Archive for the ‘time’ Category

Going To The Chapel


I watched the last vestiges of my childhood disappear yesterday. Most people see this happen in their early twenties, maybe thirties. I, however, have desperately clung to the past with a willful vengeance. When I attended the wedding of my oldest and dearest friend, I saw the completion of a circle of time.

All through our childhood and teens I vowed never to marry.  She vowed only to marry the right person at the right time. Only one of us got it right.

At the reception I realized I will now begin attending more funerals than weddings. I understood the passage of time more acutely than ever before. I watched her ‘little’ brother chase his joyful daughter across the dance floor in an effort to keep her from pulling down the cake table. I saw the little boy who used to plague us with tricks easily carry his daughter in one hand and a beer bottle in the other as he strode back to his table, smiling. It was strange to think that the times I remember most fondly have passed. As though I had somehow never noticed it before. But there it was, in the faces and conversations of people I once thought of as timeless. Silently, children have grown, we have aged.

Things have changed. As they do. My friend and I have both been a little too busy to spend much time together lately. No longer a single with unlimited free time, she balances her busy schedule with amazing ease and good humor. And that is the quality that has made her such a singular influence in my life.  According to my friend, no problem is a tragedy, and many things are worth waiting for. Including her new husband. She never compromises what she wants, she waits. And, as in the choice of her spouse, she is always greatly rewarded for her patience.

That said, our lives have moved forward at a rapid pace. It is easy to think that things won’t change much, but they do. We get busy, we forget, sometimes we get a little lost or overwhelmed with our responsibilities. It happens so subtly we barely notice it.  Even so, there is a magic to old friendships that time cannot erase.

My friend and I have always managed to make each other laugh. When I need a pick me up, I call and within minutes she has me giggling foolishly. At the ceremony I had to avoid looking at her during the reading for fear we would both burst out in childish good humor. ‘How absurd’ I thought ‘My friend is getting married’. As though time had not passed, as though we were still directionless teenagers, as though we could solve the world’s problems with a bottle of vodka. I miss those times.

Even so, I look forward to watching her new life unfold. Marriage is a surprising and often curious place to find oneself.  There are moments of perfect understanding and those of perfect mis-communication. It’s an old cliche that says a good marriage takes work. In truth, it takes patience and rationality in a  type of relationship that often defies those very principles.

I have no doubt that in this, as she has in everything, she will  teach me yet something else about the eccentric nature of time and friendship and love.


Playing Table Tennis With Dick


In a surprise serve, Kucinich attempted to have Cheney impeached yesterday.

That would have been a good day. An even better day would be to see Cheney and Bush standing before the ICC trying to explain themselves.

So the impeachment motion took on all of the excitement of a table tennis match when Republicans decided to change their votes to table the motion from yea to nay in order to force a vote. Then the Democrats, as always, followed along and switched their votes. A person could get whiplash watching such heated voting. Now, if anyone remembers their School House Rock, it goes to committee for debate.

Which, for most people, means it’s dead.

Or is it? Why should it be?

It’s a reasonable resolution . Forcing the people who have killed our civil liberties, gotten us into another Vietnam, released restrictions on oil companies and devalued our currency to the point where China is laughing, out of office sounds like the first good idea in a long time.

And they bang on about things that could have gotten done. Like what? Another vote on child health care that won’t get past Napoleon Bush and his Silly Putty Veto. I swear he must be wearing that little rubber stamp out. It probably begs for mercy whenever his hand comes near it.

The point is, they, both the Dems and the GOP, aren’t getting anything else done. Except to save a watershed in the Everglades. It’s nice to know that the two parties can come together on the important issues when a veto override is necessary.

Come On! Watershed? What about Iraq? What about Health Care? What about the fact that the Federal Post Office scammed millions of people out of millions of dollars in fees for passports? Oh, there are so many other things they could be doing, but let’s face it, they’re not. Instead they are playing games in the Senate. Games like Chicken and Red Rover and yes, Ping Pong.

So I say, e-mail the Judiciary Committee. Get out your Poison Word program and let the Committee know that, Yes they should impeach the Vice President. It won’t matter to Cheney, he doesn’t even know which branch of the government he belongs to. When it’s something of national importance he’s Executive and when someone wants a look at his documentation of shady things he is suddenly all about the Legislative.

If he wants to act like a governmental ping pong ball, let’s just stop playing the game. Impeachment would take Dick’s balls out of action, don’t you think?


A Post Secret Moment


I have a confession to make.

A deeply disturbing one.

I have accessed MySpace.

Yes, I was there and I wasn’t culling crap poetry for your entertainment and cringiness. My head is hung low with shame.

It’s not my fault. Sure I pushed the buttons but, I blame the Decemberists. That’s right, it’s all their fault. If they had just been a little more forthcoming about canceling their tour this fall then I wouldn’t have had to go to their MySpace page to see what’s up.

And holy moly am I sorry I went. I liked the tracks, but then people kept leaving these get well soon cards and geh! If people would just put them in iambic pentameter I could post them as another MyCrapPoetry moment but no. And the whiners. So many complaints about getting refunded, you’d think it was a GOP convention.

