Archive for October, 2008

BOO(hoo)

HELLO!

I have had WAAAAAAYYYYY too much coffee! All of my sentences will now end in exclamation points! Yeah! Exclamation Points!

See, I signed up for National Novel Writers Month, more affectionately known as Nanowrimo (nah-no-wry-mo). A self torturing website in which one attempts to write 50,000 words (sob) in 30 days(wail). I’ve been up trying to nail down a plot structure before the actual writing starts tonight at midnight. I must say that it has been an outlining disaster so far. Characters and settings scattered everywhere, and I won’t even get in to what seems to be happening with Tone. Feckin’ Tone, never where you put it, that’s all I’m gonna say.

I will still be blogging during November, so don’t give up on me, yet. Also if you’ve just arrived from the outer stratosphere, I will be giving up one precious evening of Nanowrimo (that’s 1667 words I won’t be writing out of my commitment to the blog o’ sphere. I know, can’t you just feel the love radiating through your computer.) to Live Blog the election with grace and satire. Or graceless satire, which ever comes up first. I’m already plumping up my arsenal of Socialist jokes. I’ve got slings and arrows. I just need the feathers to go with my tar.

To tide you over here’s a little Marxist Joke:

Why doesn’t Karl Marx drink regular Tea?

Because Proper Tea is theft.

(I said it was little.)

Oh and here’s one  all the kids are telling for Halloween (brace yourself)

What kind of tests do vampires take?

Blood tests. (*shakes head* I’ve had to act surprised at the ending over fifty time so far)

Have a Happy Halloween!

Dogwoman!

Monkeys, Republican Yapping and A Program Announcement

Hello.

Late posting today. See, normally I would be working. I took a job and the automated system called me back half an hour later to cancel. So I took another job as a late start. The system called me back ten minutes later to cancel. Now, either I am the most hated sub or the company I am currently working for is run by angry monkeys. Confused,angry, monkeys.

I was reading Neil Gaiman’s blog today and he wrote about overhearing some Republicans yapping away in a Hotel lobby. He seemed confused by their airing personal details about public figures where strangers could hear them, raising some question of private versus public privacy. See, these people do not know that there is a difference, so his confusion is legitimate. Normal people understand that the entire world couldn’t, up to a certain point ,care less about their opinions. What makes wealthy Americans, especially wealthy Republican Americans, so insufferable is their belief that everyone cares what they think. Or that no one would dare repeat anything they over heard, such is their elevated status in the world. It’s quite annoying. If it had been me, I would have live blogged every word that came out of their overfed arrogant mouths and posted it, poste haste. However, Neil Gaiman is a far kinder and more level headed person than I.

And I wanted to mention that I will be live blogging the election starting at 6:00 pm, next Tuesday. It will be in the form of a Presidential Smackdown Death Match. We might even see a little V.P. action before the night is out.

Cheers

Dogwoman

I Do Not Think That Word Means What You Think It Means

Hello.

Dear John McCain,

I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but you must stop using the ‘s’ word when referring to Barak Obama. The only people it’s having any impact with are those from your own party. Everyone else is laughing at you.

Are you aware that the most popular book right now was written by a man named Karl Marx? Seriously, that dry unyielding tome is flying off the shelves.

Also, being a self confessed man of the world, vastly experienced in foreign policy, you should be aware that France and Italy are both socialist countries. Italy is a mecca for social acceptance and France, aside from hating Americans on principle, has quite  a bit to recommend it.

I think you are using the word “Socialist” to mean another word that Americans fear. Communist. And the Red Scare died a few years back. So, are you attempting to call Obama a Communist without actually using the word? That’s just stupid and desperate.

In the current state of populist politics it might be best if you found another way to discredit your opponent. All you are accomplishing with your bogus ‘socialist ‘ rhetoric is jacking up Obama’s poll rankings. Which is probably not the outcome you were looking for.

I’ve got other words you might want to avoid but who has time to teach semantics to a man who hired a white trash Governor to be his running mate?

Dogwoman

CelebriBible

hello.

One might think that such things as a world wide, excruciatingly slow, collapse of financial markets, abnormally violent weather and Sarah Palin appearing on Saturday Night Live might be a sign that the end is near, but, no.

The true sign of the times is a book. A giant glossy book with pictures of Bono, Angelina Jolie and Nelson Mandela. No, it’s not a book of past Vanity Fair articles. It’s the Bible.

That’s right, some enterprising Swede has come up with a Bible that catches the eye. For all of those who think there are just too many words and not enough shallow glitz in their scripture, this Books’ for you.

