No Panties! No Panties!

Hello.

Let’s get straight to it.

If a bartender offered you free drinks to take off your panties and hang them above the bar would you? Would you flash the patrons for a glass of champagne? You would? Well, have I got  bar for you.

Yeah, you’d have to go to Australia, but it could be worth it.

People are upset. Think of the children, they cry. What are children doing in a bar? It’s a bar. It’s supposed to set a bad example. That’s the whole point of drinking establishments. And I say if a woman wants to wander about the place with her bottom half uncovered, silkies swinging above the bartender,  Go to it, sister. As for the flashing, have these people never been to Mardi Gras ? That place is flash central and proud of it. What about Carnival? Nude beaches?

Oi, sometimes a person just wants to break out the mold, unrut their rutted life, do something a little off the beaten track. If that something involves a few hours of half naked drinking, so be it. Is it irresponsible, foolish, and darned childish ? Yes, yes, it is and that’s the point.

So off with the knickers and on with the drinking.

Wha? Me? Oh, no. No, couldn’t possibly. The sheer size of my delicates would weigh down the pantie line, smothering the bartender and what fun would that be?

Dogwoman

The Dog’s Advice

Hello.

Dear Dogwoman,

I am a woman in my mid forties with a busy family including the arrival of a new grandchild by my seventeen year old unmarried daughter. I am also currently running for the Vice-Presidential slot in the next election. My question is: How do I balance these responsibilities in the face of a media onslaught?

-just a barracuda

Dear Barracuda,

Being a working mom can be tough. With so many different jobs during the day one can become overwhelmed. My advice is to fly back to your home state as quickly as possible and not come out again until November 8th. This way the media has nothing to talk about and most voters will forget who you are. An air of mystery can be a good thing during a political campaign. As I always say, leave ’em guessing because confusion is always the best weapon.

Dogwoman

Dear Dogwoman,

I recently announced my Vice Presidential pick. It seemed like a good idea at the time, now however, I am having second thoughts. Apparently this chick has some unfinished business she forgot to mention during the vetting process, like a little legal problem called Trooper-Gate. Even though she is trying to avoid testifying I am afraid it will come back to bite both of us in the ass. How do I get her to dropout without looking bad?

-running on empty

Dear Running,

All of us make mistakes from time to time. It is best to try not to make them in the public eye. And definitely best not to get caught making them on YouTube.  With this in mind, once the mistake is made one must learn to live with it. I am afraid that if you bounce this person now you will look like an even bigger ass than you currently do. Best just to smile into the cameras and talk up your choice as much as possible. If you say something enough people will begin to believe it, even if it is an outright lie.

Dogwoman

Dearest Dog Woman,

We are a group of International Foreign Ministers. Recently, we had a meeting during which one of our esteemed members proposed that as a bit of fun we vote for the next U.S. President amongst ourselves.  We did, it was a laugh and things went forward. Now, unfortunately we are all being hounded, Diana-style, by the international media to reveal the winner. How do we get these vultures to back off?

_Ministers for Change

Dear Ministers,

Admit openly that your choice was Barack Obama, even if it wasn’t, and they will leave you alone.

Dogwoman

Dear Dogwoman,

I was recently fired from a news job. Well, fired is a bit extreme, more like downgraded. All because I let my opinions be known openly. And because the person they paired me with is a right wing blow hard with no morals to speak of. Seriously, this guy would sell his grandmother for air time. Is it my fault the Unites States government is full of crooked bastards with their collective grubby hands in the cookie jar? I think not. Anywho, now my employer is mad and refuses to let me finish commenting on the upcoming election. The question at large is this : How do I get back at these numb-skulls without losing my job completely?

-slave to the man

Dear Slave,

You have a serious problem. Normally I would blithely dispense advice but honestly. You should know better than to hold left leaning opinions in a world where Fox “my ticker tape is always misspelled and no one cares” News rules the roost. Right wingers, Republicans and your mother -in-law will now berate and scorn you for not being ‘neutral’ in a world where no one is neutral. The best advice I can come up with is, either continue soapboxing for the Liberals and hope Obama wins or rapaciously suck up to every Republican political figure you can. At this point neither action can do much harm. Good luck.

Dogwoman

And They Just Keep Coming…

Hello.

