Archive for the ‘Hyperbole’ Category

School Daze

Hello.

I wanted to issue a blanket apology to all seven of you who come here on a regular basis looking for the mocking and satire.  My posts have been spotty because,well, it’s that time of year.

That’s right, they’re back! I am frantically getting ready for another round of angst and inattention. All of my time is spent looking for a good quality red marker. My motto is: If it doesn’t read, it must bleed.

So, as the days wear on, I hope to pick up the thread and pillory public figures for fun and amusement on a daily basis. Bear with me as we make this important change over from carefree summer days to slogging through papers that were obviously written ten minutes before class started.

Oh the Humanity!

Dogwoman

A Brief Lesson in Relativity For Europeans

Hello.

Gas prices are supposed to be going down soon. Apparently OPEC has decided to increase production. I got to thinking about the news stories I read in European newspapers that think it’s funny to listen to Americans complain so loudly about gas prices. We are spoiled, they say. We just want something for nothing, they chide. While that may be true, let’s look at it from the perspective of relativity.

America is a giant country. Humongous. Ginormous. Smaller than the African continent but bigger than Europe. The only country that approaches us in size is Canada and most of their land is frozen. Land totals looks something like this:

U.S. 3,717,812.82 Sq miles.

UK 94,526.53 Sq miles

Ireland( including the North) 32,602.2 Sq. miles

France 211,209.46 Sq.miles

See? We could fit the European countries inside our country and still have room leftover for the pacific Islands and most of the Middle East. When American maps give sizes for European countries they list the state that matches it next to the totals just so we can understand how tiny they are. By the way, Ireland matches West Virginia and the UK is a fraction smaller than Oregon..

That said, we are a nation that, like melted butter, likes to spread out. Our roads are big. Driving time wise, let’s say that if you were to drive non stop from Michigan to Florida it would take about 112 hours. To get from one end of my state to another it takes 12 hours, if you don’t stop to pee or visit the Mystery Spot. And there is a very scary bridge that connects the top to the bottom. So one needs time to steady ones nerves before crossing it. I recommend Bob’s Whitefish House and Bar in Mackinaw city.

Now that size is established, let’s talk about gas prices. In America, we measure gas by the gallon. We could use metric but frankly, sometime in the 70’s we got bored with it and dropped the whole idea. It’s 2.2 gallons to the litre. So at three dollars a gallon it would be little more than six dollars to the litre. About what Europe pays right now, give or take. If you’re paying more than seven you are totally getting ripped off and should have a riot. Okay, now for conversion. The dollar is considerably lower than the Euro, so let’s see, it should be about 56,874 dollars to the Euro. So while those overseas are paying six euro to the litre we’re paying over 100,00 dollars per gallon. See, we pay way more than Europeans do for gas and we have farther to go.

It’s a crying shame.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to take out a third mortgage on my house to get to work this morning. Y’all have a nice day now, ya hear.

Dogwoman