Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Ta Dah! And You Thought I Gave Up

Hello.

This post is for anotheca, who actually wants to hear from me.

Where have I been?

Could be that I was kidnapped by Nigerian Oil marauders while researching an in-depth story about the oil crisis.

Could be that I was sitting on McCain’s lawn starving myself in order to get some worldwide attention.

Could be that I was knifed in China.

Could be that I have been holding Clinton’s tissue box while she sobbed uncontrollably off camera.

Or…

Could be that school just ended and I have been making the change over from Super Sub to Summer School Sub with part time job.

I have been lax. So now I am un-lax and will try to post more often.

Running over the news:

Obama won. NOW you may gloat and say inappropriate things, Mr. Obama.

Bush is on a farewell tour of Europe. Why do I get the impression that the celebrations of joy at his departure will go on long after he is gone?

Oil oiloiloil. We need some. They got some. Speculators are driving up the prices. Just waiting for the crash. No one learns.

Mugrabby keeps imprisoning his opponent. No, that doesn’t look bad on an international level.

Bo Diddly Died. Sigh. The man was a genius what can we say. I had a chance to see him play once during college. So I took it. Brilliant.

I hope this tides you over until tomorrow when we will take a look at the housing crisis. I’ve noticed that the ‘You can buy foreclosed houses” ads have become more frequent. I for one find profiting from someones’ misfortune a little off putting but, that’s just me. And explains why I have the life I do.

Cheers.

Dogwoman

Ironic Monday Rides Again

Hello.

Okay so not so much ironic but it certainly gives pause.

Several articles are blaring that Salman Rushide is the favorite to win the Booker of Bookers. It seems like a pre-announcement doesn’t it? Takes all the fun out of waiting to see who wins. Not to mention, there are at least three writers on the short list who are better and more coherent.

On top of this announcement is an article in which Doris Lessing says wining the Nobel has killed her ability to write. Bastards. I like Doris Lessing and now she’ll probably never finish her last novel. Thanks guys.

And has anyone else noticed that they seemed to have gagged President Bush as requested by this blogging dog? We haven’t heard a peep out of him. Not even a little quip on the marriage of his daughter. Hmmm, strange. Maybe we just can’t hear him over the raging gun battle of the Democratic Primary.

Well, I’m off to teach French to a group of students who can’t answer the question: ” Comment vous applez vous?” not even when I change it to “Comment t’appelle tu?” Apparently, their teacher never taught them the difference between formal and informal usage. Weep, Weep,sigh.

Dogwoman

Bad Poetry Month

Hello.

Turns out MySpace poets aren’t the only ones who need classes. Poetry.com has spawned a whole new level of horror. Rate My Poem.

In this little gem, you read the poem and then rate it on a scale from 1 to 10. The people with the best rating are published on the front webpage. The first three were bad enough to rate a one from me. One of the poems is called, and I’m not making this up, God’s Gay Love. That writer should be publicly whipped just for the title.

I was going to post these musings but then I thought, “No, it would just encourage them if they saw the link.” I don’t want to encourage them, I want to discourage them from their apparent belief of good writing.

Sentiment is nice, but form without function is useless. This holds true in poetry as well as most of the other art forms. Just saying the sky is pretty tells the reader nothing. Comparing the pretty sky to a major life event such as Death, Life, Birth, Sex, any of the usual suspects, is better. Understanding and exploring the themes of humanity using a pretty sky then contrasting it in an unusual way via language is best.

This is Poetry month. Why they insist on having it in Spring when most of the best poetry is written about Winter or Fall I have no idea. However, if one is inclined to wax on (haha) about one’s teenie tiny world without trying to see the world at large please don’t post in a public place. It’s a nightmare for those of us looking for new writers.

I look for writers who posses a unique view. Poetry, listen up MySpacers and Poetry.comers, doesn’t have to be beautiful. It has to be true. Many poets have given us lines that are hard to take, difficult to look at and downright ugly. But we keep looking because they are honest. Stop trying to find what’s pretty. That’s what children do. Find what’s real.

I suspect that many of you, and you know who you are, don’t read. By reading I mean books. Poetry, fiction, fantasy. Those things. The newspaper doesn’t count. The following is a list of ideas you can start with:

Howl

Norton Anthology of Poetry (any edition)

Elizabeth Bishop

Shakespeare

Sharon Olds

Restoration Poetry

Dada Poets

Lord of the Flies

Black Mountain Poets

New York School (1&2)

Joseph Conrad

Brautigan

Rimbaud

I could keep going but that should hold you for a while. While reading don’t write anything. Think. Try not to hurt yourself. I know when you are trying something new, like thinking, it can be painful. Just give it time and you may be surprised.

