Archive for the ‘Ewwwww’ Category

CelebriBible

hello.

One might think that such things as a world wide, excruciatingly slow, collapse of financial markets, abnormally violent weather and Sarah Palin appearing on Saturday Night Live might be a sign that the end is near, but, no.

The true sign of the times is a book. A giant glossy book with pictures of Bono, Angelina Jolie and Nelson Mandela. No, it’s not a book of past Vanity Fair articles. It’s the Bible.

That’s right, some enterprising Swede has come up with a Bible that catches the eye. For all of those who think there are just too many words and not enough shallow glitz in their scripture, this Books’ for you.

Now, honestly. Isn’t this a bit like the Devil printing his own version? I can see how it might bring comfort to those who wander about their McMansions feeling lost. How inspiring to look down and see a bible that has pictures of your friends splashed throughout it. Ahh, warms the cockles of a shriveled greedy heart, so it does.

But then there is the rest of us, you nutters. Also, it could just be me but isn’t putting pictures of wealthy capitalists in the bible a bit sacrilegious? I was taught that greed of any kind was against the teachings. I took that to mean greed not only for money but also attention, among other things. Is the world not plastic enough? Does there really need to be a celebribible?

And what’s with the implied eyebrow piercing? What is that supposed to symbolize exactly?

The author grandly points out that all of the books are layed out like magazine articles.

Great, what’s next an interactive Bible with Fox News headlines scrolling across the bottom?

Some people have waaayyyyyy too much time on their hands. And should probably put down the crack pipe.

Dogwoman

Underdog

Hello

Poo is not the only thing that gets picked up in New York. According to this article a dog was sucked in to a street cleaner and the only thing the Sanitation Department would say is that people need to watch their dogs more closely.

The owner was watching; as the machine swept up his pet into it’s bristles.

Note to Self : No dog walking in New York until the sun is up and the streets are empty.

Dogwoman

Oh Holy Java!

Hello.

Anyone else out there ever find a hair not belonging to you or any of your household floating in your coffee?

I just did and while I am all for global expansion, I do not include body hair in my list of things I’d like to see globally expanded.

I have to go throw out my fair trade coffee and buy a new machine.

Oh, and vomit.

Dogwoman

American Intervention

Hello.

They have found prescription drugs in our drinking water. All kinds of drugs. Things like anti-convulsants, heart meds, cholesterol meds, mood stabilizers (that’s Xanax to you and I) and pain killers (yea Oxycontin!).

According to Deep Throat sources, we take the drugs, we pee, we flush and away it goes. Our heavily medicated urine ends up in a waste treatment plant where all that stuff is supposed to be removed. Guess not.

Of course they have no idea what kind of effect this has on the general population.

Here’s what I think. It certainly explains a lot. All of those high level execs who have been abusing Oxycontin have ruined it for the rest of us.Their slurring piss has caused us all to become a little foggy and extremely apathetic, a condition known as Oxy Apathy. So now we’re all addicted, whether we know it or not, to Oxy. That’s why we really drink so much water. And why our president keeps making crap decisions.

We’re high.

We need a Global Intervention.

All of the other countries can get together in a badly furnished room and talk about how great we used to be before the water. They can decided not to give us any more attention, love or bank credit. Then they will trick us into meeting with all of them. Canada can be the Mom and Great Britain can be the Dad. Switzerland can be the Interventionist because, frankly, they are the most rational country in the world. Russia can be the pissed off cousin who just sits there looking sulky and acting like a club bouncer trying not to cry. Each country can read us a letter about how they miss the old America, how much they love us and just want us to get help. We will sit there defiant, clutching our water bottle, sobbing and denying that we have a problem. Our hair will be completely messed up and we’ll look like we haven’t slept in days. Eventually we will cave and agree to go to a treatment center. They will send us to California to dry out but we won’t stay the full ninety days. Soon we will be living on the streets trying to get enough water to keep up our habit.

So sad.

It’s best not to think about this as you make tea or coffee. How you you’re not just drinking tea or coffee but also some shmo’s recycled Dilantin or Rush Limbaugh’s gently used Oxy.

Hmmm, cheer or vomit, you decide.

