Archive for the ‘Hell’ Category

Hold The Phone: Breaking News

Hello.

Here’s a version of The Post That WordPress Ate.  I hope it found my words magically delicious.

In a startling turn of events something so momentous has occurred that I must, in the interests of all who follow such things closely, note it here. Joining the ranks of high profile journalists everywhere, Naomi Campbell is taking her turn at GQ. Her very first interview is with none other than that denizen of public works and self proclaimed martyr, Chavez. Always asking the hard hitting questions, she came at him with all manicured claws bared by asking the important questions: Does he ever go topless and who does he think is the best dressed dictator ?

It’s good to know that she’s not just phoning it in. That her experience as a day laborer has helped her hone her perceptions to a knife’s edge. Naomi is taking it to the streets and aren’t we glad we didn’t miss out.

Certainly this is more important than say, the media hordes attacking Hilary Clinton like a group of bloodied hens. A spurious pecking party predicting the demise of the only female candidate is much less important than whether or not Chavez thinks Bush is nuts. He is, but that’s not the point. The point is, Ms. Campbell got Chavez to say it in a national magazine. Whoa Nelly. Isn’t she a spitfire? Of course, Chavez has been calling Bush a lot of things for the past few years, some of them unprintable.

So everyone rush out and buy a GQ. One wouldn’t want to miss out on the most important topic around the water cooler. And nothing gets our attention faster than a rambling interview between an emotionally truncated brat and a schizophrenic with unlimited power. Good times, those.

A bit of advice for future interviewees of Ms. Naomi: Practice ducking just in case you say something she doesn’t like.

Dogwoman

Carl Levin Is A Turncoat

Hello.

I am ashamed of the Michigan Senator and would like to issue a blanket apology to all Americans for him. Carl Levin broke ranks and voted with Republicans to fund the war in Iraq without a timetable for withdrawal.

Aside from the horror of watching my state fall further and further behind in just about every category, now I have to apologize to everyone for living in one of the states that just handed King Bush another blank check to do as he pleases.

These constant freebies that the Senate hands out to a man who has no concept of what being the Head of State really means is not only hard to watch, but excruciating when we are forced to participate by the traitorous actions of our elected Senators.There is no explanation available that could possibly excuse Levin’s defection. First chance given I will vote to oust him as he has clearly lost the vision and hardheaded determination he has shown in the past.

Levin should be deeply ashamed of himself.

Nevermind, we’ll be ashamed for him. That’s how it works. Senators can do as they please but it’s the people who bear the burden of responsibility. We’re the ones who pay for their actions.

And right now it’s the soldiers who are going to pay for it by continuation of the War in Iraq.

I cannot fully express in words how much sorrow and embarrassment Senator Carl Levin has caused with his recent vote. Let’s just imagine a rude hand gesture and leave it at that.

Dogwoman

LALALALA, I Can’t Hear You…

Hello.

In a push yet again to end the American occupation of Iraq, the Senate has drafted a timetable of withdrawal and attached it to a spending bill.

“In exchange for short-term funding, Democrats would require the president to begin withdrawing U.S. troops within 30 days of enactment. They set only a goal of pulling most combat forces out by December 15th, 2008.”

This seems reasonable as most of the citizens of this country want us to withdraw immediately. But what do White House staffers have to say? Well, let’s listen in as Diane Perino has her say:

“But this brought a renewed veto threat from the White House, where press secretary Dana Perino briefed reporters. “Once again they plan to send the president a bill that they know he will veto. This is for political posturing and to appease radical groups,” she said.”

Political posturing and appeasing the radical groups. I like that. It sort of takes your breath away when you consider how hard she had to work to come up with that. Because America is in fact a hotbed of radical groups. Groups like: Everyone but the Republicans. Well, even some of them are starting to turn against their own party. Except the ones who are being outed on a daily basis. Those ‘Pubs have to say whatever they are told in order to keep their jobs.

The GOP has raped our country into a quivering mass of uselessness. They took a tragedy and turned it into a tagline. They have pilloried anyone who disagrees and thrown in jail anyone who looks slantwise at the Administration. The have loosened regulatory services to the point where toys are not safe for our children to play with, our meat is not safe to eat, and gas is due to hit 4.00 a gallon by next summer. They have purposed endless tax cuts for the wealthy but forced states into poverty by slashing domestic services and foisting them off on private institutions like uh,churches. They have taken Education and reduced it to a test and hounded critical thinking into the dark corner of ignorance. They lie to their own citizens about everything from war to wiretapping.

