickly as possible and not come out again until November 8th. This way the media has nothing to talk about and most voters will forget who you are. An air of mystery can be a good thing during a political campaign. As I always say, leave ’em guessing because confusion is always the best weapon.

Dogwoman

Dear Dogwoman,

I recently announced my Vice Presidential pick. It seemed like a good idea at the time, now however, I am having second thoughts. Apparently this chick has some unfinished business she forgot to mention during the vetting process, like a little legal problem called Trooper-Gate. Even though she is trying to avoid testifying I am afraid it will come back to bite both of us in the ass. How do I get her to dropout without looking bad?

-running on empty

Dear Running,

All of us make mistakes from time to time. It is best to try not to make them in the public eye. And definitely best not to get caught making them on YouTube.  With this in mind, once the mistake is made one must learn to live with it. I am afraid that if you bounce this person now you will look like an even bigger ass than you currently do. Best just to smile into the cameras and talk up your choice as much as possible. If you say something enough people will begin to believe it, even if it is an outright lie.

Dogwoman

Dearest Dog Woman,

We are a group of International Foreign Ministers. Recently, we had a meeting during which one of our esteemed members proposed that as a bit of fun we vote for the next U.S. President amongst ourselves.  We did, it was a laugh and things went forward. Now, unfortunately we are all being hounded, Diana-style, by the international media to reveal the winner. How do we get these vultures to back off?

_Ministers for Change

Dear Ministers,

Admit openly that your choice was Barack Obama, even if it wasn’t, and they will leave you alone.

Dogwoman

Dear Dogwoman,

I was recently fired from a news job. Well, fired is a bit extreme, more like downgraded. All because I let my opinions be known openly. And because the person they paired me with is a right wing blow hard with no morals to speak of. Seriously, this guy would sell his grandmother for air time. Is it my fault the Unites States government is full of crooked bastards with their collective grubby hands in the cookie jar? I think not. Anywho, now my employer is mad and refuses to let me finish commenting on the upcoming election. The question at large is this : How do I get back at these numb-skulls without losing my job completely?

-slave to the man

Dear Slave,

You have a serious problem. Normally I would blithely dispense advice but honestly. You should know better than to hold left leaning opinions in a world where Fox “my ticker tape is always misspelled and no one cares” News rules the roost. Right wingers, Republicans and your mother -in-law will now berate and scorn you for not being ‘neutral’ in a world where no one is neutral. The best advice I can come up with is, either continue soapboxing for the Liberals and hope Obama wins or rapaciously suck up to every Republican political figure you can. At this point neither action can do much harm. Good luck.

Dogwoman