Archive for the ‘Election’ Category

WELCOME TO THE PRESIDENTIAL DEATHMATCH

Hello and Good Evening,

A few words before we begin…

Because of limitations on my blog, as well as the excruciatingly slow nature of my computer, a few things must be clarified.

I will not be able to read comments as I blog. That should not stop anyone from making comments. During commercials I will check the comments and then comment on the comments as commentating warrants. Or whenever I have nothing to else say.

“Live” blogging will take the form of continuous posts. After the first post (i.e. this one) there won’t be anymore titles.

I will be blogging while watching NBC. Not Fox. I suspect Fox might be biased. In much the same way I suspect Liberace might have been gay.

As always, correct spelling will be optional.

This is fun. So have fun. Make fun. Especially of the candidate you don’t like. While I am a “liberal” blogger, I am also an equal opportunity satirist. All’s fair in love and politics, so have at it.

However, if you flame unreasonably I will block you. You have been warned.

And now ….. THE PRESIDENTIAL SMACKDOWN

In the Left corner we havehappyoimages

Barak Obama, a Senator from Ohio. The media frenzy over this guy has been substantial. Tonight we will see if he can live up to his press. Sure, he looks happy now, but will it last?

In the Right corner we have

happymmages1

John McCain, an old white guy from somewhere. A man whose temper and bad judgment are legendary. Let’s see if he can keep them both in check tonight. ( Is it just me or does this guy look like he’s suffering some sort of hemorrhoid attack whenever he smiles?)

By the end of the night could we be seeing this?

Or this?madmimages1

The current time is 8 pm eastern standard time, polls all over the country are now closing.

Here’s a mapstatepollclosingtimes_3

A word about the polls. Michigan is listed on this map as closing at 9pm. In reality we close at 8pm. The reason they list it as 9 is because of Iron Mountain, which has to be different and be an hour behind the rest of us. Geez.

When I voted today I had a two hour wait. This is the longest I have ever had to wait to vote. During the Primaries the wait was: ‘echo, echo, echo, anybody here???’ The Election Judges reported at that time(7pm) that a total of eighteen people had arrived to vote in th Primaries.

A word about Election Judges. They are nice people who are giving up their time to eat pastries and make sure your vote counts. Thank Them. But don’t give them gifts as that may constitute a bribe and you could end up on the Homeland Security List. In which case you wouldn’t be able to fly to Europe to live when your candidate loses. So keep it clean, people.

And we’re off…

Monkeys, Republican Yapping and A Program Announcement

Hello.

Late posting today. See, normally I would be working. I took a job and the automated system called me back half an hour later to cancel. So I took another job as a late start. The system called me back ten minutes later to cancel. Now, either I am the most hated sub or the company I am currently working for is run by angry monkeys. Confused,angry, monkeys.

I was reading Neil Gaiman’s blog today and he wrote about overhearing some Republicans yapping away in a Hotel lobby. He seemed confused by their airing personal details about public figures where strangers could hear them, raising some question of private versus public privacy. See, these people do not know that there is a difference, so his confusion is legitimate. Normal people understand that the entire world couldn’t, up to a certain point ,care less about their opinions. What makes wealthy Americans, especially wealthy Republican Americans, so insufferable is their belief that everyone cares what they think. Or that no one would dare repeat anything they over heard, such is their elevated status in the world. It’s quite annoying. If it had been me, I would have live blogged every word that came out of their overfed arrogant mouths and posted it, poste haste. However, Neil Gaiman is a far kinder and more level headed person than I.

And I wanted to mention that I will be live blogging the election starting at 6:00 pm, next Tuesday. It will be in the form of a Presidential Smackdown Death Match. We might even see a little V.P. action before the night is out.

Cheers

Dogwoman

I Do Not Think That Word Means What You Think It Means

Hello.

Dear John McCain,

I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but you must stop using the ‘s’ word when referring to Barak Obama. The only people it’s having any impact with are those from your own party. Everyone else is laughing at you.

Are you aware that the most popular book right now was written by a man named Karl Marx? Seriously, that dry unyielding tome is flying off the shelves.

Also, being a self confessed man of the world, vastly experienced in foreign policy, you should be aware that France and Italy are both socialist countries. Italy is a mecca for social acceptance and France, aside from hating Americans on principle, has quite  a bit to recommend it.

I think you are using the word “Socialist” to mean another word that Americans fear. Communist. And the Red Scare died a few years back. So, are you attempting to call Obama a Communist without actually using the word? That’s just stupid and desperate.

In the current state of populist politics it might be best if you found another way to discredit your opponent. All you are accomplishing with your bogus ‘socialist ‘ rhetoric is jacking up Obama’s poll rankings. Which is probably not the outcome you were looking for.

I’ve got other words you might want to avoid but who has time to teach semantics to a man who hired a white trash Governor to be his running mate?

Dogwoman

The King (or Queen) of Smears

Hello.

I know you’ve been waiting with bated ( not”baited” CNN reporter person, as in “abated” or withheld. When are they going to offer me your job because even with my crap spelling I can get most of the grammar right. Maybe you should be working for Fox News) breath for this announcement.

I know who I’m going to vote for. I decided last night while watching the political ads on T.V. I will vote for every candidate, regardless of party affiliation, who effectively and completely smears or degrades their opponent.

This is my reasoning.

First, if one is willing to expose every dirty little secret of an opponent in order to win a job in which one will undoubtedly be hated by a majority of the people in a state or throughout the country, you have the kind of balls we need right now.

Secondly, if one is the kind of person who can take innocent friendships and turn them into sinister affiliations that stop just short of canoodling with the Devil himself, well that takes a great deal of creativity, which we also need. Any President can clandestinely re-write the Constitution. It takes real commitment to creatively change someone’s background right out where people can see it.

