Archive for the ‘Voting’ Category

WELCOME TO THE PRESIDENTIAL DEATHMATCH

Hello and Good Evening,

A few words before we begin…

Because of limitations on my blog, as well as the excruciatingly slow nature of my computer, a few things must be clarified.

I will not be able to read comments as I blog. That should not stop anyone from making comments. During commercials I will check the comments and then comment on the comments as commentating warrants. Or whenever I have nothing to else say.

“Live” blogging will take the form of continuous posts. After the first post (i.e. this one) there won’t be anymore titles.

I will be blogging while watching NBC. Not Fox. I suspect Fox might be biased. In much the same way I suspect Liberace might have been gay.

As always, correct spelling will be optional.

This is fun. So have fun. Make fun. Especially of the candidate you don’t like. While I am a “liberal” blogger, I am also an equal opportunity satirist. All’s fair in love and politics, so have at it.

However, if you flame unreasonably I will block you. You have been warned.

And now ….. THE PRESIDENTIAL SMACKDOWN

In the Left corner we havehappyoimages

Barak Obama, a Senator from Ohio. The media frenzy over this guy has been substantial. Tonight we will see if he can live up to his press. Sure, he looks happy now, but will it last?

In the Right corner we have

happymmages1

John McCain, an old white guy from somewhere. A man whose temper and bad judgment are legendary. Let’s see if he can keep them both in check tonight. ( Is it just me or does this guy look like he’s suffering some sort of hemorrhoid attack whenever he smiles?)

By the end of the night could we be seeing this?

Or this?madmimages1

The current time is 8 pm eastern standard time, polls all over the country are now closing.

Here’s a mapstatepollclosingtimes_3

A word about the polls. Michigan is listed on this map as closing at 9pm. In reality we close at 8pm. The reason they list it as 9 is because of Iron Mountain, which has to be different and be an hour behind the rest of us. Geez.

When I voted today I had a two hour wait. This is the longest I have ever had to wait to vote. During the Primaries the wait was: ‘echo, echo, echo, anybody here???’ The Election Judges reported at that time(7pm) that a total of eighteen people had arrived to vote in th Primaries.

A word about Election Judges. They are nice people who are giving up their time to eat pastries and make sure your vote counts. Thank Them. But don’t give them gifts as that may constitute a bribe and you could end up on the Homeland Security List. In which case you wouldn’t be able to fly to Europe to live when your candidate loses. So keep it clean, people.

And we’re off…

You Say You Want A Revelation

Hello.

Early voters all over the United States are standing in line. Some are waiting as long as eight hours to cast a ballot.

Here in the Mich we aren’t allowed to vote early. Instead, we cheat by suddenly becoming absent. A great many of our voters have ‘plans’ for the 4th and have filled out absentee voter cards. This includes most of my family, a few friends, and colleagues who have to attend tomorrow’s Professional Development classes. ( I have my own thoughts on why a PD day was scheduled for election day but …). So if you are trying to get through to a Michigan business tomorrow and nobody answers, it’s because half of the Democrats State has gone missing.

So a word about how people are voting. It’s pretty much running along party lines here. Though, one of my older relatives gave me a surprise. This person is a life long Democrat. Seriously, he was born in a place rife with Republicans, attended the world’s most right wing church and somehow came out a Democrat. In 60 years of voting  he has always been the Jackass, never the Pachyderm. Until this year. He voted McCain. We had words. We always have words as he is the only one I can argue politics with who won’t try to smack me at some point in the conversation. We’re both Democrats but he is Ultra Conservative and I am more Socialist. Still, even given his conservatism I was surprised. When pressed, he said he just doesn’t trust Obama. That he doesn’t know enough about forgein policy. It seems to be the same with other Democrats who voted Republican.

I wonder though. Obama does have Biden. While McCain has Palin. A woman so hated that one town in England blew up an effigy of her yesterday. Mccain has a temper. And loose lips. So does Palin. She just says whatever comes into her empty over coiffured head. I don’t think I can look at her 1950’s hair for four years.

That said, It looks like I’m going Obama this year. I wasn’t going to vote at all but I have changed my mind. I would do anything short of voter tampering to keep McCain and his doxy out of the most powerful office in the Western world. Even though I don’t fully trust Obama either. His health plan makes no sense. He has not mentioned setting a timetable for removing our troops from Iraq. And his wife makes Hilary look like a wallflower.

There you are all of you who keep pressing me. I am no longer Undecided . I am an Obama supporting Giantess.

Good luck to both candidates and I’ll see everyone tomorrow at 8pm when Live blogging begins….