Is there a full moon I don’t know about? Or is it just a really slow news day? I just had this link e-mailed to me. Apparently, it’s been up since January and has been made into a book. Still, it’s a hoot. It’s called (for those of you too tired from surfing to actually click the link) Obama is your bicycle.com. If you click on the words you get a new message each time. I’ve been doing it for ten minutes and it just keeps getting funnier.

So have little fun and get positive messages about Barack Obama and what he can do for you.

Dogwoman

What Not To Wear

Hello.

Scrolling about the news I came across a little gem over at BBC detailing Snoop Dogs’ new film. His new Bollywood film. Aaaayyyyiiiiii!

How wrong is it? Let’s take a look at the publicity photos

Once I cleaned up the coffee that came flying out of my nose, I read the article. Said article is more fun than barrel of jellyfish on a hot day. Apparently the title song is sung in Hip Hop, English, (I had no idea Hip hop was it’s own language but, hey, there it is) and Punjabi. ‘Cause when I think Rap, I think Indian languages.

Even without seeing the movie I can review it. It goes something like this:

Duuuuude.

Dogwoman

Do You Want to Play A Game?

Hello.

Dear Mr. Barak Obama,

While I was impressed that you actually found Flint, I did not see Michael Moore, jeans or a pasty so I still cannot endorse you. According to local news you plan on spending much of your time here in Michigan. This being the case, I would like to direct you to a few spots you might miss in  our state that are a must see for any tourist.

The Mystery Spot is high on the list of things all tourists like to go to. I  would love to accompany you just to watch your entourage fall down like dominoes. You’ll see what I mean when you get there.

Sea Shell City. For all your sea shell needs. Why sea shells when we are surrounded by lakes? I have no idea.  It’s all part of the mystery that is Michigan.

Mackinaw Island. Take the bike tour. It’s loads of fun but it’s very important as a tourist in our state that you wait until the temperature is in the high 90’s before you begin.

Once you’ve sizzled your way through the tour and survived the life threatening ferry crossing, you should go to Bob’s Whitefish House. It has a nice bar you can cool off in while surrounded by the smell of frying fish and angry mothers whose children are whining and running amok.

And last, but most important, once you are good and hammered from the bar be sure to stop off at the Hiawatha Forest. It’s a nature preserve that extends as far as Canada. A little thing we true Michiganders like to do  and something I encourage you to do is, take all of your aids and helpers and what not into the forest and play a nice game of Hide and Seek.  The only rule is you have to wait until after dark. If all of you make it out of the forest without sustaining any injuries, being mauled by a bear or being eaten by a coyote before the sun comes up then you are true Michigan material. As such I would then have no choice but to vote for you.

Best of Luck. And no flashlights.

Dogwoman

MIA: Widgets

Hello.

I only have half the recommended amount of time to blog today. My presence is requested at a party this morning. Yes, this morning. It’s good to be Irishish.

I have been overhauling the sidebar of my blog. I was happily changing things about tweaking here, woofing there. When I finished, I saved the whole mess. Then discovered that my RSS feeds have all disappeared. Oh, woe is me.

I’ve tried reconstruction. Alas, I am still in woe because I cannot get them to come back. I tried bribery, cajoling and coaxing, and of course, yelling.

I think they are on strike.

Unless they were stolen by a widget thief. In which case I may be waiting for ransom demands.

If you see some unattached widgets running carefree about the net or quite possibly holed up on some other blog shaking with duct tape over their mouths, could you please coax and/or rescue them and send them back to the ‘House ire built.

I’d be ever so grateful.

Dogwoman

Three in One

Hello.

Dear Vice President Dick Cheney,

Thank you for your kind words about the soldiers serving in Iraq on the news that we have now lost 4,000 men and women. You are absolutely right, they did volunteer. So did you. And the only action you’ve seen so far is shooting your friend in the face while hunting maimed birds. Perhaps a three year tour of that sandy hell hole would give your tired old ass a wake up call. Just a thought.

Love,

Dogwoman

Dear President Bush,

Please stop talking. Every time you open your mouth something incomprehensible and slightly scary comes out. We the People of the United States would like you to convert to Buddhism and take a vow of silence for the next 10 months.

Sincerely,

Dogwoman

Dear Pat Buchanan ,

Black people across America would like to thank you for really getting to the root of the civil rights movement. With comments like your recent ones stating how grateful they should be that White landowners rounded them up like cattle and shipped them across the ocean like abused sardines, I’m sure there won’t be any backlash.

