Archive for the ‘Why?’ Category

CelebriBible

hello.

One might think that such things as a world wide, excruciatingly slow, collapse of financial markets, abnormally violent weather and Sarah Palin appearing on Saturday Night Live might be a sign that the end is near, but, no.

The true sign of the times is a book. A giant glossy book with pictures of Bono, Angelina Jolie and Nelson Mandela. No, it’s not a book of past Vanity Fair articles. It’s the Bible.

That’s right, some enterprising Swede has come up with a Bible that catches the eye. For all of those who think there are just too many words and not enough shallow glitz in their scripture, this Books’ for you.

Now, honestly. Isn’t this a bit like the Devil printing his own version? I can see how it might bring comfort to those who wander about their McMansions feeling lost. How inspiring to look down and see a bible that has pictures of your friends splashed throughout it. Ahh, warms the cockles of a shriveled greedy heart, so it does.

But then there is the rest of us, you nutters. Also, it could just be me but isn’t putting pictures of wealthy capitalists in the bible a bit sacrilegious? I was taught that greed of any kind was against the teachings. I took that to mean greed not only for money but also attention, among other things. Is the world not plastic enough? Does there really need to be a celebribible?

And what’s with the implied eyebrow piercing? What is that supposed to symbolize exactly?

The author grandly points out that all of the books are layed out like magazine articles.

Great, what’s next an interactive Bible with Fox News headlines scrolling across the bottom?

Some people have waaayyyyyy too much time on their hands. And should probably put down the crack pipe.

Dogwoman

What Not To Wear

Hello.

Scrolling about the news I came across a little gem over at BBC detailing Snoop Dogs’ new film. His new Bollywood film. Aaaayyyyiiiiii!

How wrong is it? Let’s take a look at the publicity photos

Once I cleaned up the coffee that came flying out of my nose, I read the article. Said article is more fun than barrel of jellyfish on a hot day. Apparently the title song is sung in Hip Hop, English, (I had no idea Hip hop was it’s own language but, hey, there it is) and Punjabi. ‘Cause when I think Rap, I think Indian languages.

Even without seeing the movie I can review it. It goes something like this:

Duuuuude.

Dogwoman

Just Say No To Drugging Children

Hello.

Is your child a daydreamer? Do they spend time living in a world of their own creation? Do you find it really annoying when they tell you long winded stories about things that are outrageous? Are you concerned that this might be a sign of mental illness because they are not thinking clearly, like an adult?

Have I got a website/cure for you!

Apparently, if you give them an herbal essence you can cure this terrible affliction. In fact, according to this website, you can cure everything that’s wrong with children today with a few drops of flower essences.

I originally found this in a health food store and spent a good five minutes laughing and the rest of the night being puzzled. Clematis is not a flower I would recommend anyone ingest.  People have an over-confidence problem when it comes to anything labeled “herbal”.  It’s hard to keep in mind that all those nifty medical prescriptions come from plants and flowers, the only difference is the active ingredient has been supercharged or isolated depending on the drug. For a long time Comfrey was on the shelves as a tea, despite the fact that anyone with even a little knowledge would say one should never take Comfrey internally. Eventually the government got wise and ordered that all Comfrey teas be pulled from the shelves.

Herbal medications, like general prescription drugs, ‘cure’ nothing. They alleviate symptoms. And there are a whole bunch of provisos that if one is not aware of can actually make one very ill. For example, if you take warfarin or coumadin you should never drink chamomile tea. Chamomile contains cumarins and if you are on a blood thinner you could bleed internally.

All that aside, if you are giving your child herbal medications to fix shyness or tantrums, there is something wrong with you. Some children are shy, some are bratty,  it’s called having a personality. As for a daydreamer, well some children are more creative than others. It’s not an affliction that needs medication. If they refuse to have any social contact or scream when you touch them get them tested for autism, otherwise leave them alone.

I for one am a champion daydreamer. I love to slip off mentally and take a vacation once in while. Then I write about it. My son also spends time in a world of his own. Then he writes music. There is nothing wrong with nipping out just to enjoy your own mind every so often. It’s called being creative. Without it science would never catch up to fiction.