Dogwoman

Monkeys, Republican Yapping and A Program Announcement

Hello.

Late posting today. See, normally I would be working. I took a job and the automated system called me back half an hour later to cancel. So I took another job as a late start. The system called me back ten minutes later to cancel. Now, either I am the most hated sub or the company I am currently working for is run by angry monkeys. Confused,angry, monkeys.

I was reading Neil Gaiman’s blog today and he wrote about overhearing some Republicans yapping away in a Hotel lobby. He seemed confused by their airing personal details about public figures where strangers could hear them, raising some question of private versus public privacy. See, these people do not know that there is a difference, so his confusion is legitimate. Normal people understand that the entire world couldn’t, up to a certain point ,care less about their opinions. What makes wealthy Americans, especially wealthy Republican Americans, so insufferable is their belief that everyone cares what they think. Or that no one would dare repeat anything they over heard, such is their elevated status in the world. It’s quite annoying. If it had been me, I would have live blogged every word that came out of their overfed arrogant mouths and posted it, poste haste. However, Neil Gaiman is a far kinder and more level headed person than I.

And I wanted to mention that I will be live blogging the election starting at 6:00 pm, next Tuesday. It will be in the form of a Presidential Smackdown Death Match. We might even see a little V.P. action before the night is out.

Cheers

Dogwoman

The King (or Queen) of Smears

Hello.

I know you’ve been waiting with bated ( not”baited” CNN reporter person, as in “abated” or withheld. When are they going to offer me your job because even with my crap spelling I can get most of the grammar right. Maybe you should be working for Fox News) breath for this announcement.

I know who I’m going to vote for. I decided last night while watching the political ads on T.V. I will vote for every candidate, regardless of party affiliation, who effectively and completely smears or degrades their opponent.

This is my reasoning.

First, if one is willing to expose every dirty little secret of an opponent in order to win a job in which one will undoubtedly be hated by a majority of the people in a state or throughout the country, you have the kind of balls we need right now.

Secondly, if one is the kind of person who can take innocent friendships and turn them into sinister affiliations that stop just short of canoodling with the Devil himself, well that takes a great deal of creativity, which we also need. Any President can clandestinely re-write the Constitution. It takes real commitment to creatively change someone’s background right out where people can see it.

Lastly, if  one is willing to lay all the blame on the shoulders of another person and repeatedly call them a liar until people believe it without question, then one has the kind of superficial charm we the people have been searching for. And if one can do it with out mixing metaphors or making verbal gaffes that cause the world wide web to post them to YouTube on the comedy channel, you are our man or woman.

So there you are: Balls, creativity and just enough charm to make it all go down easier. These are the characteristics our government has been lacking for eight years. And I am willing to help make sure they again rise to the top of the dung heap we call American Government.

Join me won’t you, in ensuring that every smarmy, soulless bastard with a seven figure income and no idea how public transportation works leads our Country back to the glory days.

Amen.

Dogwoman

Now I Know Why They Go Postal

Hello.

I’m exhausted. I’ve spent the entire weekend running away from people with clipboards. Some of them were wearing Obama shirts and some were wearing McCain shirts.  At one point I had a group of twelve year-olds literally chasing me around the laundromat. “Hey, Lady areyouregisteredtovote?”

Yes, Yes, dagnab it, I am  registered to vote. I am, I swear. I even have the card to prove it. Yes, I am a legal resident of the United States. If not, my parents have some ‘splainin’ to do.

And, No, Mr.College student who looks as though he could use a hot meal and a bath, I do not know who I am going to vote for.  That’s right, I am one of those pesky undecideds.

Now, quit showing up at my door, or following me to the grocery store, the gym, the laundromat and the Library.

I’ll tell you who I’m voting for, on November 8th.

Dogwoman

Everybody Panic!!!!!!!!

Hello.

I awoke so early this morning that even the birds were still asleep. When I tried to wake them, they gave me the middle feather. Cheeky bustards.

After reading the news, I turned to my abnormally cheerful husband and wailed “But, I was only gone for five hours!”

Here’s what I found :

The banking sector of the United States is in Chicken Little mode with every newspaper screaming that the sky is falling. As it may well be. When the smoke clears, will Bank of America be the only financial institution still standing? One pundit goes so far as to hint the “thousands” of banks will now fail in the coming months. Which is of course a signal for everyone to begin pulling their money out of the bank and hiding it in their mattresses. Failure to help people fully understand what the collapse of these financial giants means for the average Joe almost guarantees a run of worried customers, causing further panic and instability. If they can soft pedal of war of indeterminate length and destruction, why can’t they lie about the money problems of the entire country?

