Archive for the ‘Irony’ Category

Anyone But That Guy

Hello.

So I noticed something about the blog as I was reading through the archives. I seem to have done a one eighty on Obama. Puzzled, I decided to take it up with my  unconscious self.

“Self” I said hesitantly “What’s up with that ?”

Self replies with irritation, face immersed in a coffee cup, ” Wha-?”

“That” I repeat pointing at an old post that invites Obama into the Hiawatha Forest to play hide and seek at midnight.

“What are you on about?” Self growls, plucking its face from the coffee cup. Clearly, it hasn’t been paying any amount of attention. Now that’s just annoying. You’d think that ones unconscious self would pay some sort of attention to what is going on in the outside world. Even if it is just so it can clobber you with it during REM sleep.

“This turn about on Obama? “I say pointing to recent blog posts “What gives? I thought we hated him?”

“Hate is an elusive theory.” Self replies, reaching for it’s cigarettes. I don”t smoke but apparently, Self does.

“Have you been reading Camus again?”

“Define Camus.” Self sneers through a rising cloud of smoke. I cough.

“Very funny. Seriously, what is up with this Obama thing.We really need to have a unified position. People will get confused. They’ll say I’m a waffler. And nothing is worse than being lumped in with John McCain.”

“That is more horrifying that either us needs to contemplate at this point in our relationship.”

Sigh. Obviously Self will not be giving straight answers today. Self never gives straight answers. Which is why my life is what it is. It’s like being trapped in a body with an aging, black beret wearing, macrobiotic eating, hippie. Quite horrible really. Especially when I consider how much I’ve always secretly wanted to be a a pro-life Republican. Self refuses on moral grounds. And occasionally too many coffee grounds.

I try one more time.

“Self” I yell ” I need a plausible explanation I can take to the people. Now!” I augment my position with a stern finger pointing.

Self regards me with that smug beatnik look I have always hated, yawns and says “Well, he’s not Bush.”

So now I know. I am, like many Social Democrats, willing to take anyone as the President as long as their last name doesn’t rhyme with mush, push, or shush. And their Vice President doesn’t rhyme with Heaney.

Sad really, I thought my reasoning my would be deeper and more complex, but alas, no.

Dogwoman

Throw Another One On the Fire

Hello.

I have to tell you, being away from the net and all of it’s juicy and sometimes jaw dropping  information has been hard.  I feel out of the loop. As though I am still changing a tire on the side of the  information Super-highway.

Though, I didn’t expect to come back when all of the most off center celebrities were dropping dead.

I take comfort in the fact that these ones aren’t the BIG celebrities. Except maybe Michael Jackson. (whose name TMZ can’t seem to spell correctly. Why is that TMZ,why is that?)

Here I would post a tear jerking send off  for the man but let’s face it I don’t have anything.

I can say that the boy who claimed MJ molested him and then waited for him to die to recant is pretty disgusting. For two reasons. One, if he did lie he should have said so during the man’s lifetime, not after it when it does MJ no good. Two, it’s a typical thing that if you live differently you are a target. Period.  The Michael (see, TMZ, the a comes before the e, not the other way around.) had issues. Deep issues of a “lost childhood” nature. However, it just made him a bulls-eye for people willing to sell their souls for money. The very thing we hate here in the ‘House. So from that aspect, I feel very bad for the completely fucked up life Michael (spell-check, TMZ, always a last resort) lived.

Having said that , is anyone surprised the Billy Mays had a body full of cholesterol and advanced heart disease? Clearly, a type A personality. Maybe he could have used an Oxy-cleaning.

Yeah, that was bad, sorry.

Dogwoman

Uncommon Idea

Hello.

I keep reading about the world wide food crisis. It sounds awful. Oh wait, it is awful but I have revolutionary idea that might help.

STOP MAKING FUEL OUT OF THE COMMODITIES THAT PEOPLE NEED TO EAT.

I know that this position will perhaps make me even less popular than I currently am, but it’s chance I am willing to take. Especially when one considers that we have a huge ball of self renewing energy in the sky that has proven itself more than capable of helping out. Oh and that little thing that sweeps down from the hills from time to time freshening our lives and creating the perfect ambiance might be useful too.

Yes, there are obstacles. Problems like, no one wants to pay for the conversion. Cheap is not helpful. If they can ask us to pay extortionist prices for gas while simultaneously starving entire populations to create new fuels, they can invent a supersolar conductor with their 900 bajillion dollar oil profits.

Ridiculous. When are we going to get mad enough to capsize this incredible ship of fools ?

Because these things don’t need to happen, we just let them.

Dogwoman

Edumacation And Bad Spellings

Hello.

I could rant on about the candidates, but watching them shadowbox each other is so boring I can’t be bothered.

However, I can rant on about the new No Child Left Behind regulations that Margaret Spellings is rolling out.

Miss Spellings , a woman who has never been in a classroom, whose degree is in political science, has decided we need more ‘accountability’ from the schools and more programs to involve parents.

I live in a place where all three high schools have failed to meet the NCLB standards for the past five years. The city’s solution has been to make ALL of the teachers re-apply for their jobs for next fall. When I ask student’s about it, I get an earful. They are afraid that the teachers they are familiar with enough to take their problems to will be gone next year. When I ask teachers about it they just roll their eyes and shrug, as if to say ‘What can you do?”