If you can’t be bothered to do any of these things then, stop writing. Please, I am begging you. It’s like watching American Idol auditions. If you don’t know you are bad and keep doing it you will never get better. And people will cringe and laugh, no matter how much you rationalize it.

It sounds like this:

“God’s Gay Love;

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.”

That’s me, laughing at you.

Dogwoman

Uncommon Idea

Hello.

I keep reading about the world wide food crisis. It sounds awful. Oh wait, it is awful but I have revolutionary idea that might help.

STOP MAKING FUEL OUT OF THE COMMODITIES THAT PEOPLE NEED TO EAT.

I know that this position will perhaps make me even less popular than I currently am, but it’s chance I am willing to take. Especially when one considers that we have a huge ball of self renewing energy in the sky that has proven itself more than capable of helping out. Oh and that little thing that sweeps down from the hills from time to time freshening our lives and creating the perfect ambiance might be useful too.

Yes, there are obstacles. Problems like, no one wants to pay for the conversion. Cheap is not helpful. If they can ask us to pay extortionist prices for gas while simultaneously starving entire populations to create new fuels, they can invent a supersolar conductor with their 900 bajillion dollar oil profits.

Ridiculous. When are we going to get mad enough to capsize this incredible ship of fools ?

Because these things don’t need to happen, we just let them.

Dogwoman

The Big One

Hello.

A series of earthquakes has hit the Mid-West. 18 of them since Friday. Is Illinois about to set sail into Lake Michigan or is this just another hoax by Republicans?

That’s right I blame Republicans for everything, including unnatural phenomena.

Certainly explains the Bush Presidency, now doesn’t it?

Dogwoman

Definition

Hello.

A definiton to help ordinary people understand our economy.

Recession – An economic situation in which the poor are deeply effected causing difficulty maintaining the basic necessities of day to day life. Often resulting in the loss of shelter or food or both.

Depression – An economic situation in which the wealthy must fire the gardener and drive themselves to the airport.

Dogwoman

Conversations Part Deux

Hello there. Bono here.

I’ve kidnapped Dogwoman’s blog. Do you like the title? It’s from the book in which I talk candidly about my life.

And speaking of talking candidly. I would like to use this space to speak openly about Africa.

Over the last year Dogwoman has presented a few unfavorable arguments against the Red Program that have almost no merit. I thought I would borrow her platform to present a few of my own ideas.

There is an holocaust going on in Africa right now. Then entire country is going up in flames. As you read this thousands of children are dying from disease and malnutrition. Orphans are being created by AIDS which has become a worldwide problem not just an African problem-

Uh ‘scuse me, what the hell are you doing on my blog?

Oh look, Dogwoman has joined us. Hello there. I’m Bono and I thought I would just give a quick run down of some ideas on how to deal with the emergency in Africa. A little tete a tete on the state of things. As Edge was saying the other da-

Yeah, don’t care. How did you get in here ?

(laughs) You wouldn’t want me to get anyone in trouble now would you?

Yes. Yes I would. Hey! Did you mess with my tags?

Well I can’t give away all of my secrets. Let’s just say I know a few kind people who wanted to help.

I see. would you mind getting off my blog. Don’t you have blog of your own from which you can spew?

Not really. The U2 site is strictly for music you know.

No it’s not

Yes it is. And while we’re on the subject-

We’re not-

U2 is in the studio right now. We’re hoping the new album will be a complete departure from our other work.

It’s going to be good?

Oh that’s not fair. We’re hoping for a really different sound using more of a world music approach. I think you’ll really enjoy it.

Doubtful. Look don’t you have somewhere else to be, a building to redesign, a company to take over, a model to pinch, something like that?

You’re not a very nice person are you?

Have you actually read this blog?

Well, no. But Bill, Al and Steve said it was a good place to have a laugh. Now that I look about, it’s bit boring isn’t it? I’ve noticed you don’t have the Red Program in your blogroll. Why is that?

Because I don’t think corporations belong in the charity business.

Ah see, you admit that charity is a business.

No I don’t

Yes , you just said so

You’re twisting my words.

That being said , why not generate sustainable income for cash strapped charities? It’s a business model that is growing and I think you should stop carping about things you don’t fully understand.

I was going to say the same thing about you. You know, you’re a lot more freckly up close. Are you a redhead under all that dye?

I don’t think that is relevant to the conversation we are having

So that’s a yes then?

Look the color of my hair is not important. What is important is that millions of people are dying and all you do is whine about your Government. Why don’t you get off your enourmous yank arse and do something instead of complaining about those who are trying to do something?

I did.

Oh really and what was that?

Well, you’re here aren’t you?

Oh, and there he goes. Bye..don’t let my blog hit you in the arse on the way out..

Sorry about that folks. Don’t worry that won’t happen again. I’m changing my password. Damn hackers.

Dogwoman