Archive for the ‘Blarney’ Category

Insert Snarky Title About Bill O’Reilly Here

Hello.

I don’t actually watch T.V. I don’t have to. If there is something I want to see, I can find it on the Web.

There has begun what I like to call a “video off” going on between John Stewart and Bill O’Reilly. To be fair, it’s mostly O’Reilly trying to start something.

It began when Stewart intimated that Fox News, using their own critieria, is now Liberal. Well, Bill just couldn’t let that one slide. He attempts to maintain that the video clips that Stewart uses are taken out of context. He does a poor job at best. In attempting to explain how off the mark Stewart is O’Reilly actually makes Stewart’s case for him.

But don’t take my word for it.

Here is Stewart.

And here is O’Reilly trying to shoot back with a water gun.

Those crazy liberal Republicans. They’re all loons.

Dogwoman

CelebriBible

hello.

One might think that such things as a world wide, excruciatingly slow, collapse of financial markets, abnormally violent weather and Sarah Palin appearing on Saturday Night Live might be a sign that the end is near, but, no.

The true sign of the times is a book. A giant glossy book with pictures of Bono, Angelina Jolie and Nelson Mandela. No, it’s not a book of past Vanity Fair articles. It’s the Bible.

That’s right, some enterprising Swede has come up with a Bible that catches the eye. For all of those who think there are just too many words and not enough shallow glitz in their scripture, this Books’ for you.

Now, honestly. Isn’t this a bit like the Devil printing his own version? I can see how it might bring comfort to those who wander about their McMansions feeling lost. How inspiring to look down and see a bible that has pictures of your friends splashed throughout it. Ahh, warms the cockles of a shriveled greedy heart, so it does.

But then there is the rest of us, you nutters. Also, it could just be me but isn’t putting pictures of wealthy capitalists in the bible a bit sacrilegious? I was taught that greed of any kind was against the teachings. I took that to mean greed not only for money but also attention, among other things. Is the world not plastic enough? Does there really need to be a celebribible?

And what’s with the implied eyebrow piercing? What is that supposed to symbolize exactly?

The author grandly points out that all of the books are layed out like magazine articles.

Great, what’s next an interactive Bible with Fox News headlines scrolling across the bottom?

Some people have waaayyyyyy too much time on their hands. And should probably put down the crack pipe.

Dogwoman

The Mouse Wants Better Cheese and New Nesting Material

Hello.

Soooooo, with Russia violating international law in just the way G.W. taught them to, something monumental is going on right here at home.

NO, not giant groups of Phelps phans running amok causing riots and burning cars. Swimming fanatics are just not that motivated.

I refer of course to the great Disney Protest. That’s right mouseketeers, your busboys and hotel workers are wearing costumes and blocking entrances.

Why? you ask Why why has this horror been rained down upon the American Dream? Have we not suffered enough?

Because Disney wants to begin treating them just like every other underpaid worker on the planet. The main issue seems to center around the slashing of their free health care. I repeat, busboys, cleaning women and other hotel workers are receiving free health care. Yeah that’s what I thought too.

I work teaching and corralling the potential of tomorrow and I don’t have health care at all. Let alone free.

Amid the whining, the Union said that they didn’t want to send out the actual character workers to protest. So they sent the hotel workers dressed in costumes instead.

Nothing like getting it from both sides. What I can’t believe is that these idiots went for it. This might explain why talks keep breaking down.

The ‘House’ll keep you posted as this breaking story develops.

Who am I kidding? No I won’t.

Dogwoman

I Drank What?

Hello.

I know that my Bono rants are tiring. But he’s just gone too far this time. Again.

In a magnanimous effort to still seem hip inside some rapidly expanding and aging skin Bono and the Red(y for this Bullshit ?) Program are launching a DRM free online music store. The B states that the new programs will change the way music is delivered. That’s nice.

Sadly, this announcement comes right after he published a letter in NME blaming file sharing and music store deliveries for the downfall of the music industry.

Playing both sides of the field will not make friends among fans of music. And by music I refer of course to those who use instruments that they can actually play, sing songs in tune and don’t use drum machines or backing tracks to disguise the fact that they haven’t a musical bone in their body.

It was nice of him to laud Radiohead for their online ‘experiment’. However, he must be living in a musical time warp if he thinks Radiohead invented the free download. Excellent musicians without huge contracts have been doing this for a while. And they don’t throw a tantrum when the music is shared. They know that if people like their music they will come back again and again to buy it.

It is pure excrementum to complain like a harpy about file sharing and then start a DRM free online music store.

Whatever he is smoking I would like some delivered to the Doghouse, pronto.

Dogwoman

All I Want Is EU

Hello.

Bono wants Africa to create a United States of Africa.

Yeah, and I want Baskin Robbins to start a home delivery service.

The problem that the little man has vastly overlooked, as has his alter ego Jeffery Sachs, is the separatist and tribal nature of many African nations. There are literally hundred of tribes within the African framework and they do not all get along. I don’t mean this in a Protestant v. Catholic way either. I mean that they will never get along. Ever. This division existed long before Ireland tossed out it’s Druids and gained a snake charmer.

Also, has either of these social geniuses looked at a map?¬† I am referring specifically to North Africa. I don’t mean to be a killjoy here but have they noticed the many stable, productive, countries at the top of the African Continent? Something tells me that Egypt and Morocco are not going to loosen ties to other Muslim countries in order to embrace a chaotic warlord run Sub Saharan Africa. They can’t, their ideologies are so different nothing would ever be accomplished.

And I don’t think pointing to the EU is a good example builder in light of Ireland overwhelmingly killing the Lisbon treaty.