Now, honestly. Isn’t this a bit like the Devil printing his own version? I can see how it might bring comfort to those who wander about their McMansions feeling lost. How inspiring to look down and see a bible that has pictures of your friends splashed throughout it. Ahh, warms the cockles of a shriveled greedy heart, so it does.

But then there is the rest of us, you nutters. Also, it could just be me but isn’t putting pictures of wealthy capitalists in the bible a bit sacrilegious? I was taught that greed of any kind was against the teachings. I took that to mean greed not only for money but also attention, among other things. Is the world not plastic enough? Does there really need to be a celebribible?

And what’s with the implied eyebrow piercing? What is that supposed to symbolize exactly?

The author grandly points out that all of the books are layed out like magazine articles.

Great, what’s next an interactive Bible with Fox News headlines scrolling across the bottom?

Some people have waaayyyyyy too much time on their hands. And should probably put down the crack pipe.

Dogwoman

Wash Your Hands, Save A Life

Hello.

So I’ve been threatened into getting back to the blogging. Well, threatened is a strong word. Let’s just say that when hired thugs break into your home and leave horse heads in your bed, it’s time to write.

Today is National Handwashing day. Or was that yesterday? I can’t keep track.

Either way I am all for the washing of hands. Here’s why.

Once upon a time back in the oh, let’s say 1800’s ish, there was a pandemic. No, not the flu. It’s was a  world wide problem that stumped doctors. Women were dying in record numbers after giving birth. The babies sometimes survived, sometimes not. This was called Childbed Fever. And for the life of them no one could figure out why this was happening. Until one American genius hit upon the solution. Doctors and medical students were stealing bodies for dissection. It was an unsanitary time. After digging up and dissecting the dead they would go into the birthing ward and check on their patients. This meant shoving their hands into a woman’s delicate bits to make sure everything was all right. Which it probably was up until this point. Later the women would inevitably die, having been given blood poisoning by their doctors. The necrotic microbes on the bodies of the dead, the ones that exists to turn us back into dust, infected these women from the dirty hands of their doctors, and killed them within three to ten days of their exam. Eventually Oliver Wendell Holmes figured out that if doctors began to WASH THEIR HANDS this would stop happening. And it did. Amen.

So lather, rinse, repeat whenever you dig up a  dead body for dissection. It’s the right thing to do and a tasty way to do it. Or is that Oatmeal? I forget.

Dogwoman

The King (or Queen) of Smears

Hello.

I know you’ve been waiting with bated ( not”baited” CNN reporter person, as in “abated” or withheld. When are they going to offer me your job because even with my crap spelling I can get most of the grammar right. Maybe you should be working for Fox News) breath for this announcement.

I know who I’m going to vote for. I decided last night while watching the political ads on T.V. I will vote for every candidate, regardless of party affiliation, who effectively and completely smears or degrades their opponent.

This is my reasoning.

First, if one is willing to expose every dirty little secret of an opponent in order to win a job in which one will undoubtedly be hated by a majority of the people in a state or throughout the country, you have the kind of balls we need right now.

Secondly, if one is the kind of person who can take innocent friendships and turn them into sinister affiliations that stop just short of canoodling with the Devil himself, well that takes a great deal of creativity, which we also need. Any President can clandestinely re-write the Constitution. It takes real commitment to creatively change someone’s background right out where people can see it.

Lastly, if  one is willing to lay all the blame on the shoulders of another person and repeatedly call them a liar until people believe it without question, then one has the kind of superficial charm we the people have been searching for. And if one can do it with out mixing metaphors or making verbal gaffes that cause the world wide web to post them to YouTube on the comedy channel, you are our man or woman.

So there you are: Balls, creativity and just enough charm to make it all go down easier. These are the characteristics our government has been lacking for eight years. And I am willing to help make sure they again rise to the top of the dung heap we call American Government.

Join me won’t you, in ensuring that every smarmy, soulless bastard with a seven figure income and no idea how public transportation works leads our Country back to the glory days.

Amen.

Dogwoman

Can You Help A Sister Out?

Hello.

Sooooo, one of my favorite bloggers has posted letting the world know he will stop blogging. That sucks. Twenty Major, after posting daily for almost four years, is no longer a blogger of award winning proportions. Actually, I always thought he was taking some super potion because to blog everyday is nearly impossible for me. But alas, now I will never ferret out his secret.

Also, this means that I am in the market for a new favorite blogger. So, if you have one, please leave the link so I can check it out. I find I am overwhelmed right now and can’t spend my usual three hours a day trolling blogs for new writers. I appeal to you, oh readers, to leave blogs you especially enjoy so I can see what’s out there.

Feel free not to leave links to MySpace poets, but everything else is fair game. I’m not picky, right wing ,left wing, chicken wing, all good.

Dogwoman