So parents, relax, and know that having a creative intelligent child is not something you need to have them medicated for. They’ll either outgrow it or write a new symphony.

Hopefully, we will soon find a plant that will cure overactive stupidity in parents, until that day comes……

Dogwoman

All I Want Is EU

Hello.

Bono wants Africa to create a United States of Africa.

Yeah, and I want Baskin Robbins to start a home delivery service.

The problem that the little man has vastly overlooked, as has his alter ego Jeffery Sachs, is the separatist and tribal nature of many African nations. There are literally hundred of tribes within the African framework and they do not all get along. I don’t mean this in a Protestant v. Catholic way either. I mean that they will never get along. Ever. This division existed long before Ireland tossed out it’s Druids and gained a snake charmer.

Also, has either of these social geniuses looked at a map?  I am referring specifically to North Africa. I don’t mean to be a killjoy here but have they noticed the many stable, productive, countries at the top of the African Continent? Something tells me that Egypt and Morocco are not going to loosen ties to other Muslim countries in order to embrace a chaotic warlord run Sub Saharan Africa. They can’t, their ideologies are so different nothing would ever be accomplished.

And I don’t think pointing to the EU is a good example builder in light of Ireland overwhelmingly killing the Lisbon treaty.

In fact, pointing to Ireland at all is probably not a good idea right now. Their entire economy was overhauled to mimic a supply side economic reality. Housing went from affordable to outrageous in a few years and the deep social divisions between the poor and wealthy became over- exacerbated. Now with the credit crisis striking everyone who ever had dealings with the United States, Ireland’s economy is in a tailspin. Companies are pulling out and jobs are being lost. The housing boom is declining. What has been an economic success for many years is turning into a struggling morass of nothing actually being accomplished.

Is this what Bono the Great wants for Africa? A warring conglomerate of mis- matched countries whose separate and individual natures keep them in a constant state of flux rather than as a cohesive ruling body?

And if they do manage somehow to become a full fledged United anything  who is going to keep the rampant cocaine use and boy racers at bay? Not to mention the self righteous, self indulgent celebrities.

Dogwoman

Don’t Come Around Here No More

Hello.

John Edwards made a speech last night. It went something like this:

“There is one man who knows and understands that this is a time for bold leadership. There is one man that knows how to create the change, the lasting change, that you have to build from the ground up,” Edwards said. “There is one man who knows in his heart there is time to create one America, not two…”  And that man is–

Alan Greenspan??

Warren Buffett??

William Easterly??

Noooo, Barak Obama.

Edwards, after waiting months to see how the race would turn out, has thrown all of his political weight, all 20 ounces, behind Obama. And he did it right here in the Mich.

Are you (radio edit) kidding me? I smell ploy. Big, billowing clouds of political ploy wafting all over the west side of this state. Seriously, one whole side of our mitten is now covered in snake oil. Someone call the Nature Conservancy I think we have a disaster site that needs cleaning.

These two couldn’t be arsed when it came to the problems with our primary. They blithely stuck with Howard Dean and his mindless drones at the DNC in their quest to disenfranchise Michigan voters. They punished every voter in this state because our primary date was moved. Obama has gone so far as to suggest he get half of the delegates. Even though he refused to put his name on our ballot. Now they’re grandstanding in Grand Rapids?

Ya know who else visited Grand Rapids? George W Bush. Dick Cheney. John McCain. Bono. Ya know why they go to Grand Rapids? Because, Lansing, Detroit and Ann Arbor won’t allow them past the city limits. They have standards. While Grand Rapids is the Babylonian whore of Michigan cities.

The new financial center of our state is located in Grand Rapids. If one wishes to cull the political newbies who control or have large amounts of cash, Grand Rapids is the place to do it. Not to mention, it being the home of one of our most benign and lovably forgettable Presidents, it tends to make a statement. Which statement I’m not sure. Maybe something like “I’m a political hack who wants you to equate me with President Ford.” or maybe “See, I’m a harmless conservative” or “Give me all your money.”

