Archive for the ‘Bono’ Category

CelebriBible

hello.

One might think that such things as a world wide, excruciatingly slow, collapse of financial markets, abnormally violent weather and Sarah Palin appearing on Saturday Night Live might be a sign that the end is near, but, no.

The true sign of the times is a book. A giant glossy book with pictures of Bono, Angelina Jolie and Nelson Mandela. No, it’s not a book of past Vanity Fair articles. It’s the Bible.

That’s right, some enterprising Swede has come up with a Bible that catches the eye. For all of those who think there are just too many words and not enough shallow glitz in their scripture, this Books’ for you.

Now, honestly. Isn’t this a bit like the Devil printing his own version? I can see how it might bring comfort to those who wander about their McMansions feeling lost. How inspiring to look down and see a bible that has pictures of your friends splashed throughout it. Ahh, warms the cockles of a shriveled greedy heart, so it does.

But then there is the rest of us, you nutters. Also, it could just be me but isn’t putting pictures of wealthy capitalists in the bible a bit sacrilegious? I was taught that greed of any kind was against the teachings. I took that to mean greed not only for money but also attention, among other things. Is the world not plastic enough? Does there really need to be a celebribible?

And what’s with the implied eyebrow piercing? What is that supposed to symbolize exactly?

The author grandly points out that all of the books are layed out like magazine articles.

Great, what’s next an interactive Bible with Fox News headlines scrolling across the bottom?

Some people have waaayyyyyy too much time on their hands. And should probably put down the crack pipe.

Dogwoman

I Drank What?

Hello.

I know that my Bono rants are tiring. But he’s just gone too far this time. Again.

In a magnanimous effort to still seem hip inside some rapidly expanding and aging skin Bono and the Red(y for this Bullshit ?) Program are launching a DRM free online music store. The B states that the new programs will change the way music is delivered. That’s nice.

Sadly, this announcement comes right after he published a letter in NME blaming file sharing and music store deliveries for the downfall of the music industry.

Playing both sides of the field will not make friends among fans of music. And by music I refer of course to those who use instruments that they can actually play, sing songs in tune and don’t use drum machines or backing tracks to disguise the fact that they haven’t a musical bone in their body.

It was nice of him to laud Radiohead for their online ‘experiment’. However, he must be living in a musical time warp if he thinks Radiohead invented the free download. Excellent musicians without huge contracts have been doing this for a while. And they don’t throw a tantrum when the music is shared. They know that if people like their music they will come back again and again to buy it.

It is pure excrementum to complain like a harpy about file sharing and then start a DRM free online music store.

Whatever he is smoking I would like some delivered to the Doghouse, pronto.

Dogwoman

All I Want Is EU

Hello.

Bono wants Africa to create a United States of Africa.

Yeah, and I want Baskin Robbins to start a home delivery service.

The problem that the little man has vastly overlooked, as has his alter ego Jeffery Sachs, is the separatist and tribal nature of many African nations. There are literally hundred of tribes within the African framework and they do not all get along. I don’t mean this in a Protestant v. Catholic way either. I mean that they will never get along. Ever. This division existed long before Ireland tossed out it’s Druids and gained a snake charmer.

Also, has either of these social geniuses looked at a map?¬† I am referring specifically to North Africa. I don’t mean to be a killjoy here but have they noticed the many stable, productive, countries at the top of the African Continent? Something tells me that Egypt and Morocco are not going to loosen ties to other Muslim countries in order to embrace a chaotic warlord run Sub Saharan Africa. They can’t, their ideologies are so different nothing would ever be accomplished.

And I don’t think pointing to the EU is a good example builder in light of Ireland overwhelmingly killing the Lisbon treaty.

In fact, pointing to Ireland at all is probably not a good idea right now. Their entire economy was overhauled to mimic a supply side economic reality. Housing went from affordable to outrageous in a few years and the deep social divisions between the poor and wealthy became over- exacerbated. Now with the credit crisis striking everyone who ever had dealings with the United States, Ireland’s economy is in a tailspin. Companies are pulling out and jobs are being lost. The housing boom is declining. What has been an economic success for many years is turning into a struggling morass of nothing actually being accomplished.

Is this what Bono the Great wants for Africa? A warring conglomerate of mis- matched countries whose separate and individual natures keep them in a constant state of flux rather than as a cohesive ruling body?

And if they do manage somehow to become a full fledged United anything  who is going to keep the rampant cocaine use and boy racers at bay? Not to mention the self righteous, self indulgent celebrities.

Dogwoman

Conversations Part Deux

Hello there. Bono here.

I’ve kidnapped Dogwoman’s blog. Do you like the title? It’s from the book in which I talk candidly about my life.

And speaking of talking candidly. I would like to use this space to speak openly about Africa.

Over the last year Dogwoman has presented a few unfavorable arguments against the Red Program that have almost no merit. I thought I would borrow her platform to present a few of my own ideas.

There is an holocaust going on in Africa right now. Then entire country is going up in flames. As you read this thousands of children are dying from disease and malnutrition. Orphans are being created by AIDS which has become a worldwide problem not just an African problem-

Uh ‘scuse me, what the hell are you doing on my blog?

Oh look, Dogwoman has joined us. Hello there. I’m Bono and I thought I would just give a quick run down of some ideas on how to deal with the emergency in Africa. A little tete a tete on the state of things. As Edge was saying the other da-

Yeah, don’t care. How did you get in here ?

(laughs) You wouldn’t want me to get anyone in trouble now would you?

Yes. Yes I would. Hey! Did you mess with my tags?

Well I can’t give away all of my secrets. Let’s just say I know a few kind people who wanted to help.

I see. would you mind getting off my blog. Don’t you have blog of your own from which you can spew?

Not really. The U2 site is strictly for music you know.

No it’s not

Yes it is. And while we’re on the subject-

We’re not-

U2 is in the studio right now. We’re hoping the new album will be a complete departure from our other work.

It’s going to be good?

Oh that’s not fair. We’re hoping for a really different sound using more of a world music approach. I think you’ll really enjoy it.

Doubtful. Look don’t you have somewhere else to be, a building to redesign, a company to take over, a model to pinch, something like that?

You’re not a very nice person are you?

Have you actually read this blog?

Well, no. But Bill, Al and Steve said it was a good place to have a laugh. Now that I look about, it’s bit boring isn’t it? I’ve noticed you don’t have the Red Program in your blogroll. Why is that?

Because I don’t think corporations belong in the charity business.

Ah see, you admit that charity is a business.

No I don’t

Yes , you just said so

You’re twisting my words.

That being said , why not generate sustainable income for cash strapped charities? It’s a business model that is growing and I think you should stop carping about things you don’t fully understand.

I was going to say the same thing about you. You know, you’re a lot more freckly up close. Are you a redhead under all that dye?

I don’t think that is relevant to the conversation we are having

So that’s a yes then?

Look the color of my hair is not important. What is important is that millions of people are dying and all you do is whine about your Government. Why don’t you get off your enourmous yank arse and do something instead of complaining about those who are trying to do something?

I did.

Oh really and what was that?

Well, you’re here aren’t you?

Oh, and there he goes. Bye..don’t let my blog hit you in the arse on the way out..

Sorry about that folks. Don’t worry that won’t happen again. I’m changing my password. Damn hackers.

Dogwoman