In fact, pointing to Ireland at all is probably not a good idea right now. Their entire economy was overhauled to mimic a supply side economic reality. Housing went from affordable to outrageous in a few years and the deep social divisions between the poor and wealthy became over- exacerbated. Now with the credit crisis striking everyone who ever had dealings with the United States, Ireland’s economy is in a tailspin. Companies are pulling out and jobs are being lost. The housing boom is declining. What has been an economic success for many years is turning into a struggling morass of nothing actually being accomplished.

Is this what Bono the Great wants for Africa? A warring conglomerate of mis- matched countries whose separate and individual natures keep them in a constant state of flux rather than as a cohesive ruling body?

And if they do manage somehow to become a full fledged United anything  who is going to keep the rampant cocaine use and boy racers at bay? Not to mention the self righteous, self indulgent celebrities.

Dogwoman

If You Only Knew

Hello.

I read a news report about a substitute who was fired for doing a magic trick in class. Oh and he let students use a computer. I’m willing to bet he didn’t let the students use it, they just waited till he wasn’t looking. Or lied to him.

Another Sub was fired for having blue hair.

The charges against the Subs were, respectively, wizardry and paganism.

I find this interesting, considering that Subs are expected to be magical beings who can wave a wand and keep a class of forty two strangers under control while simultaneously getting them to do ridiculous busy work.

The complaints came from parents. Parents. Oh, parents.

Recently, I was redirected to another job at the last minute. After getting into the class and starting my morning walk about, a parent came to the door with two little ‘uns and began without preamble to scream at me. I watched and waited for them to take a breath. This took a while. When they finished calling me everything they could think of except ‘fine individual’, I smiled and said:

” I wasn’t here yesterday and I have no idea what you are talking about.”

“Aren’t you the Sub?”

“I am a Sub, but not the one you are looking for I think.”

” Oh. Well my kids” indicating the two children who hadn’t said anything thus far, “said he was screaming at them.”

I nodded. ” Well, you could go to the office and discuss it with them but, right now I have to finish reading the lesson plans. Sorry.”

“Right.” Then they left.

The problem is that the parents have no idea how their children behave in school. The class mentioned above contains no less than eight conduct disordered and special educations students. I know this because I have spent a lot of time in that particular class. The students don’t get away with much when I am there, though they do try. Of course they try, they’re kids. And it’s ten times worse when a Sub is there. On this day, a student from this class was given a three day suspension. He came back after I sent him to the office and said ” You got me suspended.” I replied in my best teachery voice, “No, —, you got yourself suspended by making a poor choice. Next time, think carefully before you act.” Which of course was followed by the student yelling “I hate you.”¬† Sigh.

If parents could see what their children really do when Substitutes are in the room, I think the two people at the beginning of the article would still be employed.

Wizardry and Paganism are not really the issue. The issue is parental complaining. If they think that their children are being treated badly they don’t stop to rationalize the problem, they just go off. My children, over the years, have come home telling me about a mean Sub and I always ask them what they did to make the Sub mad. Inevitably, the answer is ‘nothing”. Bull. I know better. And so do they.

In the course of this last year I have been subjected to: Paper airplanes , paper wads, bits of erasers, pencils, paperclips, books and marbles thrown at me during lessons. I have been threatened with physical harm, spit at, screamed at, pushed and physically intimidated. I’ve been told to fuck off, get fucked, fuck you. I’ve been called bitch, geek, loser, stupid, dumb, not a real teacher, idiot. These are general education students. Every parents’ precious little snowflake treats strangers this way. Strangers, I might add, who have come into the class to help them learn.

So the next time your angel comes home whining about a Sub who was mean, take a minute to think of all things said angel might have done to push that person too far. Everyone has limits, even substitutes.

Paganism and wizardry, my ass.

Dogwoman

I Know A Place You Can Stick Your Brand

Hello.

If you turned your lights out for an hour on Saturday, I weep for you.

Earth Hour was a sneaky little trick pulled by business entrepreneurs to Brand a political movement.

So was the collection of world wide rock concerts sponsored by the Man in Green, Al Gore.

So is the Red Program

So is any charitable or humanitarian movement in which anyone in a suit whose lips move faster than the rest of them is involved.

Branding is a pandemic.

There is a rush to slap a label on everything in an attempt to market to the overcrowded market. However, if what is being branded is a movement or a humanitarian group or goal, then it’s taking the whole point of that movement or goal and flushing straight down the potty. People are fickle and don’t really like to be told how to feel about issues. Many of the ‘new’ movements are emotionally driven. The pros and cons of each should be left up to the individual, not the corporation. It is lazy to allow a politician or rock star or dot com executive to tell you what to think. People should think for themselves. And many do.

Contrary to popular thought, branding things like Global Warming is actually counterproductive. Yes, it gets more attention but it’s usually negative attention. Rational people are less likely, despite what slick charts tell you, to engage in an activity that has a corporate brand on it. Those who jump through these politically driven hoops tend to be younger and less focused or older and concerned what others think of them.

Politicians love brands because it tells them exactly what to do. Corporations love brands because they can direct their marketing at target audiences, like children. Everything from music groups to art galleries have hired marketing strategists to create a brand that will get noticed. That’s why Amy Winehouse and Lindsy Lohan have recording contracts. They’re not good, they’re just easy.

I think of it this way. The only thing that should be branded is cattle. And only so ranchers can tell one cow from another.

If the powers that wanna be begin branding things like Global Warming or international charities people will be less likely to take them seriously. It is seen as a way to get the attention of children or the hopelessly insecure.

As for Earth Hour, well uh, my house is always lit up as though the Mother Ship has just landed. I like to think of it as a beacon in the darkness of mooing ignorance that surrounds us all. My husbands thinks of it as a condition called ‘Childitis’ i.e.: that act of having children who won’t turn off the light when they leave a room. Sigh.

Dogwoman