Archive for the ‘Psychosis’ Category

Now I Know Why They Go Postal

Hello.

I’m exhausted. I’ve spent the entire weekend running away from people with clipboards. Some of them were wearing Obama shirts and some were wearing McCain shirts.  At one point I had a group of twelve year-olds literally chasing me around the laundromat. “Hey, Lady areyouregisteredtovote?”

Yes, Yes, dagnab it, I am  registered to vote. I am, I swear. I even have the card to prove it. Yes, I am a legal resident of the United States. If not, my parents have some ‘splainin’ to do.

And, No, Mr.College student who looks as though he could use a hot meal and a bath, I do not know who I am going to vote for.  That’s right, I am one of those pesky undecideds.

Now, quit showing up at my door, or following me to the grocery store, the gym, the laundromat and the Library.

I’ll tell you who I’m voting for, on November 8th.

Dogwoman

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I Drank What?

Hello.

I know that my Bono rants are tiring. But he’s just gone too far this time. Again.

In a magnanimous effort to still seem hip inside some rapidly expanding and aging skin Bono and the Red(y for this Bullshit ?) Program are launching a DRM free online music store. The B states that the new programs will change the way music is delivered. That’s nice.

Sadly, this announcement comes right after he published a letter in NME blaming file sharing and music store deliveries for the downfall of the music industry.

Playing both sides of the field will not make friends among fans of music. And by music I refer of course to those who use instruments that they can actually play, sing songs in tune and don’t use drum machines or backing tracks to disguise the fact that they haven’t a musical bone in their body.

It was nice of him to laud Radiohead for their online ‘experiment’. However, he must be living in a musical time warp if he thinks Radiohead invented the free download. Excellent musicians without huge contracts have been doing this for a while. And they don’t throw a tantrum when the music is shared. They know that if people like their music they will come back again and again to buy it.

It is pure excrementum to complain like a harpy about file sharing and then start a DRM free online music store.

Whatever he is smoking I would like some delivered to the Doghouse, pronto.

Dogwoman

FEMA Strikes Again

Hello.

Man: Hey, I’m walkin’ here.

FEMA Agent: Fuck you, I’m with FEMA.

Man: Whatever. Be careful.

FEMA Agent: *CRUNCH*

Man:  Ow. You Bastard!

And then the FA tries it again.

Making friends in all fifty states.

We love FEMA.

Dogwoman

Confuse To Conquer

Hello.

I just looked at the clock and realized with horror that I have been reading the news for three hours. Three hours.

Here’s what I learned in that time:

Obama is a Democratic God.

Obama is going to ruin our country.

Clinton should throw in the towel.

Clinton should fight on.

The new Iraqi surge is working.

America is losing the fight in Iraq.

Iraq Vets hate Bush.

The GOP hates Bush.

Everyone hates Bush.

America is a neo-fascist country being driven into the ground by bad economic policies.

Germany is sponsoring a body painting party.

Today we should all observe Earth Hour by shutting off our lights at 8pm.

Teachers keep having sex with students.

Starbucks doesn’t have to comply with court orders.

Neither does any White House Aide.

Regular news outlets are trolling blogs for news because it’s cheaper than sending a correspondent.

and Grey Wolves are off the endangered list…for now.

And the only thing I found interesting or newsworthy was the German Body Painting story.

I want to go to a body painting party. With the lights off for an hour as Grey wolves roam restlessly about looking for a correspondent to complain to about George Bush and his fascist policies while Clinton hands out towels to Obama who is.. spilling his Starbucks coffee… on the teachers having sex with students….while avoiding court orders….. Wait

Sigh. I’m confused.

Does anyone out there have any idea what the hell is going on??????

Dogwoman

Nothing To Lose

Hello.

Credit crisis. Rising Gas prices. Rising food prices. Inert and unwilling lawmakers.

These are some of the problems facing America today. While it may seem that these are loosely connected in some vague way they are in fact directly related.

