Archive for the ‘Entertainment’ Category

Monkeys, Republican Yapping and A Program Announcement

Hello.

Late posting today. See, normally I would be working. I took a job and the automated system called me back half an hour later to cancel. So I took another job as a late start. The system called me back ten minutes later to cancel. Now, either I am the most hated sub or the company I am currently working for is run by angry monkeys. Confused,angry, monkeys.

I was reading Neil Gaiman’s blog today and he wrote about overhearing some Republicans yapping away in a Hotel lobby. He seemed confused by their airing personal details about public figures where strangers could hear them, raising some question of private versus public privacy. See, these people do not know that there is a difference, so his confusion is legitimate. Normal people understand that the entire world couldn’t, up to a certain point ,care less about their opinions. What makes wealthy Americans, especially wealthy Republican Americans, so insufferable is their belief that everyone cares what they think. Or that no one would dare repeat anything they over heard, such is their elevated status in the world. It’s quite annoying. If it had been me, I would have live blogged every word that came out of their overfed arrogant mouths and posted it, poste haste. However, Neil Gaiman is a far kinder and more level headed person than I.

And I wanted to mention that I will be live blogging the election starting at 6:00 pm, next Tuesday. It will be in the form of a Presidential Smackdown Death Match. We might even see a little V.P. action before the night is out.

Cheers

Dogwoman

CelebriBible

hello.

One might think that such things as a world wide, excruciatingly slow, collapse of financial markets, abnormally violent weather and Sarah Palin appearing on Saturday Night Live might be a sign that the end is near, but, no.

The true sign of the times is a book. A giant glossy book with pictures of Bono, Angelina Jolie and Nelson Mandela. No, it’s not a book of past Vanity Fair articles. It’s the Bible.

That’s right, some enterprising Swede has come up with a Bible that catches the eye. For all of those who think there are just too many words and not enough shallow glitz in their scripture, this Books’ for you.

Now, honestly. Isn’t this a bit like the Devil printing his own version? I can see how it might bring comfort to those who wander about their McMansions feeling lost. How inspiring to look down and see a bible that has pictures of your friends splashed throughout it. Ahh, warms the cockles of a shriveled greedy heart, so it does.

But then there is the rest of us, you nutters. Also, it could just be me but isn’t putting pictures of wealthy capitalists in the bible a bit sacrilegious? I was taught that greed of any kind was against the teachings. I took that to mean greed not only for money but also attention, among other things. Is the world not plastic enough? Does there really need to be a celebribible?

And what’s with the implied eyebrow piercing? What is that supposed to symbolize exactly?

The author grandly points out that all of the books are layed out like magazine articles.

Great, what’s next an interactive Bible with Fox News headlines scrolling across the bottom?

Some people have waaayyyyyy too much time on their hands. And should probably put down the crack pipe.

Dogwoman

Can You Help A Sister Out?

Hello.

Sooooo, one of my favorite bloggers has posted letting the world know he will stop blogging. That sucks. Twenty Major, after posting daily for almost four years, is no longer a blogger of award winning proportions. Actually, I always thought he was taking some super potion because to blog everyday is nearly impossible for me. But alas, now I will never ferret out his secret.

Also, this means that I am in the market for a new favorite blogger. So, if you have one, please leave the link so I can check it out. I find I am overwhelmed right now and can’t spend my usual three hours a day trolling blogs for new writers. I appeal to you, oh readers, to leave blogs you especially enjoy so I can see what’s out there.

Feel free not to leave links to MySpace poets, but everything else is fair game. I’m not picky, right wing ,left wing, chicken wing, all good.

Dogwoman

Rock and Roll Hall Of Shame

Hello.

If you had to choose between a group of musicians the thinking world considers brilliant and a band known mostly for their fabulous hair, which would you choose?

Well, you’re wrong. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is getting set to announce their inductees and would you believe BON JOVI is the critics pick? I don’t know whether to weep or send angry invective laden e-mails. I thought they could sink no lower when Madonna made the list but, holy roaming cows.

And Bon Jovi is getting the nod over a band like Rush. Rush. One of the most eclectic and inventive bands in history. One of the first bands to begin using technology in their music. That’s right it wasn’t U(f’n)2. It was pioneers like Rush and Yes that started that craze.

On this list of  possible inductees are bands like the Smiths and the Cure who were never considered rock bands. Also Donna Summer and Chic two groups that are strictly Disco. Run DMC and the Beastie Boys are  on the list as well.

And what a dismal list. Is this really the best they can do? Have we run out of great musicians to induct and are now scraping the bottom of the musical barrel?

Did I mention that Metallica is on the list? They have been around forever, are still making great music and their albums always go to the top of the charts as soon as they are released. Even those who don’t generally listen to Heavy Metal can hum Enter Sandman. And they are being ignored for Bon Jovi? A group that is barely one step ahead of Milli Vanilli. Why don’t they just induct Ratt and Vanilla Ice and end the whole pretense?

If you’d like to put in your two cents worth, go here to vote for the band of your choice.

And it better not be Bon Freakin’ Jovi. Seriously. I have your IP and I can find you.

Dogwoman

No Panties! No Panties!

Hello.

Let’s get straight to it.