But we who want our troops to come home and the war to end are the radicals. Us. In our own country. The country and citizens the GOP is supposed to be helping and protecting. Not raping and pillaging.

I have only one response for you Diane, baby: In the Immortal words of the Gingerbread Man,

“EAT ME.”

Dogwoman

The Children’s Crusade

Hello.

I wasn’t going to post today. Nothing had really tripped my trigger and I was just going to let sleeping blogs lie.

Then the mail came.

Remember how I mentioned that my daughter’s Glamour keeps coming to the ‘House? We got another one today. It’s got Mariah Carey on the front wearing what can only be described as a liquid disco ball with hair by Farrah Faucet. I snorted and threw it upside down on the coffee table.

And saw the greatest advertising travesty I have ever seen. I am still speechless.

On the back cover is an advertisement for the world’s finest profiteering scheme. Yes, the Red Program . Only this time there is an 11 year old wearing one of those ridiculous sweatshop shirts. And so is her Curious George.

Ah! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!(repeat this for about five minutes to get the full effect)

If an adult wants to advertise for these money grabbing bastards that’s their business. But children? Babies?

No. No .No. No.No.

My eleven year old is only interested in dancing, band, and how to build new structures out of her bedroom furniture. And I have yet to meet a baby who is socially conscious. Mostly babies spend time trying to remove their socks. Now I am sure there are eleven year olds who care about the planet and others blah, blah, blah, so don’t send me e-mails.

At these ages clothing is still bought by the parents and if you are dressing your children in these kinds of clothing, you should have your head examined. It’s a Giant Lie. A Scam. A ‘business model’. It’s about the business of making money. Bono and Bobby can bang on from now until the end of time about how beneficial this program is, but it’s crap. And they know it. I know they know it because they never offer statistics, Why? Because they don’t have any, that’s why. It’s a giant money making machine for companies they are attached to in some way. Like Apple. Like The Gap. And dragging children into it is just shit.

Hey, while they’re at it maybe they could offer me a bigger penis or money if only I cash an international cashiers check for them.

What I really want to know is: what did Curious George ever do to the marketing analysts at The Gap that would make them want to hurt him in such a demeaning way?

To make a serious difference and not just show off, go to Kiva.org or Buy (less) Crap. You’ll find the links in my blogroll.

I need to go take a pill, I think my blood pressure just shot way, way, up.

Unbelievable.
Dogwoman

What’s Wrong With This Statement ?

Hello.

Regarding the torture conflict, I read this in the news:

“Mr Bush defended his administration’s methods and said interrogations were carried out by “highly-trained professionals”.

And I thought, “Well, that’s good. We wouldn’t want it carried out by untrained professionals.”

It’s nice to know that while we sleep the Bush Administration is keeping the world safe through the exacerbated use of the water-board. On suspects, not convicted criminals. And that those doing the torture have been to school. I know when I’m stuck in a concrete room tied to a chair I like to know that the person with the shiny metal instruments is a professional. That this is not just a part time job on the weekends. I like my torture to have a certain panache, don’t you?

What, do they have their degree in illegal torture methods hanging on the wall?

I am sickened by the fact that I live in a country where this sort of statement could be made by anyone, much less our PRESIDENT. And don’t give me what I’ve come to regard as “The Freedom Speech”. It’s all red, shite and blue smoke being blown up our backsides. Torture was prohibited by the Geneva convention for a reason. About six million of them, actually. And for the U.S. government to blithely decide they don’t feel like complying and rewording everything to make it look tame is garbage.

Where is the International Criminal Court on this one?

Dogwoman

Just a Healthy Note

Hello.

Dear King Bush,

You are absolutely right, we don’t need health care for children in this country. They can just put some spit on it and run back out and play. Unless of course, they have some sort of life threatening disease or severe medical need. Then I guess they are just shit out of luck aren’t they? Too many unattractive attachments means poor children can learn to live with their ills.

Maybe we should veto your excellent health plan, you vermicious knidd.

with ire,

Dogwoman

Or So I Thought

Hello.

So I thought Substitute Teaching was the way to go as I am in school. I could utilize my aforementioned talents as a teacher while attending class. Seemed like a good plan.

Until they asked me to teach Kindergarten.

Students: 1. Teacher:0

I went home with glue in my hair and a new appreciation for Kindergarten teachers.

Kindergartners are savages with art supplies and questions. And they will maim you with these weapons given the chance. I’d rather teach lions to dance than ever go back to a Kindergarten class.

If you teach little ones I applaud you.

Dogwoman