Archive for July, 2007

Just A Note of Surprise

Hello.

Dear Vice President Jackass Cheney,

I was unaware that you had a heart. No, I thought you were like the Tin Man and just wandered about looking for something to fill up all that empty space. Kind of like your partner in crime, President Straw Man.

Though I must say, it surprises me not one bit that the heart you do posses is defective.

Dogwoman

Advertisements

A Brief Lesson in Relativity For Europeans

Hello.

Gas prices are supposed to be going down soon. Apparently OPEC has decided to increase production. I got to thinking about the news stories I read in European newspapers that think it’s funny to listen to Americans complain so loudly about gas prices. We are spoiled, they say. We just want something for nothing, they chide. While that may be true, let’s look at it from the perspective of relativity.

America is a giant country. Humongous. Ginormous. Smaller than the African continent but bigger than Europe. The only country that approaches us in size is Canada and most of their land is frozen. Land totals looks something like this:

U.S. 3,717,812.82 Sq miles.

UK 94,526.53 Sq miles

Ireland( including the North) 32,602.2 Sq. miles

France 211,209.46 Sq.miles

See? We could fit the European countries inside our country and still have room leftover for the pacific Islands and most of the Middle East. When American maps give sizes for European countries they list the state that matches it next to the totals just so we can understand how tiny they are. By the way, Ireland matches West Virginia and the UK is a fraction smaller than Oregon..

That said, we are a nation that, like melted butter, likes to spread out. Our roads are big. Driving time wise, let’s say that if you were to drive non stop from Michigan to Florida it would take about 112 hours. To get from one end of my state to another it takes 12 hours, if you don’t stop to pee or visit the Mystery Spot. And there is a very scary bridge that connects the top to the bottom. So one needs time to steady ones nerves before crossing it. I recommend Bob’s Whitefish House and Bar in Mackinaw city.

Now that size is established, let’s talk about gas prices. In America, we measure gas by the gallon. We could use metric but frankly, sometime in the 70’s we got bored with it and dropped the whole idea. It’s 2.2 gallons to the litre. So at three dollars a gallon it would be little more than six dollars to the litre. About what Europe pays right now, give or take. If you’re paying more than seven you are totally getting ripped off and should have a riot. Okay, now for conversion. The dollar is considerably lower than the Euro, so let’s see, it should be about 56,874 dollars to the Euro. So while those overseas are paying six euro to the litre we’re paying over 100,00 dollars per gallon. See, we pay way more than Europeans do for gas and we have farther to go.

It’s a crying shame.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to take out a third mortgage on my house to get to work this morning. Y’all have a nice day now, ya hear.

Dogwoman

The Devil’s Own

Hello.

In looking over my stats and graphs and charts it would seem that many of you were unhappy with my comments on Tammy Faye Bakker-Messner or whatever she called herself. I thought I would explain myself with a little historical perspective. History being what it is and all too often ignored, the crimes that Jim and Tammy Faye committed are currently being repeated on a larger scale.

In the 80’s a new behemoth of religious claptrap grew itself a movement called Televangelism. “Christian” broadcasting grew to enormous proportions headed primarily by Pat Robertson, Jim and Tammy and Jerry Falwell. Their individual and collective messages centered around the idea that everyone who didn’t share their beliefs were going to hell and those who did should give them money to prove it. They set up nonprofit organizations that built hotels and theme parks. Or at least that was the idea. Very little of the money went to the actual building of anything and a great deal of it went into the pockets of the leaders of those organizations. It was a giant scam that took advantage of ordinary people and their belief systems. Each of those who headed one of these Televangelist shows grew wealthy off the idea that you could in fact buy your way into heaven. People paid for healing via the television. Those who could afford it gave thousands of dollars to expand these so called ministries only later to realize that they had been mercilessly taken by a bunch of snake oil salesmen. Not one of those so called ‘ministries’ had managed to retain their non profit status. Once the whole thing blew up everyone of them, Falwell, Robertson and the Bakkers found themselves on the receiving end of an IRS enema.

Now my problem with Tammy Faye, outside of the fact that her group held people hostage through their belief in God, is that while she had some IRS difficulties, she never actually did any time for the crimes both she and her husband committed against so many people, many of them sick or old. No, Jim is the one who took the heat and she swanned off into the sunset. She got a divorce and claimed she knew nothing about it. Bull. Those two were inseperable and it is well nigh impossible that she was unaware of what was going on within the business that she helped build. As for the rape allegations and alleged payoff, my guess is she was fully aware of that too. While I find all of those who engaged in the Televangelist movement revolting, I save my deepest ire for Tammy Faye because she should have admitted her complicity. She should have served time and didn’t. Instead she married someone else and tried to regain the life she once had with Jim.

And now in this century we have a repeat of that history. In the building of the so called nondenominational mega churches. These churches promise all kind of goodies in the after life for a nominal fee in the current life. They are getting fat and happy off the same promises of healing and redemption that the Televangelist movement made. Only instead of Bakker we now have Haggard. A man who roundly and soundly condemned all homosexuals as evil and was himself found with a male prostitute.