If a bartender offered you free drinks to take off your panties and hang them above the bar would you? Would you flash the patrons for a glass of champagne? You would? Well, have I got  bar for you.

Yeah, you’d have to go to Australia, but it could be worth it.

People are upset. Think of the children, they cry. What are children doing in a bar? It’s a bar. It’s supposed to set a bad example. That’s the whole point of drinking establishments. And I say if a woman wants to wander about the place with her bottom half uncovered, silkies swinging above the bartender,  Go to it, sister. As for the flashing, have these people never been to Mardi Gras ? That place is flash central and proud of it. What about Carnival? Nude beaches?

Oi, sometimes a person just wants to break out the mold, unrut their rutted life, do something a little off the beaten track. If that something involves a few hours of half naked drinking, so be it. Is it irresponsible, foolish, and darned childish ? Yes, yes, it is and that’s the point.

So off with the knickers and on with the drinking.

Wha? Me? Oh, no. No, couldn’t possibly. The sheer size of my delicates would weigh down the pantie line, smothering the bartender and what fun would that be?

Dogwoman

The Dog’s Advice

Hello.

Dear Dogwoman,

I am a woman in my mid forties with a busy family including the arrival of a new grandchild by my seventeen year old unmarried daughter. I am also currently running for the Vice-Presidential slot in the next election. My question is: How do I balance these responsibilities in the face of a media onslaught?

-just a barracuda

Dear Barracuda,

Being a working mom can be tough. With so many different jobs during the day one can become overwhelmed. My advice is to fly back to your home state as quickly as possible and not come out again until November 8th. This way the media has nothing to talk about and most voters will forget who you are. An air of mystery can be a good thing during a political campaign. As I always say, leave ’em guessing because confusion is always the best weapon.

Dogwoman

Dear Dogwoman,

I recently announced my Vice Presidential pick. It seemed like a good idea at the time, now however, I am having second thoughts. Apparently this chick has some unfinished business she forgot to mention during the vetting process, like a little legal problem called Trooper-Gate. Even though she is trying to avoid testifying I am afraid it will come back to bite both of us in the ass. How do I get her to dropout without looking bad?

-running on empty

Dear Running,

All of us make mistakes from time to time. It is best to try not to make them in the public eye. And definitely best not to get caught making them on YouTube.  With this in mind, once the mistake is made one must learn to live with it. I am afraid that if you bounce this person now you will look like an even bigger ass than you currently do. Best just to smile into the cameras and talk up your choice as much as possible. If you say something enough people will begin to believe it, even if it is an outright lie.

Dogwoman

Dearest Dog Woman,

We are a group of International Foreign Ministers. Recently, we had a meeting during which one of our esteemed members proposed that as a bit of fun we vote for the next U.S. President amongst ourselves.  We did, it was a laugh and things went forward. Now, unfortunately we are all being hounded, Diana-style, by the international media to reveal the winner. How do we get these vultures to back off?

_Ministers for Change

Dear Ministers,

Admit openly that your choice was Barack Obama, even if it wasn’t, and they will leave you alone.

Dogwoman

Dear Dogwoman,

I was recently fired from a news job. Well, fired is a bit extreme, more like downgraded. All because I let my opinions be known openly. And because the person they paired me with is a right wing blow hard with no morals to speak of. Seriously, this guy would sell his grandmother for air time. Is it my fault the Unites States government is full of crooked bastards with their collective grubby hands in the cookie jar? I think not. Anywho, now my employer is mad and refuses to let me finish commenting on the upcoming election. The question at large is this : How do I get back at these numb-skulls without losing my job completely?

-slave to the man

Dear Slave,

You have a serious problem. Normally I would blithely dispense advice but honestly. You should know better than to hold left leaning opinions in a world where Fox “my ticker tape is always misspelled and no one cares” News rules the roost. Right wingers, Republicans and your mother -in-law will now berate and scorn you for not being ‘neutral’ in a world where no one is neutral. The best advice I can come up with is, either continue soapboxing for the Liberals and hope Obama wins or rapaciously suck up to every Republican political figure you can. At this point neither action can do much harm. Good luck.

Dogwoman

The Mouse Wants Better Cheese and New Nesting Material

Hello.

Soooooo, with Russia violating international law in just the way G.W. taught them to, something monumental is going on right here at home.

NO, not giant groups of Phelps phans running amok causing riots and burning cars. Swimming fanatics are just not that motivated.

I refer of course to the great Disney Protest. That’s right mouseketeers, your busboys and hotel workers are wearing costumes and blocking entrances.

Why? you ask Why why has this horror been rained down upon the American Dream? Have we not suffered enough?

Because Disney wants to begin treating them just like every other underpaid worker on the planet. The main issue seems to center around the slashing of their free health care. I repeat, busboys, cleaning women and other hotel workers are receiving free health care. Yeah that’s what I thought too.

I work teaching and corralling the potential of tomorrow and I don’t have health care at all. Let alone free.

Amid the whining, the Union said that they didn’t want to send out the actual character workers to protest. So they sent the hotel workers dressed in costumes instead.

Nothing like getting it from both sides. What I can’t believe is that these idiots went for it. This might explain why talks keep breaking down.

The ‘House’ll keep you posted as this breaking story develops.

Who am I kidding? No I won’t.

Dogwoman