I say if you are sick enough to cancel a tour, stay home. No one wants to see a pasty wheezing musician who can barley stand up. Or a pasty wheezing musician sitting in a chair with their instrument tied to their hands, trying to look happy while concentrating on not falling over. That’s what we have Keith Richards for.
So I promise never to go back to MySpace without the sole intention of finding bad poets to lampoon.

Forgive me for I know not what the Decemberists are doing but I hope they get over it soon.


Oh and BTW if anyone knows the Decemberists send them a message would you, please. Ask them to put The Tain on their site cause I can’t access it anywhere else and my daughter won’t send it to me. And sure if she doesn’t have it on her iPod. Stingy college students.

School Daze


I wanted to issue a blanket apology to all seven of you who come here on a regular basis looking for the mocking and satire.  My posts have been spotty because,well, it’s that time of year.

That’s right, they’re back! I am frantically getting ready for another round of angst and inattention. All of my time is spent looking for a good quality red marker. My motto is: If it doesn’t read, it must bleed.

So, as the days wear on, I hope to pick up the thread and pillory public figures for fun and amusement on a daily basis. Bear with me as we make this important change over from carefree summer days to slogging through papers that were obviously written ten minutes before class started.

Oh the Humanity!


Death Star Found ?


Death Star? No, Dead Star

It could be some sort of fake out. I say we keep an eye on it just to see if it acts weird. Like spitting laser beams, or suddenly traveling too fast.

By the way, Astronomers beat out the British for a dry sense of humor.


Papering The Halls


I know that my posts have been both erratic and crap lately. Crarratic or Errap, if you will. For that turn I apologize. However, like so many students across the world I do have an excuse.

School. Stupid, stupid, school.

I mentioned in a previous post that I am returning to the hallowed halls of matriculation this fall. In the many, many years between my first trip and this one I had forgotten about the bane of every students existence.


I am drowning in the amount of paper they keep shoving at me. I thought computers were supposed to make this easier but, no. Now I not only have to write my particulars on enough paper to make rainforest activists cry, I also have to type it in often enough to require surgery for carpal tunnel syndrome. If it were different information I could see the point but its the same freaking thing over and over again.




Marital status



I think they do it to test new students.That has to be it because really, they could just have you write it on one piece of paper then PHOTOCOPY it. Or even scan it in to the computer. I know they have the technology because I have been to the media center and it was glorious.

No. It must be a test to see how soon one will go mad and begin tossing student employees out the window. I imagine psychology majors watching and making notes from a two way mirror as students from around the world slowly get pissed off while their hands go numb.

So that is my excuse. I am too busy filling out truncated forms for no reason to post properly. And if while passing by your local college you see student employees falling from the windows just remember, I had nothing to do with it.

They did it to themselves.

Name: Dogwoman

Address : Who Knows, Michigan

Residency: Nicely mowed thank you

Marital Status: Pretty good but iffy around tax time

SSN#: ********

Signature: Being an Angry Giantess with a propensity for book learnin’ and crap spelling.



It’s rather sad when a person doesn’t realize how far down they’ve fallen. When they no longer pay attention to the words coming out of their mouth, they just really enjoy the sound of their own voice. Take for example, John McCain. Here is a man my leftist friend once said she might vote for. Gah. That was back before this three ring circus of the 2008 election. I suspect now she wouldn’t vote for him if he were the last candidate standing. At any rate, this is what McCain had to say about the current criticism over the Iraq War:

“We see little evidence of reconciliation and little progress toward meeting the benchmarks laid out by the president,” said McCain. A U.S. withdrawal, he said, would increase “the potential for genocide, wider war, spiraling oil prices and the perception of strategic American defeat.”

Okay, let me see, Johnny come lately, if I have this right. What you are saying is;

The Iraqi government is not doing what it is supposed to be doing, there is a lot of in fighting that can’t be reconciled, BUT, a withdrawal of troops would mean that the war would get worse, oil prices would skyrocket and no one would like the US very much?

Uh. Where do I go with this one? All of those things are happening right now and we are losing men and women daily. Not to mention, which I might add, no one ever mentions, the huge Iraqi refugee surge since the war began. Iraqis are leaving their country in droves. Why? Because it’s not safe. I thought we were calling this little ‘police action’ Iraqi Freedom not Iraqi Diaspora. However, I digress.

It is not all right to send troops to their death just to save face.

It’s not all right to allow husbands and wives and children to die to keep oil prices low. If the government wants to lower oil prices they should reinstate the regulations on oil companies, you know, the ones our King did away with. Neither of these things is worth the continued loss of life that may occur if we do not begin to ask the Iraqi government to stand on their own. If we don’t bring what’s left of our army home.

I want our troops to come home, now. Not in six months, not in six weeks, now. And I don’t care if I have to pay five dollars a gallon for gas or endure even more ‘spank the yank’ slurs from our overseas brethren. This is a pointless, narcissistic, self indulgent war and I would like to see it end.

And John ‘I have no idea what I am saying’ McCain can go fuck himself.