Archive for the ‘sloth’ Category

Uncommon Idea


I keep reading about the world wide food crisis. It sounds awful. Oh wait, it is awful but I have revolutionary idea that might help.


I know that this position will perhaps make me even less popular than I currently am, but it’s chance I am willing to take. Especially when one considers that we have a huge ball of self renewing energy in the sky that has proven itself more than capable of helping out. Oh and that little thing that sweeps down from the hills from time to time freshening our lives and creating the perfect ambiance might be useful too.

Yes, there are obstacles. Problems like, no one wants to pay for the conversion. Cheap is not helpful. If they can ask us to pay extortionist prices for gas while simultaneously starving entire populations to create new fuels, they can invent a supersolar conductor with their 900 bajillion dollar oil profits.

Ridiculous. When are we going to get mad enough to capsize this incredible ship of fools ?

Because these things don’t need to happen, we just let them.


Only In America


Happy Thanksgiving to all.

Ah Thanksgiving. It’s a purely American holiday. It’s friendly. Everyone at one point in time has invited an acquaintance home just because that person had nowhere else to go. And it’s a sin to be alone on this particular day. So even though we don’t really mean it, we must invite strangers to our house for Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving brings new meaning to the word gluttony. Since more than half of our population is obese, I blame Thanksgiving. We eat until we can’t move and then wait a few hours and eat some more. Trust me we’ve all had the Turkey hangover.That’s where you have to fast for three days after Thanksgiving because the sight of anything edible makes you want to vomit.

Thanksgiving is where we give thanks for all of the things we have. Our cell phones, our PS3s, our shiny cars. That’s right, we’re a nation of haves and we are grateful for it. Every year my son insists that he is grateful for his gameboy. To be honest, there are times when I am grateful for his gameboy. Especially on long car trips.

And lastly we give thanks to the Native Americans for helping our ancestors through that second winter (The first winter was a bit of a bust.) And ensuring that our break with England would eventually come to fruition.

So then why do I see an increasing amount of news articles about the British celebrating Thanksgiving? That’s a little ironic. But given that state of the world these days, I imagine that they are grateful for not being at all responsible for us. And show it by eating too much and watching football(that’s soccer for those who are globally challenged).

Well, whatever country you are in today, Good luck. May your turkey (or goose) be juicy and your relatives be just a little less snippy than last year. Amen.


The Children’s Crusade


I wasn’t going to post today. Nothing had really tripped my trigger and I was just going to let sleeping blogs lie.

Then the mail came.

Remember how I mentioned that my daughter’s Glamour keeps coming to the ‘House? We got another one today. It’s got Mariah Carey on the front wearing what can only be described as a liquid disco ball with hair by Farrah Faucet. I snorted and threw it upside down on the coffee table.

And saw the greatest advertising travesty I have ever seen. I am still speechless.

On the back cover is an advertisement for the world’s finest profiteering scheme. Yes, the Red Program . Only this time there is an 11 year old wearing one of those ridiculous sweatshop shirts. And so is her Curious George.

Ah! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!(repeat this for about five minutes to get the full effect)

If an adult wants to advertise for these money grabbing bastards that’s their business. But children? Babies?

No. No .No. No.No.

My eleven year old is only interested in dancing, band, and how to build new structures out of her bedroom furniture. And I have yet to meet a baby who is socially conscious. Mostly babies spend time trying to remove their socks. Now I am sure there are eleven year olds who care about the planet and others blah, blah, blah, so don’t send me e-mails.

At these ages clothing is still bought by the parents and if you are dressing your children in these kinds of clothing, you should have your head examined. It’s a Giant Lie. A Scam. A ‘business model’. It’s about the business of making money. Bono and Bobby can bang on from now until the end of time about how beneficial this program is, but it’s crap. And they know it. I know they know it because they never offer statistics, Why? Because they don’t have any, that’s why. It’s a giant money making machine for companies they are attached to in some way. Like Apple. Like The Gap. And dragging children into it is just shit.

Hey, while they’re at it maybe they could offer me a bigger penis or money if only I cash an international cashiers check for them.

What I really want to know is: what did Curious George ever do to the marketing analysts at The Gap that would make them want to hurt him in such a demeaning way?

To make a serious difference and not just show off, go to or Buy (less) Crap. You’ll find the links in my blogroll.

I need to go take a pill, I think my blood pressure just shot way, way, up.