Lastly, if  one is willing to lay all the blame on the shoulders of another person and repeatedly call them a liar until people believe it without question, then one has the kind of superficial charm we the people have been searching for. And if one can do it with out mixing metaphors or making verbal gaffes that cause the world wide web to post them to YouTube on the comedy channel, you are our man or woman.

So there you are: Balls, creativity and just enough charm to make it all go down easier. These are the characteristics our government has been lacking for eight years. And I am willing to help make sure they again rise to the top of the dung heap we call American Government.

Join me won’t you, in ensuring that every smarmy, soulless bastard with a seven figure income and no idea how public transportation works leads our Country back to the glory days.

Amen.

Dogwoman

Now I Know Why They Go Postal

Hello.

I’m exhausted. I’ve spent the entire weekend running away from people with clipboards. Some of them were wearing Obama shirts and some were wearing McCain shirts.  At one point I had a group of twelve year-olds literally chasing me around the laundromat. “Hey, Lady areyouregisteredtovote?”

Yes, Yes, dagnab it, I am  registered to vote. I am, I swear. I even have the card to prove it. Yes, I am a legal resident of the United States. If not, my parents have some ‘splainin’ to do.

And, No, Mr.College student who looks as though he could use a hot meal and a bath, I do not know who I am going to vote for.  That’s right, I am one of those pesky undecideds.

Now, quit showing up at my door, or following me to the grocery store, the gym, the laundromat and the Library.

I’ll tell you who I’m voting for, on November 8th.

Dogwoman

The Dog’s Advice

Hello.

Dear Dogwoman,

I am a woman in my mid forties with a busy family including the arrival of a new grandchild by my seventeen year old unmarried daughter. I am also currently running for the Vice-Presidential slot in the next election. My question is: How do I balance these responsibilities in the face of a media onslaught?

-just a barracuda

Dear Barracuda,

Being a working mom can be tough. With so many different jobs during the day one can become overwhelmed. My advice is to fly back to your home state as quickly as possible and not come out again until November 8th. This way the media has nothing to talk about and most voters will forget who you are. An air of mystery can be a good thing during a political campaign. As I always say, leave ’em guessing because confusion is always the best weapon.

Dogwoman

Dear Dogwoman,

I recently announced my Vice Presidential pick. It seemed like a good idea at the time, now however, I am having second thoughts. Apparently this chick has some unfinished business she forgot to mention during the vetting process, like a little legal problem called Trooper-Gate. Even though she is trying to avoid testifying I am afraid it will come back to bite both of us in the ass. How do I get her to dropout without looking bad?

-running on empty

Dear Running,

All of us make mistakes from time to time. It is best to try not to make them in the public eye. And definitely best not to get caught making them on YouTube.  With this in mind, once the mistake is made one must learn to live with it. I am afraid that if you bounce this person now you will look like an even bigger ass than you currently do. Best just to smile into the cameras and talk up your choice as much as possible. If you say something enough people will begin to believe it, even if it is an outright lie.

Dogwoman

Dearest Dog Woman,

We are a group of International Foreign Ministers. Recently, we had a meeting during which one of our esteemed members proposed that as a bit of fun we vote for the next U.S. President amongst ourselves.  We did, it was a laugh and things went forward. Now, unfortunately we are all being hounded, Diana-style, by the international media to reveal the winner. How do we get these vultures to back off?

_Ministers for Change

Dear Ministers,

Admit openly that your choice was Barack Obama, even if it wasn’t, and they will leave you alone.

Dogwoman

Dear Dogwoman,

I was recently fired from a news job. Well, fired is a bit extreme, more like downgraded. All because I let my opinions be known openly. And because the person they paired me with is a right wing blow hard with no morals to speak of. Seriously, this guy would sell his grandmother for air time. Is it my fault the Unites States government is full of crooked bastards with their collective grubby hands in the cookie jar? I think not. Anywho, now my employer is mad and refuses to let me finish commenting on the upcoming election. The question at large is this : How do I get back at these numb-skulls without losing my job completely?

-slave to the man

Dear Slave,

You have a serious problem. Normally I would blithely dispense advice but honestly. You should know better than to hold left leaning opinions in a world where Fox “my ticker tape is always misspelled and no one cares” News rules the roost. Right wingers, Republicans and your mother -in-law will now berate and scorn you for not being ‘neutral’ in a world where no one is neutral. The best advice I can come up with is, either continue soapboxing for the Liberals and hope Obama wins or rapaciously suck up to every Republican political figure you can. At this point neither action can do much harm. Good luck.

Dogwoman

How Rude-a Barracuda

Hello.

The GOP has received a cease and desist letter. No not from the American people, though I think that will come, in time. They received it from Heart.  You know Heart, the seventies girl band that kicked some serious musical ass back in the day ?

It seems those arrogant crafty McCain staffers were using Barracuda as their Palin introductory song. Which would have been fine had they gotten permission to do so first. They didn’t and band members are outraged, outraged I say, at the blatant misuse of their song.

I agree completely. Of course, why would Republicans want to refer to their own candidate as a ‘Barracuda” ? A barracuda is not a nice cuddly animal. Nor is it a nice thing to call a woman. Fantastic 80’s bar fights have been fought over the use of that tag. Also does anyone remember the actual lyrics?  Aside from a few moments of clarity, it’s really confusing, although fun to sing along to. I always get lost when the porpoise comes in at the second stanza.

Is the GOP trying to say that Palin is a vicious confusing animal? That doesn’t seem like the right message to be sending at this point in time. Although with all the gossip running about the Net, it might be more apt then the Republicans realize.

Anyway, they can’t use it any more. So I think we the people should help choose a new song for Palin. Post your choice in the comments. I’ll send them along to McCain’s website.

Dogwoman