Archive for the ‘Music’ Category

Rock and Roll Hall Of Shame

Hello.

If you had to choose between a group of musicians the thinking world considers brilliant and a band known mostly for their fabulous hair, which would you choose?

Well, you’re wrong. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is getting set to announce their inductees and would you believe BON JOVI is the critics pick? I don’t know whether to weep or send angry invective laden e-mails. I thought they could sink no lower when Madonna made the list but, holy roaming cows.

And Bon Jovi is getting the nod over a band like Rush. Rush. One of the most eclectic and inventive bands in history. One of the first bands to begin using technology in their music. That’s right it wasn’t U(f’n)2. It was pioneers like Rush and Yes that started that craze.

On this list of  possible inductees are bands like the Smiths and the Cure who were never considered rock bands. Also Donna Summer and Chic two groups that are strictly Disco. Run DMC and the Beastie Boys are  on the list as well.

And what a dismal list. Is this really the best they can do? Have we run out of great musicians to induct and are now scraping the bottom of the musical barrel?

Did I mention that Metallica is on the list? They have been around forever, are still making great music and their albums always go to the top of the charts as soon as they are released. Even those who don’t generally listen to Heavy Metal can hum Enter Sandman. And they are being ignored for Bon Jovi? A group that is barely one step ahead of Milli Vanilli. Why don’t they just induct Ratt and Vanilla Ice and end the whole pretense?

If you’d like to put in your two cents worth, go here to vote for the band of your choice.

And it better not be Bon Freakin’ Jovi. Seriously. I have your IP and I can find you.

Dogwoman

Stop, Baby

U2 Goes down in a blaze of Glockenspiel

Hello.

So, my friend says to me, “Have you heard they turned U2 songs into lullabies for babies.” I laughed, ” It’s a spoof, don’t believe everything you read.”

No it’s true.

Against the dulcet tones of the glockenspiel one can now let the wee one drift off to the classic lullabye “Sunday Bloody Sunday”. Because when I think bedtime music for innocent children, I think U2. Yes, the images of a war torn country and children being shot or starving to death are just what I want my children to listen to before they can even dribble out “momma”.

But wait, it’s gets better. The song list includes “One” a song about an AIDS patient singing to his heartless father just before he dies.Yes, that is what that song is about so, stop playing it at weddings. Or how about “Angel of Harlem”, the one about Billie Holiday and her heroin addiction. My favorite is “The Sweetest Thing” in which Bono declares his wife is “even better than The Real Thing.” That’s nice. I know when my husband declares that I am better than an illegal drug, I get all gushy. And I want my children to hear all about it.

Ya know, the day I heard a U2 song played as muszak in an elevator I thought, “Good lord, I am old and isn’t New Years Day lovely when played by a thousand faceless studio musicians?” I thought that was the lowest anyone could sink, musically speaking. I figure once all your hard work has become fluffy tunes to not think by, that’s it, career over. But no, always breaking new ground, U2 has actually found a level lower than elevator music. They have opened a whole new vista of selling out. Compared to this, the iPod is nothing.

I would have loved to be in on that meeting:

“Uh yeah there boys, a company called Flying Peas would like to turn all of your music into syrupy campy versions of their former glory to market to morons with no musical taste or understanding of your lyrics, so how bout it? ”

“Will it be bigger than the U2 Euchrist they play in American churches?”

“Of course.”

“Then we’re in.”

There is a point where marketing takes a left turn and I think U2 reached it sometime in the late nineties. At this point they are just whores trying to coast on their past success.

Of course if you are not a U2 fan, you can always get the lullaby version of U2 Light Coldplay’s greatest hits. Personally, I am waiting for the Beastie Boys edition, because their songs really hit you where you live. Who doesn’t want their toddlers to Fight for their Right to Paaaaarty?

Dogwoman

A Post Secret Moment

Hello.

I have a confession to make.

A deeply disturbing one.

I have accessed MySpace.

Yes, I was there and I wasn’t culling crap poetry for your entertainment and cringiness. My head is hung low with shame.

It’s not my fault. Sure I pushed the buttons but, I blame the Decemberists. That’s right, it’s all their fault. If they had just been a little more forthcoming about canceling their tour this fall then I wouldn’t have had to go to their MySpace page to see what’s up.

And holy moly am I sorry I went. I liked the tracks, but then people kept leaving these get well soon cards and geh! If people would just put them in iambic pentameter I could post them as another MyCrapPoetry moment but no. And the whiners. So many complaints about getting refunded, you’d think it was a GOP convention.

I say if you are sick enough to cancel a tour, stay home. No one wants to see a pasty wheezing musician who can barley stand up. Or a pasty wheezing musician sitting in a chair with their instrument tied to their hands, trying to look happy while concentrating on not falling over. That’s what we have Keith Richards for.
So I promise never to go back to MySpace without the sole intention of finding bad poets to lampoon.

Forgive me for I know not what the Decemberists are doing but I hope they get over it soon.

Dogwoman

Oh and BTW if anyone knows the Decemberists send them a message would you, please. Ask them to put The Tain on their site cause I can’t access it anywhere else and my daughter won’t send it to me. And sure if she doesn’t have it on her iPod. Stingy college students.