Archive for the ‘Can you two please quit arguing’ Category

The King (or Queen) of Smears

Hello.

I know you’ve been waiting with bated ( not”baited” CNN reporter person, as in “abated” or withheld. When are they going to offer me your job because even with my crap spelling I can get most of the grammar right. Maybe you should be working for Fox News) breath for this announcement.

I know who I’m going to vote for. I decided last night while watching the political ads on T.V. I will vote for every candidate, regardless of party affiliation, who effectively and completely smears or degrades their opponent.

This is my reasoning.

First, if one is willing to expose every dirty little secret of an opponent in order to win a job in which one will undoubtedly be hated by a majority of the people in a state or throughout the country, you have the kind of balls we need right now.

Secondly, if one is the kind of person who can take innocent friendships and turn them into sinister affiliations that stop just short of canoodling with the Devil himself, well that takes a great deal of creativity, which we also need. Any President can clandestinely re-write the Constitution. It takes real commitment to creatively change someone’s background right out where people can see it.

Lastly, if  one is willing to lay all the blame on the shoulders of another person and repeatedly call them a liar until people believe it without question, then one has the kind of superficial charm we the people have been searching for. And if one can do it with out mixing metaphors or making verbal gaffes that cause the world wide web to post them to YouTube on the comedy channel, you are our man or woman.

So there you are: Balls, creativity and just enough charm to make it all go down easier. These are the characteristics our government has been lacking for eight years. And I am willing to help make sure they again rise to the top of the dung heap we call American Government.

Join me won’t you, in ensuring that every smarmy, soulless bastard with a seven figure income and no idea how public transportation works leads our Country back to the glory days.

Amen.

Dogwoman

Not To Complain But…..

Hello.

It’s been a long week.

It went something like this:

Hello I ‘m here to-

Room 22. Here are your keys.

Uh thanks.

(Shuffle, Shuffle, click. Science??? This is supposed to be English. Darn.) Hmmm. Lesson plans, lesson plans. (I rifle the desk and look through the file cabinets which I’ve mentioned before I really hate doing.) Uh, where are the lesson plans????

Teacher from next door comes in. “Yeah Mrs. — was called away suddenly. Did she leave any lesson plans?”

No

“Oh, well I’ll see what I can come up with” she says running for the door as students begin to flood the classroom.

Oh dear, think think, think. (doing my Winnie the Pooh impression)

That was Monday.

Tuesday I was a Temporary Librarian.

HI I’m your-

Could you make copies of these and then I’ll tell you what you’re doing today.

Then she forgot to tell me what she wanted done. My job was to stand behind the desk and use my angry giantess superpowers to look imposing as students filed past to get their textbooks. “Grrrr, you evil students. Shhh, quit, this is a Library. Stop molesting the dictionary. What on earth are you doing to that book???” That’s right, I got paid to be a book bodyguard.

Thursday? Oh Thursday.

Two schools. One day.

School one.

Volunteers to read. How about you?

I don’t know how to read. (class laughs, until I give them THE LOOK)

Really. (Checking the class schedule) Is this not the honors class?

Yes but I can’t read. (class snickers)

That’s very sad. Maybe you should go to East office and let them know so they can put you in a different class.

Never mind

Are you sure? I wouldn’t want you to do anything you’re not ready for.

I can read it.

Oh well, you know what, let”s get someone else for now and I’ll let Mrs. — know you have trouble with reading.

Bitch, I hate you.

School Two:

Hi I’m-

Resource room upstairs end of the hall. And you’re late.

Sorry about that, I was coming from another school. I did call.

Mrs— is still there so maybe you can catch her before she leaves.

Great

Hi I’m-

Here are the lesson plans. watch out for K and I, have a great day. ( I think her high heels actually left skid marks as she raced for the exit.)

Students come in.

Hello. Mrs — isn’t here today. My name is Dogwoman and I’ll be helping you during her absence. Please get out your workbooks and I’ll come around and help-

Reading charts go flying as one student becomes upset. Next the book cart, three chairs and a math book that hits me in the back. Don’t worry, it was soft cover. When I called the office to have the student removed this was their reply

Oh, yeah, K,. The teachers next door can help. click.

Whaa..????? ( Now he’s screaming, flipping me off and using language reserved for Ice Road Truckers.)

Three teachers materialize and start talking to him like he’s a rabid dog they don’t want to get to close to. He hides in the media cabinet. Two other students begin fighting over who gets to use the computers first.

Eventually, three of the six students I started with have to be removed.

Later, they come back and it’s like nothing happened. Perfect gentlemen, every one of them. Gahhhh!

In my car on the way home I think about intense drug therapy and how it can be beneficial in these situations. No, not for the students, for me. I think a heroin script would really do the trick and I might mention it to my doctor next time I see her. Because, clearly, the vodka is not working.

Dogwoman

Pissing Contest Part Two

Hello.

America to Russia: Stop it!

Russia to America: No, you stop it.

America to Russia: Stop it or else!

Russia to America: No, you stop it or else!

America to Russia: We’re serious.

Russia to America: So are we. We have veto.

America to Russia: We have all your weapons. So, stop it.

Russia to America: No, you stop it….

And so goes the great international debates between countries who hate each other for no apparent reason outside of tradition.