Random Poll II


It’s random poll day!

Alright the six of you listen up.

Why do you think it is that the same people who will complain to the manager of a grocery store about being cheated out of fifty cents when the cashier makes an honest mistake take absolutely no interest in where and how their tax dollars are being spent?



Ain’t That A Shame


I see Tammy Faye Baker, oops, Messner died.

Now maybe it will be safe to wear eyeliner again. She won’t need it. Where she’s headed mascara has a tendency to run.

Hypocritical cow.


An American Renactment


The American People: Mr. President, what is that you have behind your back?

Prez: Wha?

AP: Don’t act like you don’t know what we’re talking about. Come on, out with it.

Prez: It’s nothing. Just a bag, dad.

Ap: Just a bag. Mmmm. Let me see it.

Prez: No.

AP: Give it.

Pez: No. I don’t gotta. I got privilges, priviligdes, privateline, No.

AP: You give it to me this instant Mr. Man or there will be consequences.

Prez: Fine. Here.

AP: What is this? Is this a wiretapping scam? What are you doing with a FISA regulated program?

Prez: I was just playing with it a bit. Tweaking it.

AP: Great, look at this. You’ve got AT&T, Verizon and Yahoo all tangled up in it. What a mess. This’ll take forever to sort out. What? What is this? Is this a war? You have a war in your bag. You know you’re not allowed to just have a war.

Prez: I got permission.

AP: From who?

Prez: People.

AP: What people?

Prez: People..mumble mumble

AP: ‘Scuse?

Prez: Fine. God. People I might have lied to.

AP :This is just embarrassing. How are you going to explain this? Look at this will you? Suicide bombers everywhere, oil all over the place..oh great, half the continents aren’t even speaking to us. Is France giving us the finger? Nice. Oh, and Russia too, what a surprise. We’ll just give this back to Congress to fix. You are in soooo much trouble Mr. You just wait until we get… Oh my lord, is this the Constitution? What the hell happened to it ?

Prez: Cheney said I could do whatever I wanted to it.

AP: It’s all mangled. Half the civil liberties are missing. Where are they?

Prez: I hid them.

AP: Well, you better give them back. What is this giant stai- is that barbecue sauce? On the Constitution. You got barbecue sauce on the nations oldest document?

Prez : I was hungry.

Ap: You were hungry. And busy while we weren’t looking, apparently. You are a naughty President. I’ve a mind to take away your Executive Privileges. And your veto. I just don’t know what we’re going to do with you. We’ve tried and tried. Well, I’m waiting, what should we do with you?

Prez: What? I wasn’t listening.


Rocky and Bullwinkle Rule


I was unaware that the office of the Vice President was it’s own secret order. Like the Masons or the Oddfellows. Apparently Dick “Mad Eye Moody” Cheney is afraid some one will discover his stash of high brow porn. He keeps it in the left hand drawer of his desk, under the first draft of the Patriot Act, which he is considering having bronzed.

The issue is whether the VP is part of the Legislative or Executive branch of our once proud government. Cheney insists that since he presides over the Senate he is under the Legislative branch and therefore not subject to scrutiny applied to the Executive branch. Balls. He knows perfectly well that he is part of the Executive branch, having been appointed by the President. It’s just a little more of the misdirect to mislead the public policy that has been applied by our government since King Bush first took office. Every time Cheney speaks all I hear is ‘Watch me pull a rabbit from my hat, Rocky. Look nothing up my sleeve” with Bush in the background making vague protests yet doing nothing.

I find that the wording in the Constitution for the job of the Executive branch to be most telling given Cheney’s position. It reads:

The main function of the Executive Branch is to do what it is instructed to do by Legislation produced by the Legislative Branch.

So the President’s job is, under Cheney’s version, to do whatever Cheney tells him to do. And here I thought the squirrel had all the power but it turns out the moose was in charge the whole time.

Cheney is subject to the same oversight rules as the President and he knows it. The transparency that Rocky and Bullwinkle are demanding from other governments is also applicable to the Office of the Veep. Cheney needs to pony up the paperwork and let someone know what is going on in his office. We are payng his salary and we have the right to know who visits and what he is classifying and declassifying. There is no reason for all of this Natasha and Boris behavior if Cheney is doing nothing illegal or wrong. And if he is, we reserve the right as his employers to do something about it.

Maybe that’s what he is trying to avoid.