Dogwoman

I Took What ? Ironic Monday Rides Again

Hello.

A news report has outed several hip hop artists as users of steroids and growth hormones. Mary J. Blige, Wyclef Jean, 50 Cent….

Uh. Apparently they are using them for the anti aging properties. Too bad they are not working. This kind of lunacy I do not understand. Growth hormones are unregulated. The drugs are supposed to be for people suffering from rare disorders related to the pituitary gland. Not for the vanity of overpaid self indulgent performers. However, if a male performer wants to sing soprano and a female wants a little more alto, hey, what can you do.

Of course with growth hormones, nifty diseases like diabetes can suddenly develop along with exacerbation of any existing conditions such as cancer. So really, its a population control device.

You know, I can’t even think of a suitable stinging angry giantess analogy here that would poke fun at these people. It’s just sad. How childish and fearful of a perfectly natural cycle do you have to be to allow some quack to swan into to you ostentatious abode and inject you with an unregulated substance just to look younger than you are ?

And regardless of how the press is presenting it I don’t think it’s just the Hip Hop/R&B artists. I’m willing to bet it’s anyone in the entertainment business with too much money and a few years under their belt.

So for Ironic Monday here’s your thought:

Are these are the same people who won’t eat American beef because of the growth hormones being given to livestock? They’d rather pay some high priced drug dealer to inject it directly than wait to get it in their porterhouse.

Honestly.

Dogwoman

Hold The Phone: Breaking News

Hello.

Here’s a version of The Post That WordPress Ate.  I hope it found my words magically delicious.

In a startling turn of events something so momentous has occurred that I must, in the interests of all who follow such things closely, note it here. Joining the ranks of high profile journalists everywhere, Naomi Campbell is taking her turn at GQ. Her very first interview is with none other than that denizen of public works and self proclaimed martyr, Chavez. Always asking the hard hitting questions, she came at him with all manicured claws bared by asking the important questions: Does he ever go topless and who does he think is the best dressed dictator ?

It’s good to know that she’s not just phoning it in. That her experience as a day laborer has helped her hone her perceptions to a knife’s edge. Naomi is taking it to the streets and aren’t we glad we didn’t miss out.

Certainly this is more important than say, the media hordes attacking Hilary Clinton like a group of bloodied hens. A spurious pecking party predicting the demise of the only female candidate is much less important than whether or not Chavez thinks Bush is nuts. He is, but that’s not the point. The point is, Ms. Campbell got Chavez to say it in a national magazine. Whoa Nelly. Isn’t she a spitfire? Of course, Chavez has been calling Bush a lot of things for the past few years, some of them unprintable.

So everyone rush out and buy a GQ. One wouldn’t want to miss out on the most important topic around the water cooler. And nothing gets our attention faster than a rambling interview between an emotionally truncated brat and a schizophrenic with unlimited power. Good times, those.

A bit of advice for future interviewees of Ms. Naomi: Practice ducking just in case you say something she doesn’t like.

Dogwoman

You Can’t Do That On YouTube

Hello.

There’s a video going around the net. I’m guessing you’ve heard about it. The title is 2 Girls 1Cup. It’s possible the most disgusting thing ever put on film. I imagine the camera was cringing and trying to get away when they forced the poor thing to film it. I managed to make it through a whopping 15 seconds before the upchuck factor set in.

Why blog about it? Not for the video itself, but for the reaction videos. Some enterprising young college student has filmed his unsuspecting friends watching it. It starts out like any respectable porn film then goes horribly, horribly awry. And that’s where the funny sets in. You’d think watching people watch a video would be boring but no, my friends, it’s hysterical. Watching world wise and intelligent young men and women run for the bathroom is a time waster worth it’s salt.

This one is my favorite. The faces the main watcher makes are priceless. And while most of the friends don’t watch even a full minute this one makes it for a full minute and twenty five. Kudos. But the best part comes at the end when another friend accidentally shows up to catch the least appealing parts. While holding what could possibly be his lunch.

If you’ve got a little time to kill and like to laugh at the discomfort of others, dial up the YouTube and type in “2girls1cup reaction”. It’s better than a night of drunken cow tipping.

Dogwoman