Also, because I have to live here, this really pisses me off and makes me hate the GOP more, which I didn’t think possible, but there it is. The Michigan GOP is trying to use the nifty Right-To-Vote laws here in Michigan to keep those who have been foreclosed upon from voting. Last time I checked the only groups of people not eligible to vote in the U.S. are illegal immigrants and currently incarcerated felons. Is the Michigan GOP trying to say that those who lost their homes to the shady dealings of the mortgage companies are actually criminals???? That’s one way to misdirect to mislead. Which seems to be the GOP’s SOP.

This one is more of an observational question. If oil is now selling for under a hundred dollars a barrel, why am I paying almost 4.50 a gallon this morning? If you say Ike I will issue a horrible Ancient Roman Curse upon you and your family. And your dog. While the closing of the refineries was probably a factor it does not explain to my personal satisfaction a jump of nearly 70 cents in two days. Especially with the price of oil continually falling. At one point on Friday a gas station here in Michigan was selling at 5.99 a gallon. Clearly, they were gouging. Yet, are the oil companies now gouging on the speculation of the maybe of things to come? So it would seem. Starting a mass panic can be profitable.

There was also a story about a house burning to the ground in North Texas because some geniuses disconnected the fire hydrants. Why, you ask? Because they were afraid that terrorists would poison the water supply. *Headslap* Good God, I knew this country was going backwards but, all the way back to the Middle Ages?

If you haven’t yet started running about your abode wailing in terror, scrabbling for your bankbook and refusing to drink the tap water, well, there just might be hope for you yet.

Dogwoman

The Dog’s Advice

Hello.

Dear Dogwoman,

I am a woman in my mid forties with a busy family including the arrival of a new grandchild by my seventeen year old unmarried daughter. I am also currently running for the Vice-Presidential slot in the next election. My question is: How do I balance these responsibilities in the face of a media onslaught?

-just a barracuda

Dear Barracuda,

Being a working mom can be tough. With so many different jobs during the day one can become overwhelmed. My advice is to fly back to your home state as quickly as possible and not come out again until November 8th. This way the media has nothing to talk about and most voters will forget who you are. An air of mystery can be a good thing during a political campaign. As I always say, leave ’em guessing because confusion is always the best weapon.

Dogwoman

Dear Dogwoman,

I recently announced my Vice Presidential pick. It seemed like a good idea at the time, now however, I am having second thoughts. Apparently this chick has some unfinished business she forgot to mention during the vetting process, like a little legal problem called Trooper-Gate. Even though she is trying to avoid testifying I am afraid it will come back to bite both of us in the ass. How do I get her to dropout without looking bad?

-running on empty

Dear Running,

All of us make mistakes from time to time. It is best to try not to make them in the public eye. And definitely best not to get caught making them on YouTube.  With this in mind, once the mistake is made one must learn to live with it. I am afraid that if you bounce this person now you will look like an even bigger ass than you currently do. Best just to smile into the cameras and talk up your choice as much as possible. If you say something enough people will begin to believe it, even if it is an outright lie.

Dogwoman

Dearest Dog Woman,

We are a group of International Foreign Ministers. Recently, we had a meeting during which one of our esteemed members proposed that as a bit of fun we vote for the next U.S. President amongst ourselves.  We did, it was a laugh and things went forward. Now, unfortunately we are all being hounded, Diana-style, by the international media to reveal the winner. How do we get these vultures to back off?

_Ministers for Change

Dear Ministers,

Admit openly that your choice was Barack Obama, even if it wasn’t, and they will leave you alone.

Dogwoman

Dear Dogwoman,

I was recently fired from a news job. Well, fired is a bit extreme, more like downgraded. All because I let my opinions be known openly. And because the person they paired me with is a right wing blow hard with no morals to speak of. Seriously, this guy would sell his grandmother for air time. Is it my fault the Unites States government is full of crooked bastards with their collective grubby hands in the cookie jar? I think not. Anywho, now my employer is mad and refuses to let me finish commenting on the upcoming election. The question at large is this : How do I get back at these numb-skulls without losing my job completely?

-slave to the man

Dear Slave,

You have a serious problem. Normally I would blithely dispense advice but honestly. You should know better than to hold left leaning opinions in a world where Fox “my ticker tape is always misspelled and no one cares” News rules the roost. Right wingers, Republicans and your mother -in-law will now berate and scorn you for not being ‘neutral’ in a world where no one is neutral. The best advice I can come up with is, either continue soapboxing for the Liberals and hope Obama wins or rapaciously suck up to every Republican political figure you can. At this point neither action can do much harm. Good luck.

Dogwoman