I know that money and religion all through history have gone hand in hand. A quick look at the Crusades and the amount of money they generated gives historical perspective to current activities. However, I think that the modern version is much worse as we have more than one religious system now.

We can now make choices about our beliefs and how we engage them. People who hijack those choices to play on the fears of the naive, the hopeful, the devout and the old in order to gain themselves wealth and power are the lowest form of life. And those who refuse to acknowledge their crimes once they are caught don’t deserve any sympathy or understanding, pre or post mortem.

Dogwoman

Papering The Halls

Hello.

I know that my posts have been both erratic and crap lately. Crarratic or Errap, if you will. For that turn I apologize. However, like so many students across the world I do have an excuse.

School. Stupid, stupid, school.

I mentioned in a previous post that I am returning to the hallowed halls of matriculation this fall. In the many, many years between my first trip and this one I had forgotten about the bane of every students existence.

Paperwork.

I am drowning in the amount of paper they keep shoving at me. I thought computers were supposed to make this easier but, no. Now I not only have to write my particulars on enough paper to make rainforest activists cry, I also have to type it in often enough to require surgery for carpal tunnel syndrome. If it were different information I could see the point but its the same freaking thing over and over again.

Name

Address

Residency

Marital status

SSN#

Signature

I think they do it to test new students.That has to be it because really, they could just have you write it on one piece of paper then PHOTOCOPY it. Or even scan it in to the computer. I know they have the technology because I have been to the media center and it was glorious.

No. It must be a test to see how soon one will go mad and begin tossing student employees out the window. I imagine psychology majors watching and making notes from a two way mirror as students from around the world slowly get pissed off while their hands go numb.

So that is my excuse. I am too busy filling out truncated forms for no reason to post properly. And if while passing by your local college you see student employees falling from the windows just remember, I had nothing to do with it.

They did it to themselves.

Name: Dogwoman

Address : Who Knows, Michigan

Residency: Nicely mowed thank you

Marital Status: Pretty good but iffy around tax time

SSN#: ********

Signature: Being an Angry Giantess with a propensity for book learnin’ and crap spelling.

Ain’t That A Shame

Hello.

I see Tammy Faye Baker, oops, Messner died.

Now maybe it will be safe to wear eyeliner again. She won’t need it. Where she’s headed mascara has a tendency to run.

Hypocritical cow.

Dogwoman

Oh, Canada

Hello.

So I found an interesting article this morning. It would appear that in Canada, the idea of a gun used in a crime is treated the same as having a real gun.

So just threatening someone with harm even though you don’t really have the means to inflict said harm is enough to get you sent up the river. Or to the island. Or whatever the euphemism is for jail in Canada.

It makes sense.I think the thought here is that if you tell someone your gonna blow their head off during the commission of a crime even though you are not actually carrying a weapon it’s a form of assault.

On the other hand, it seems a bit like the thought police. You thought about a gun and threatened with a gun but weren’t in possession of the weapon. Ergo the weapon never existed at the time of the crime, so how can a person be convicted of using what they didn’t have?

Don’t know about this one.

Thoughts?

Dogwoman

An American Renactment

Hello.

The American People: Mr. President, what is that you have behind your back?

Prez: Wha?

AP: Don’t act like you don’t know what we’re talking about. Come on, out with it.

Prez: It’s nothing. Just a bag, dad.

Ap: Just a bag. Mmmm. Let me see it.

Prez: No.

AP: Give it.

Pez: No. I don’t gotta. I got privilges, priviligdes, privateline, No.

AP: You give it to me this instant Mr. Man or there will be consequences.

Prez: Fine. Here.

AP: What is this? Is this a wiretapping scam? What are you doing with a FISA regulated program?

Prez: I was just playing with it a bit. Tweaking it.

AP: Great, look at this. You’ve got AT&T, Verizon and Yahoo all tangled up in it. What a mess. This’ll take forever to sort out. What? What is this? Is this a war? You have a war in your bag. You know you’re not allowed to just have a war.

Prez: I got permission.

AP: From who?

Prez: People.

AP: What people?

Prez: People..mumble mumble

AP: ‘Scuse?

Prez: Fine. God. People I might have lied to.

AP :This is just embarrassing. How are you going to explain this? Look at this will you? Suicide bombers everywhere, oil all over the place..oh great, half the continents aren’t even speaking to us. Is France giving us the finger? Nice. Oh, and Russia too, what a surprise. We’ll just give this back to Congress to fix. You are in soooo much trouble Mr. You just wait until we get… Oh my lord, is this the Constitution? What the hell happened to it ?

Prez: Cheney said I could do whatever I wanted to it.

AP: It’s all mangled. Half the civil liberties are missing. Where are they?

Prez: I hid them.

AP: Well, you better give them back. What is this giant stai- is that barbecue sauce? On the Constitution. You got barbecue sauce on the nations oldest document?

Prez : I was hungry.

Ap: You were hungry. And busy while we weren’t looking, apparently. You are a naughty President. I’ve a mind to take away your Executive Privileges. And your veto. I just don’t know what we’re going to do with you. We’ve tried and tried. Well, I’m waiting, what should we do with you?

Prez: What? I wasn’t listening.

Dogwoman