Banks made loans to low income people at what are termed ‘predatory rates’. This means that the bank knew the homeowner couldn’t pony up the dough and was just waiting for the time they must foreclose. Then they could sell the house to another ‘low income homeowner’ and start the cycle all over again. Using this method they could make thousands of dollars off one house and the average yutz. Pretty slick. Too bad so many banks started getting in on the action. By using the idea of the American Dream against regular Joes, like you and I, the banking industry has crashed our economy.

It’s not just the lending strategy, it’s the hiding of assets and debit that has been going on since 2000. The banks have been playing fast and loose with numbers off the books. Things that we never hear about like derivatives and the resurgence of hedge funds and private equity funds.

What puzzles me and makes me wonder is why the Government is bailing out the banks.

The Government should be bailing out the homeowner. I thought is was the general duty of the Government to help those who have been harmed by the amoral practices of businesses which it is supposed to regulate. Like Banks. I had no idea the Government was in place to bail out the banks who instituted these policies after Slick Willy signed Bank deregulation into law in 2000, just before he skated out the White House door. Guess he was hoping we wouldn’t notice.

With the credit industry crashing on a global scale NOW bank officers are crying foul. “Oh we should have seen that” Oh fuck off, you did see it, but your profits were more important than those who might be harmed. Like everyone not on the Board.

The bankers who brought you the Savings and Loan disaster of the eighties have now brought you the World Wide Credit Crunch. And they have no plans to change any of their policies once our Fed bails them out.

Thanks to them gas and food and housing prices are soaring because the billions in tax payer dollars that should be going to restructuring programs are going into the coffers of banks. The Government is using our money to bail out the banks who raped our communities. And the lawmakers sit back and yawn and rake in the campaign contributions from these bastards while rubber stamping their poor policies.

Why not? They’ve got nothing to lose.

I really hate that.

Dogwoman

It’s All About Perspective

Hello.

In the news today, Our President says the economy is not in a recession, waterboarding is not cruel and unusual, and John McCain is the right man to succeed him.

In other news, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny are suing for social security, citing that they’ve been at it for over a hundred years and feel it might be time to retire. Dick Cheney startles the media as he admits he meant to shoot his friend in the face, stating that ‘he was talking so much he was scaring the quail away. I had to do it. I went there to shoot something, it was either him or the birds.” Condaleeza Rice leaves her post to become a burlesque dancer and Steve Jobs unveils a new disposable product called the iGiveup which targets the new generation of apathetic high school students. The new product does nothing useful, provides no method of interfacing with the rest of the world and merely stares back at the user with a slightly snarky look. When bored with the new product students can throw it away and buy a new one.

Hey, it could happen, because according to the Super Genius who runs this country, I’m not really writing this blog , you’re not really reading it, and Pinnochio always was a real boy.

Moron.

Dogwoman

Just Another Ironic Monday

Hello.

Vacation over and here at the ‘House it’s time to resume the blogging for Irony and Satire. If one consults the Chinese calender, one will see it is the Year of the Lampoon. A very precipitous year for poking fun at those who take themselves too seriously. Today, as we ease into this new era, I thought we’d just take a gander at those who are making it simple for me.

Speaking of which, perhaps an enterprising reader could explain:

Why the U.S Supreme court feels the need to make a ruling on whether or not lethal injection is considered cruel and unusual when our government thinks torture is ok?

How Dr. Phil is going to help Brittany Spears by dragging her onto his show and making her cry? If we’re really lucky maybe Charlatan Man will cause her to hole up in his green room shrieking and refusing to come out. This is the marriage of Irony and Satire.

How the President who did little or nothing to ally the security concerns of Bhutto, can now claim it’s her own fault she was gunned down, thereby causing massive riots and further loss of life.

Why the Queen of England enjoys a little Wii time? Not ironic, but definitely edges her closer to the Coolest Chick With The Most Power award. Which IS ironic in that an 81 year old woman literally has more game than Oprah or Hilary.

I am sure as the days wear on there will be more examples of this nature. Really, I just have to sit back and let these people do my work for me.

Dogwoman