Archive for the ‘Candidates’ Category

I Do Not Think That Word Means What You Think It Means

Hello.

Dear John McCain,

I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but you must stop using the ‘s’ word when referring to Barak Obama. The only people it’s having any impact with are those from your own party. Everyone else is laughing at you.

Are you aware that the most popular book right now was written by a man named Karl Marx? Seriously, that dry unyielding tome is flying off the shelves.

Also, being a self confessed man of the world, vastly experienced in foreign policy, you should be aware that France and Italy are both socialist countries. Italy is a mecca for social acceptance and France, aside from hating Americans on principle, has quite  a bit to recommend it.

I think you are using the word “Socialist” to mean another word that Americans fear. Communist. And the Red Scare died a few years back. So, are you attempting to call Obama a Communist without actually using the word? That’s just stupid and desperate.

In the current state of populist politics it might be best if you found another way to discredit your opponent. All you are accomplishing with your bogus ‘socialist ‘ rhetoric is jacking up Obama’s poll rankings. Which is probably not the outcome you were looking for.

I’ve got other words you might want to avoid but who has time to teach semantics to a man who hired a white trash Governor to be his running mate?

Dogwoman

Now I Know Why They Go Postal

Hello.

I’m exhausted. I’ve spent the entire weekend running away from people with clipboards. Some of them were wearing Obama shirts and some were wearing McCain shirts.  At one point I had a group of twelve year-olds literally chasing me around the laundromat. “Hey, Lady areyouregisteredtovote?”

Yes, Yes, dagnab it, I am  registered to vote. I am, I swear. I even have the card to prove it. Yes, I am a legal resident of the United States. If not, my parents have some ‘splainin’ to do.

And, No, Mr.College student who looks as though he could use a hot meal and a bath, I do not know who I am going to vote for.  That’s right, I am one of those pesky undecideds.

Now, quit showing up at my door, or following me to the grocery store, the gym, the laundromat and the Library.

I’ll tell you who I’m voting for, on November 8th.

Dogwoman

The Dog’s Advice

Hello.

Dear Dogwoman,

I am a woman in my mid forties with a busy family including the arrival of a new grandchild by my seventeen year old unmarried daughter. I am also currently running for the Vice-Presidential slot in the next election. My question is: How do I balance these responsibilities in the face of a media onslaught?

-just a barracuda

Dear Barracuda,

Being a working mom can be tough. With so many different jobs during the day one can become overwhelmed. My advice is to fly back to your home state as quickly as possible and not come out again until November 8th. This way the media has nothing to talk about and most voters will forget who you are. An air of mystery can be a good thing during a political campaign. As I always say, leave ’em guessing because confusion is always the best weapon.

Dogwoman

Dear Dogwoman,

I recently announced my Vice Presidential pick. It seemed like a good idea at the time, now however, I am having second thoughts. Apparently this chick has some unfinished business she forgot to mention during the vetting process, like a little legal problem called Trooper-Gate. Even though she is trying to avoid testifying I am afraid it will come back to bite both of us in the ass. How do I get her to dropout without looking bad?

-running on empty

Dear Running,

All of us make mistakes from time to time. It is best to try not to make them in the public eye. And definitely best not to get caught making them on YouTube.  With this in mind, once the mistake is made one must learn to live with it. I am afraid that if you bounce this person now you will look like an even bigger ass than you currently do. Best just to smile into the cameras and talk up your choice as much as possible. If you say something enough people will begin to believe it, even if it is an outright lie.

Dogwoman

Dearest Dog Woman,

We are a group of International Foreign Ministers. Recently, we had a meeting during which one of our esteemed members proposed that as a bit of fun we vote for the next U.S. President amongst ourselves.  We did, it was a laugh and things went forward. Now, unfortunately we are all being hounded, Diana-style, by the international media to reveal the winner. How do we get these vultures to back off?

_Ministers for Change

Dear Ministers,

Admit openly that your choice was Barack Obama, even if it wasn’t, and they will leave you alone.

Dogwoman

Dear Dogwoman,

I was recently fired from a news job. Well, fired is a bit extreme, more like downgraded. All because I let my opinions be known openly. And because the person they paired me with is a right wing blow hard with no morals to speak of. Seriously, this guy would sell his grandmother for air time. Is it my fault the Unites States government is full of crooked bastards with their collective grubby hands in the cookie jar? I think not. Anywho, now my employer is mad and refuses to let me finish commenting on the upcoming election. The question at large is this : How do I get back at these numb-skulls without losing my job completely?

-slave to the man

Dear Slave,

You have a serious problem. Normally I would blithely dispense advice but honestly. You should know better than to hold left leaning opinions in a world where Fox “my ticker tape is always misspelled and no one cares” News rules the roost. Right wingers, Republicans and your mother -in-law will now berate and scorn you for not being ‘neutral’ in a world where no one is neutral. The best advice I can come up with is, either continue soapboxing for the Liberals and hope Obama wins or rapaciously suck up to every Republican political figure you can. At this point neither action can do much harm. Good luck.

Dogwoman

How Rude-a Barracuda

Hello.