My position is this: When I see Obama in a pair of old jeans, hosting a rally in Flint, shaking hands with Michael Moore and holding a steaming hot pasty, then I might lighten up.

But watching these two slick snakes spend a night patting one another on the back in OUR state is just tasteless and petty.

Tom Petty.

Because as I watched events unfold this is what went through my head:

Don’t come around here no more

Whatever you’re looking for

Give it up

Hey!

Give it up

And now I can’t get that damn song out of my head.

One more thing to hate them for.

Dogwoman

Three in One

Hello.

Dear Vice President Dick Cheney,

Thank you for your kind words about the soldiers serving in Iraq on the news that we have now lost 4,000 men and women. You are absolutely right, they did volunteer. So did you. And the only action you’ve seen so far is shooting your friend in the face while hunting maimed birds. Perhaps a three year tour of that sandy hell hole would give your tired old ass a wake up call. Just a thought.

Love,

Dogwoman

Dear President Bush,

Please stop talking. Every time you open your mouth something incomprehensible and slightly scary comes out. We the People of the United States would like you to convert to Buddhism and take a vow of silence for the next 10 months.

Sincerely,

Dogwoman

Dear Pat Buchanan ,

Black people across America would like to thank you for really getting to the root of the civil rights movement. With comments like your recent ones stating how grateful they should be that White landowners rounded them up like cattle and shipped them across the ocean like abused sardines, I’m sure there won’t be any backlash.

Are you stuck in a time warp, you cretin?

Honestly, why do these things just creep out of your mouth ? African- Americans are not the only group of people on welfare, using Pell grants or benefiting from state run programs to help the poor. Like Ice Pops, poor people come in all flavors and none of them are grateful to be poor. In fact, they are a bit pissed off. And waiting outside your fancy office. With torches and pitch forks.

Gee, I wonder what they want?

Regards,

Dogwoman

Nothing To Lose

Hello.

Credit crisis. Rising Gas prices. Rising food prices. Inert and unwilling lawmakers.

These are some of the problems facing America today. While it may seem that these are loosely connected in some vague way they are in fact directly related.

Banks made loans to low income people at what are termed ‘predatory rates’. This means that the bank knew the homeowner couldn’t pony up the dough and was just waiting for the time they must foreclose. Then they could sell the house to another ‘low income homeowner’ and start the cycle all over again. Using this method they could make thousands of dollars off one house and the average yutz. Pretty slick. Too bad so many banks started getting in on the action. By using the idea of the American Dream against regular Joes, like you and I, the banking industry has crashed our economy.

It’s not just the lending strategy, it’s the hiding of assets and debit that has been going on since 2000. The banks have been playing fast and loose with numbers off the books. Things that we never hear about like derivatives and the resurgence of hedge funds and private equity funds.

What puzzles me and makes me wonder is why the Government is bailing out the banks.

The Government should be bailing out the homeowner. I thought is was the general duty of the Government to help those who have been harmed by the amoral practices of businesses which it is supposed to regulate. Like Banks. I had no idea the Government was in place to bail out the banks who instituted these policies after Slick Willy signed Bank deregulation into law in 2000, just before he skated out the White House door. Guess he was hoping we wouldn’t notice.

With the credit industry crashing on a global scale NOW bank officers are crying foul. “Oh we should have seen that” Oh fuck off, you did see it, but your profits were more important than those who might be harmed. Like everyone not on the Board.

The bankers who brought you the Savings and Loan disaster of the eighties have now brought you the World Wide Credit Crunch. And they have no plans to change any of their policies once our Fed bails them out.

Thanks to them gas and food and housing prices are soaring because the billions in tax payer dollars that should be going to restructuring programs are going into the coffers of banks. The Government is using our money to bail out the banks who raped our communities. And the lawmakers sit back and yawn and rake in the campaign contributions from these bastards while rubber stamping their poor policies.

Why not? They’ve got nothing to lose.

I really hate that.

Dogwoman