Archive for the ‘Ouch’ Category

Three in One

Hello.

Dear Vice President Dick Cheney,

Thank you for your kind words about the soldiers serving in Iraq on the news that we have now lost 4,000 men and women. You are absolutely right, they did volunteer. So did you. And the only action you’ve seen so far is shooting your friend in the face while hunting maimed birds. Perhaps a three year tour of that sandy hell hole would give your tired old ass a wake up call. Just a thought.

Love,

Dogwoman

Dear President Bush,

Please stop talking. Every time you open your mouth something incomprehensible and slightly scary comes out. We the People of the United States would like you to convert to Buddhism and take a vow of silence for the next 10 months.

Sincerely,

Dogwoman

Dear Pat Buchanan ,

Black people across America would like to thank you for really getting to the root of the civil rights movement. With comments like your recent ones stating how grateful they should be that White landowners rounded them up like cattle and shipped them across the ocean like abused sardines, I’m sure there won’t be any backlash.

Are you stuck in a time warp, you cretin?

Honestly, why do these things just creep out of your mouth ? African- Americans are not the only group of people on welfare, using Pell grants or benefiting from state run programs to help the poor. Like Ice Pops, poor people come in all flavors and none of them are grateful to be poor. In fact, they are a bit pissed off. And waiting outside your fancy office. With torches and pitch forks.

Gee, I wonder what they want?

Regards,

Dogwoman

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Hold The Phone: Breaking News

Hello.

Here’s a version of The Post That WordPress Ate.  I hope it found my words magically delicious.

In a startling turn of events something so momentous has occurred that I must, in the interests of all who follow such things closely, note it here. Joining the ranks of high profile journalists everywhere, Naomi Campbell is taking her turn at GQ. Her very first interview is with none other than that denizen of public works and self proclaimed martyr, Chavez. Always asking the hard hitting questions, she came at him with all manicured claws bared by asking the important questions: Does he ever go topless and who does he think is the best dressed dictator ?

It’s good to know that she’s not just phoning it in. That her experience as a day laborer has helped her hone her perceptions to a knife’s edge. Naomi is taking it to the streets and aren’t we glad we didn’t miss out.

Certainly this is more important than say, the media hordes attacking Hilary Clinton like a group of bloodied hens. A spurious pecking party predicting the demise of the only female candidate is much less important than whether or not Chavez thinks Bush is nuts. He is, but that’s not the point. The point is, Ms. Campbell got Chavez to say it in a national magazine. Whoa Nelly. Isn’t she a spitfire? Of course, Chavez has been calling Bush a lot of things for the past few years, some of them unprintable.

So everyone rush out and buy a GQ. One wouldn’t want to miss out on the most important topic around the water cooler. And nothing gets our attention faster than a rambling interview between an emotionally truncated brat and a schizophrenic with unlimited power. Good times, those.

A bit of advice for future interviewees of Ms. Naomi: Practice ducking just in case you say something she doesn’t like.

Dogwoman

Say What?

Hello.

Today’s big long post is about magical realism vs. post modernism in new millennium film.

Just kidding.

Actually, it’s about how people use too many words to say nothing at all. I just finished reading a two page interview and when I finished, I had to go back and read it three more times. It occurred to me after I still didn’t understand what the hell was going on that, albeit, I may not be as smart as I’d like to think, I should have at least gotten a gist. Just a gist. But no. Then I realized that’s because the interviewee didn’t answer any of the interviewers questions. Not a one. And you’d think Obama would be just a little more articulate.

Now I understand why they call it spin. When you are finished listening to this garbage, you’re dizzy. And confused. And a bit pissed off.

Why does everything have to sound like a Fox newscast? Just because you have a dictionary, doesn’t mean you need to abuse it this way.

It not just political figures either. I eavesdrop all the time. And what I hear makes my internal English teacher cringe. The long winded explanations about why girl number one didn’t make it to girl number two’s party. Hey chickee, say it with flowers, would you. Because the verbal assault that is coming out of your mouth makes me want to tap dance on you. Ok, maybe not, but I usually have to move to some place quiet and rock back and forth for several minutes.