Are you stuck in a time warp, you cretin?

Honestly, why do these things just creep out of your mouth ? African- Americans are not the only group of people on welfare, using Pell grants or benefiting from state run programs to help the poor. Like Ice Pops, poor people come in all flavors and none of them are grateful to be poor. In fact, they are a bit pissed off. And waiting outside your fancy office. With torches and pitch forks.

Gee, I wonder what they want?

Regards,

Dogwoman

It’s All About Perspective

Hello.

In the news today, Our President says the economy is not in a recession, waterboarding is not cruel and unusual, and John McCain is the right man to succeed him.

In other news, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny are suing for social security, citing that they’ve been at it for over a hundred years and feel it might be time to retire. Dick Cheney startles the media as he admits he meant to shoot his friend in the face, stating that ‘he was talking so much he was scaring the quail away. I had to do it. I went there to shoot something, it was either him or the birds.” Condaleeza Rice leaves her post to become a burlesque dancer and Steve Jobs unveils a new disposable product called the iGiveup which targets the new generation of apathetic high school students. The new product does nothing useful, provides no method of interfacing with the rest of the world and merely stares back at the user with a slightly snarky look. When bored with the new product students can throw it away and buy a new one.

Hey, it could happen, because according to the Super Genius who runs this country, I’m not really writing this blog , you’re not really reading it, and Pinnochio always was a real boy.

Moron.

Dogwoman

I Took What ? Ironic Monday Rides Again

Hello.

A news report has outed several hip hop artists as users of steroids and growth hormones. Mary J. Blige, Wyclef Jean, 50 Cent….

Uh. Apparently they are using them for the anti aging properties. Too bad they are not working. This kind of lunacy I do not understand. Growth hormones are unregulated. The drugs are supposed to be for people suffering from rare disorders related to the pituitary gland. Not for the vanity of overpaid self indulgent performers. However, if a male performer wants to sing soprano and a female wants a little more alto, hey, what can you do.

Of course with growth hormones, nifty diseases like diabetes can suddenly develop along with exacerbation of any existing conditions such as cancer. So really, its a population control device.

You know, I can’t even think of a suitable stinging angry giantess analogy here that would poke fun at these people. It’s just sad. How childish and fearful of a perfectly natural cycle do you have to be to allow some quack to swan into to you ostentatious abode and inject you with an unregulated substance just to look younger than you are ?

And regardless of how the press is presenting it I don’t think it’s just the Hip Hop/R&B artists. I’m willing to bet it’s anyone in the entertainment business with too much money and a few years under their belt.

So for Ironic Monday here’s your thought:

Are these are the same people who won’t eat American beef because of the growth hormones being given to livestock? They’d rather pay some high priced drug dealer to inject it directly than wait to get it in their porterhouse.

Honestly.

Dogwoman

Hold The Phone: Breaking News

Hello.

Here’s a version of The Post That WordPress Ate.  I hope it found my words magically delicious.

In a startling turn of events something so momentous has occurred that I must, in the interests of all who follow such things closely, note it here. Joining the ranks of high profile journalists everywhere, Naomi Campbell is taking her turn at GQ. Her very first interview is with none other than that denizen of public works and self proclaimed martyr, Chavez. Always asking the hard hitting questions, she came at him with all manicured claws bared by asking the important questions: Does he ever go topless and who does he think is the best dressed dictator ?

It’s good to know that she’s not just phoning it in. That her experience as a day laborer has helped her hone her perceptions to a knife’s edge. Naomi is taking it to the streets and aren’t we glad we didn’t miss out.

Certainly this is more important than say, the media hordes attacking Hilary Clinton like a group of bloodied hens. A spurious pecking party predicting the demise of the only female candidate is much less important than whether or not Chavez thinks Bush is nuts. He is, but that’s not the point. The point is, Ms. Campbell got Chavez to say it in a national magazine. Whoa Nelly. Isn’t she a spitfire? Of course, Chavez has been calling Bush a lot of things for the past few years, some of them unprintable.

So everyone rush out and buy a GQ. One wouldn’t want to miss out on the most important topic around the water cooler. And nothing gets our attention faster than a rambling interview between an emotionally truncated brat and a schizophrenic with unlimited power. Good times, those.

A bit of advice for future interviewees of Ms. Naomi: Practice ducking just in case you say something she doesn’t like.

Dogwoman