The GOP has received a cease and desist letter. No not from the American people, though I think that will come, in time. They received it from Heart.  You know Heart, the seventies girl band that kicked some serious musical ass back in the day ?

It seems those arrogant crafty McCain staffers were using Barracuda as their Palin introductory song. Which would have been fine had they gotten permission to do so first. They didn’t and band members are outraged, outraged I say, at the blatant misuse of their song.

I agree completely. Of course, why would Republicans want to refer to their own candidate as a ‘Barracuda” ? A barracuda is not a nice cuddly animal. Nor is it a nice thing to call a woman. Fantastic 80’s bar fights have been fought over the use of that tag. Also does anyone remember the actual lyrics?  Aside from a few moments of clarity, it’s really confusing, although fun to sing along to. I always get lost when the porpoise comes in at the second stanza.

Is the GOP trying to say that Palin is a vicious confusing animal? That doesn’t seem like the right message to be sending at this point in time. Although with all the gossip running about the Net, it might be more apt then the Republicans realize.

Anyway, they can’t use it any more. So I think we the people should help choose a new song for Palin. Post your choice in the comments. I’ll send them along to McCain’s website.

Dogwoman

Meet The New Boss, Same As The Old Boss

Hello.

I’ve been avoiding political themes, I know. The reason is simple. I’m tired of both of the candidates. Particularly Barack Obama.

I can’t get through the news when every other story is about something one of them may have said or done to the other. And all the while anything Cheney and Bush may be doing in the background is ignored.

Also, as a Michigan voter I can do nothing less than assume that Barak stole our delegates from Hilary. For perhaps the first time in history a candidate who was not on a state ballot had delegates voting in the National Convention. Regardless of what Howard Dean may be saying, it was Obama’s decision not to put his name on the ballot. The DNC should not have given him half of what he did not earn. And then to go ahead and seat the Delegates after promising they didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of doing so is nothing less than thievery.

I understand that the party needed to ‘show unity’  in order to stave off Republican attacks, but let’s face it, Hilary got hosed. For her to give such a fantastic speech during the convention when in fact she should have been berating Howard Dean shows a great deal of tact. And kudos to Bill as well.

Both of them went out and did what needed to be done despite the obvious failure of the DNC to run a fair campaign.

While I am pleased to see that for the first time in history we have nominated an African-American for the office of President.  I am disgruntled at the way in which it was achieved. It feels as though this race is being run by the Internet hacks and the beleaguered media rather than by the average voters. the average American is being told how to vote by a barrage of media and Internet ads and sites rather than being given a chance to weigh their options. It’s distasteful to me.

So if you find that my political coverage is light for the next few months it’s because I am revolted by both of the major party candidates. There is a great deal at stake in this race and to me neither candidate represents a ‘change’. As for unity , the pundits can go on as many talk shows as they like, the party is split and we all know it. They can gloss over Bidens’ abysmal record all they like, the only ones it fools are the younger voters.  When Democratic leaders are shaking their heads in sorrow one knows the wrong pick has been made.  When Hilary supporters are flooding the Internet with calls to back John McCain even as the Convention is preaching a watery ‘unity” theme there is a problem.

And it’s a problem that won’t disappear just because the DNC wants it to. It needs to be addressed. But, we all know it won’t.

Dogwoman

And The V.P Is….

Hello.

Joseph Biden? Really.

Ya know I only get sixty minutes per post. To go on about Obama’s running mate would take at least three post times.

I’m wondering who thought Joe ” I make more verbal mistakes than G.W. has in a lifetime” Biden was a good idea? I guess it’s hard to remember that most of America is old and not afflicted with Alzheimer’s. Already the plagiarism jokes and snickering have started and it’s only been a few hours. And this from the Democrats. *Sigh*

Good luck with that, O-man. You’re not getting any points for good decision making these days are you?

Dogwoman

Somebody Call The Waaahhbulance

Hello.

I have to hand it to Obama, he is a man who knows how to use the Internet. In fact, I would say that the majority of actual campaigning has gone on in the virtual world.

He now has a website  completely separate from his other websites. This site exists solely to kill off damning rumors made by the opposition and other people who may not be fond. Including those rumors about his wife and whether or not she may have at one time or another said the word ‘whitey’. That little gem, if I remember correctly, was started by Rush “eh? speak up I ruined my hearing with opiates ” Limbaugh. A man who has probably used the n word in mixed company more than once.

However, it seems like whining to me to have an entire page of rebuttals of ridiculous rumors set forth by men with no conscience. It is better to ignore such foolishness. The Republicans have a great machine that spews out lies like Angelina Jolie collects children. And like Jolies’ rush toward overpopulating the earth, no one is paying any attention except those who have nothing better to do.

I long for the old days when candidates didn’t respond to every single bullshit rumor set forth by the mobster mentality of the other party. Now such responses are the norm and it is boring. And distracting. It distracts from the real issues. Issues the American People would like to see addressed in the here and now.

So my advice to the Obama campaign is simple:

Quit yer bitchin’ and get on with it already. Say something of importance to the American People  or shut up.

Dogwoman