Spellings is not concerned about the students or failing schools. In this district there has been a significant elevation of students who are classified as Emotionally Impaired, most of them being conduct disordered. However, there are few solid programs to deal with this influx and many EI students end up in general classrooms, where they are disruptive. Overcrowded classrooms, lack of educational aides, run down, non-functioning schools are just some of the actual problems facing Administrators. Where are the increases in Federal funding to help? Don’t hold your breath waiting for Spellings whose real concern is mirrored in the following statement:

“Over their lifetimes, dropouts from the class of 2007 alone will cost our nation more than 300 billion dollars in lost wages, lost taxes and lost productivity,” said Secretary Spellings. “Increasing graduation rates by just five percent, for male students alone, would save us nearly eight billion dollars each year in crime-related costs.”

Because being fully educated means one will never commit a crime. Alberto Gonzales, Paul Wolfowitz, various Republicans caught with their pants down.. these people have cost our nation millions in prosecution and work loss but apparently, if you’re over educated this is more acceptable.

As for parental involvement. In this district they practically drag parents into meetings and programs. Every night I get phone calls about town meetings, forums, PTA, special programs for  parenting…. it”s endless. The fact is, some parents just don’t care. Many do but, some just don’t. All the regulations that Spellings wants to impose on the schools won’t make them care. It just makes the NCLB goals that much harder for the district to reach.

I have a solution. If Margaret ‘I’m a Political Hack” Spellings were replaced with an actual Teacher or School Administrator whose primary concern is real students rather than imaginary numbers things might change. Continuing the number crunch and calling it Educational Reform is just garbage. The NCLB is churning out students who can take a test but can’t hold a job, spell or do basic problem solving. And people like Spellings are taking it out on the only people who are willing to work for low pay and even less respect, Teachers.

Education is about the students and their futures. It’s about making sure that student’s have the basic tools to live and work in an increasingly complex system. NCLB and Margaret Spellings are throwing political wrenches into that system at  will and then blaming the very people who are trying to do what they ask.

Our political system, the one that controls our education system, is full of twits.  And Spellings is the worst of the lot.

Dogwoman

The New Van Diemens Land

Hello.

So your 17 year old son or daughter had decided they don’t want to join the military to get experience and see the world (i.e. eat sand in Iraq). That’s ok. The Government is not worried because they have a whole new resource they can tap into for bodies recruits.

Sex offenders, murders, burglars and others of the conduct disordered variety are now getting their chance to give back to society. They’re getting a one way ticket to Iraq.

That’s right, the American government is taking the advice of comedian Bobcat Golthwait and sending criminals to do our fighting for us. As Bobcat pointed out “These are the men with experience”.

If this little plan to avoid a draft works out our prisons should be empty by 2019. Excellent.

Of course, there might be a few discipline problems. They are using men who couldn’t abide the rules of an open society and thrusting them into a system that has rules for everything, including when and how to eat.

Oh well.

That’s the price you pay for governing with your head firmly entrenched up your ascot.

Dogwoman

&^*%$#@*(*^!!!!!

Hello.

I had someone e-mail me to ask why I hadn’t blogged about Obama’s comment on those poor working class Pennsylvanians.

Well, the answer is I was too busy being bitter and clinging to my gun in church. Michigan is full of militias, ya know.

In my unfettered and honest opinion, the comment makes him look like an ass. To compare a town that has lost it’s lively-hood to corporations’ insane rush of greed to his own past in which he traded in his $200,00 condo for a 1.5 million dollar mansion is ridiculous. It’s not elitist, it is a powerfully sad commentary on the State of Our Union. But that’s his problem. Like Hilary’s story of gunfire and subsequent debunking by video.

The Candidates spend too much time blathering about nothing. I’m pretty sure their platforms are made out of waterlogged Katrina timber. Shaky, unstable and likely to be a blatant pack of lies that could fall on them at any moment.

Should one of them make a serious statement that doesn’t make me grumble and throw things at my computer, I would be happy to blog about it.

Dogwoman

I Know A Place You Can Stick Your Brand

Hello.

If you turned your lights out for an hour on Saturday, I weep for you.

Earth Hour was a sneaky little trick pulled by business entrepreneurs to Brand a political movement.

So was the collection of world wide rock concerts sponsored by the Man in Green, Al Gore.

So is the Red Program

So is any charitable or humanitarian movement in which anyone in a suit whose lips move faster than the rest of them is involved.

Branding is a pandemic.

There is a rush to slap a label on everything in an attempt to market to the overcrowded market. However, if what is being branded is a movement or a humanitarian group or goal, then it’s taking the whole point of that movement or goal and flushing straight down the potty. People are fickle and don’t really like to be told how to feel about issues. Many of the ‘new’ movements are emotionally driven. The pros and cons of each should be left up to the individual, not the corporation. It is lazy to allow a politician or rock star or dot com executive to tell you what to think. People should think for themselves. And many do.

Contrary to popular thought, branding things like Global Warming is actually counterproductive. Yes, it gets more attention but it’s usually negative attention. Rational people are less likely, despite what slick charts tell you, to engage in an activity that has a corporate brand on it. Those who jump through these politically driven hoops tend to be younger and less focused or older and concerned what others think of them.

Politicians love brands because it tells them exactly what to do. Corporations love brands because they can direct their marketing at target audiences, like children. Everything from music groups to art galleries have hired marketing strategists to create a brand that will get noticed. That’s why Amy Winehouse and Lindsy Lohan have recording contracts. They’re not good, they’re just easy.

I think of it this way. The only thing that should be branded is cattle. And only so ranchers can tell one cow from another.

If the powers that wanna be begin branding things like Global Warming or international charities people will be less likely to take them seriously. It is seen as a way to get the attention of children or the hopelessly insecure.

As for Earth Hour, well uh, my house is always lit up as though the Mother Ship has just landed. I like to think of it as a beacon in the darkness of mooing ignorance that surrounds us all. My husbands thinks of it as a condition called ‘Childitis’ i.e.: that act of having children who won’t turn off the light when they leave a room. Sigh.

Dogwoman