Shakespeare said that “Brevity is the soul of wit.” He should have said “Verbosity is the soul of twit”

Life is not MySpace. Stop treating every conversation like a social networking page. This means you, Hilary, Mitt, and Rudy. But most especially you Fred! Honestly, what the heck was that tirade all about anyway? Absolutely nothing, that’s what.

Sometimes, wait no, most of the time, the less countable words coming out of the mouth is better. Use precision and you won’t have to keep explaining yourself.

And OMG, textspeak is not language, it’s language reduced to the lowest common denominator.

I feel better.

Dogwoman

Stop, Baby

U2 Goes down in a blaze of Glockenspiel

Hello.

So, my friend says to me, “Have you heard they turned U2 songs into lullabies for babies.” I laughed, ” It’s a spoof, don’t believe everything you read.”

No it’s true.

Against the dulcet tones of the glockenspiel one can now let the wee one drift off to the classic lullabye “Sunday Bloody Sunday”. Because when I think bedtime music for innocent children, I think U2. Yes, the images of a war torn country and children being shot or starving to death are just what I want my children to listen to before they can even dribble out “momma”.

But wait, it’s gets better. The song list includes “One” a song about an AIDS patient singing to his heartless father just before he dies.Yes, that is what that song is about so, stop playing it at weddings. Or how about “Angel of Harlem”, the one about Billie Holiday and her heroin addiction. My favorite is “The Sweetest Thing” in which Bono declares his wife is “even better than The Real Thing.” That’s nice. I know when my husband declares that I am better than an illegal drug, I get all gushy. And I want my children to hear all about it.

Ya know, the day I heard a U2 song played as muszak in an elevator I thought, “Good lord, I am old and isn’t New Years Day lovely when played by a thousand faceless studio musicians?” I thought that was the lowest anyone could sink, musically speaking. I figure once all your hard work has become fluffy tunes to not think by, that’s it, career over. But no, always breaking new ground, U2 has actually found a level lower than elevator music. They have opened a whole new vista of selling out. Compared to this, the iPod is nothing.

I would have loved to be in on that meeting:

“Uh yeah there boys, a company called Flying Peas would like to turn all of your music into syrupy campy versions of their former glory to market to morons with no musical taste or understanding of your lyrics, so how bout it? ”

“Will it be bigger than the U2 Euchrist they play in American churches?”

“Of course.”

“Then we’re in.”

There is a point where marketing takes a left turn and I think U2 reached it sometime in the late nineties. At this point they are just whores trying to coast on their past success.

Of course if you are not a U2 fan, you can always get the lullaby version of U2 Light Coldplay’s greatest hits. Personally, I am waiting for the Beastie Boys edition, because their songs really hit you where you live. Who doesn’t want their toddlers to Fight for their Right to Paaaaarty?

Dogwoman

When Good Germs Go Bad

Hello.

A scientist contracted pneumonic plague after hanging out with a cat. Okay, a relatively big cat, but still.

The doctors thought he had a cold. Yeah, a relatively big cold.

Pneumonic plague is one of the most contagious forms of plague to catch. It’s not the most interesting as there are no buboes and one doesn’t turn black. A person becomes delirious and coughs blood. Lots of blood, as the plague actually turns a human into jelly from the inside out.

Sadly, this is not the first outbreak of the Black Death this year, there was another outbreak that killed over a hundred people in Africa. It was in the news briefly then disappeared so, I have no idea if they contained it or not.

In these modern medical times I can see how a doctor would have no clue what they were looking at. They have no reference point for the Black Death. There hasn’t been any use for the dead cart in a while. Yet, with medieval diseases making a comeback maybe it’s time we stopped working on stem cell research and began to look into the question of time travel.

With a time machine, one could go back, pluck a bloodletting barber from his shop, haul him into a medical facility in our time and get his expert opinion on what ails the patient. Of course, he’d have to be kept away from the shiny sharp instruments and be given a bath. There are always drawbacks but, in time, these could be overcome.

Yes, I think this is the way to go and should be proposed to Congress as soon as possible. It couldn’t be any more outrageous than some of their other ideas and is much less likely to be subject to Presidential veto. Or perhaps, we could bring Yesernia Pestis to justice, American style. Have the little germ tried before a secret criminal court and sent to Guantanamo. Waterboarding might not work, but I am sure the professionally trained torturers the President is so proud of could come up with something.

So there you are, contact your congresspeople as soon as possible about the Black Death before it becomes an epidemic. Let them know you want this pestilence brought to justice. Murdering microscopic bastard.

Dogwoman

What I Learned After Summer Vacation

Hello.

Let’s talk about Education in the United States. It’s coming up on election time and I notice that the pundits and the candidates are so busy rattling at Iran that they have all but forgotten the next generation of pundits and candidates.

When I decided to substitute teach in an inner city district I thought I was prepared for the abuse from the students. What I wasn’t prepared for was the lack of education in our Education system. All brought to our students by two Acts. The Mainstreaming Act and the No Child Left Behind Act.

First let me say mainstreaming had good intentions. I think that is obvious but here is what it has entailed: Special education is now fragmented to the point of confusion. If I take on a Special Ed assignment I never know what I will find. Everything from students who just need a little extra tutoring to those considered severely emotionally impaired. And the Aides in these classrooms are underpaid to the point of resentment. The crux is some children do not benefit from mainstreaming, they are shoved into classes at the back of the school building and not allowed to to mix with the general population. Thus the school can claim mainstreaming when in fact these students are just as cut off from the educational process as if they had been sent to a special school. Deaf children receive the least benefit. I subbed one class where there were four deaf students and one interpreter. One. I later found out that this interpreter is paid like an aide rather than a professional with years of schooling. If you teach students who come with an interpreter, you are not allowed to call on them or in any way indicate that they are part of the class.This is always clearly indicated in their IEP. So why put them in a mainstreamed position if they cannot be treated as a part of the class? Severely Cognitively Impaired children are also put into classrooms by themselves. Often there are only three to six children in a room and not always at the same time. Again not really ‘mainstreamed’ just put in to a room in a public school building

And the act that grew out of mainstreaming does the most damage.The No Child Left Behind Act not only teaches to the test and does nothing for learning the skills of critical thinking, it separates students and is a back door way of instituting that most heinous of tactics, blocking. This is where you group the smart students in one class and the not so smart students in another beginning in Kindergarten and that is where they stay all through school right up to graduation. I see it everyday. One class will pay attention and ask questions and the next will throw paper wads and avoid the assignment like the plague. And if you want to know which class has the slow learning blocked students just ask the office personnel which is the most difficult class for that particular teacher.Without thinking they will tell you. There is no general mix of students anymore. Because the smart kids are held back by the dumb ones and the dumb ones can’t be taught anything. Which is crap. There are no dumb students, just bored, harassed and frustrated teachers. Because inner city high schools have 40+ students per class. Ever try to get forty adults to do the same thing at the same time? Well it’s worse with students because they always want to know why. But thanks to the NCLB Act, we’re not allowed to tell them if it’s not on the test.

And that’s all I have to say about that. (Actually it’s not, but I am nearing the sixty minute mark so..).

Dogwoman

The Missing Piece

Hello.

As I drag my self to the computer I always wonder to myself, “What stupid thing did the GOP do while I was unconscious ?”. Well today’s prize goes not to the Group of Old Poops. It goes to a man and his smokehouse leg.

So many questions arise from this little tale I’ve not the time to list them all. But here’s the big one: Who keeps their severed leg in a barbecue?

I know when I lose a limb, I like to give it to science, or use it to play tricks on neighborhood children. Now that’s good fun.

I guess the moral is, if you’re going to put your body parts in a storage unit, make sure you pay the fees.

Dogwoman